How Self-Care Helps Men Quit Porn and Recover Faster
Do you ever feel like you’re just throwing mud against the wall, hoping something will finally stick? This is exactly what causes recovery burnout and a sense of helplessness. And these are what cause solid, smart, and likeable men to struggle with pornography for 10, 20, 30+ years.
The reality is, recovery is not about doing a bunch of things and hoping they work. It's about doing the right things and developing confidence because you know that they work.
In this article, I aim to present a new paradigm for self-care. Why? Because when guys care for themselves and enjoy reality, they no longer desire to escape into the world of pornography
Why Self-Care is Essential to Quit Porn
When guys get hooked on watching porn, they typically think they have an issue with self-control, motivation, and their love for God. This seems valid at face value. However, what I want to propose is that watching porn and escaping into fantasy is actually an indicator that there's something void in your heart that you’re missing.
When temptation hits, it triggers something deeper inside of you. It may be that person you see at the gym, or a jab from your boss at work. Whatever the circumstance, I want you to start thinking about the pain point it's pressing on.
Do you feel lonely? Inadequate? Under-Validated? Insecure? Scared?
We all feel these ways at times, but it's those who don't know how to respond to these voids and unmet longings may be more likely to turn toward pornography as a form of escape.
I want to drill this into your mind - self-care can be an important way to respond to these voids.
Certainly, it must be done effectively and with clarity in mind. Without this, you will feel stuck, throwing mud against the wall.
Effective self-care in porn recovery has 3 key steps, which I will lay out clearly in the next paragraph. The reason there's a process behind self-care is that it must have insights into the “bad news” and the “good news”. The "bad news" is what's stirring up inside of you and making it harder to respond intentionally emotions, thoughts, and unmet longings. The good news is all the stuff you can focus your mind on that counters the bad news - Longings, people who can help, action steps that can help, memories of times you felt “self-care”. This is the paradigm shift I want to offer you.
3 Self Care Tips to Quit Porn and Support Recovery
1. Define what you’re struggling with
You must first understand why you need self-care when quitting porn. The driver behind what you will decide to do to care for yourself will be rooted in why you need care in the first place
Step 1: Articulate your top 5 emotions/feelings that you don't know what to do with. Use the “feel wheel” as a helpful resource
Step 2: Name the voids in your heart and in your life
The goal is to help you deal with he real issue at hand. The more clarity you have about what's at the heart of your struggle, the better equipped you are to decide what to do next.
If you're trying to quit porn, it can also be helpful to understand some of the challenges men may experience during the first 90 days of recovery.
1. Define what you’re longing for
Taking what you learned about what's bogging you down, you now get to ask yourself a few questions
Step 1: Ask yourself reflective questions:
- What do these emotions/feelings reveal about what I need right now?
- What do these voids reveal about what I'm longing for right now?
Step 2: Define the longings of your heart
We all have many longings - God made us in such a way that we have a desire for things like acceptance, safety, security, reassurance, trust, prsuit, and much more
The clearer you can get on what you're longing for, the more intentionally you can build a self-care plan around your actual needs and patterns.
You will no longer throw mud against the wall! You will be focused on doing the things that help these longings get met.
3. Create a Self Care Action Plan
Now, the part that most people start with: Creating the self-care plan you will follow. The kicker with my approach is that you won't follow it blindly; you now have clarity for why these actions make sense. This is great because when they work, you know why, and you can do it again and again with confidence. You'll have a clearer way to respond when difficult moments or temptation show up.
Step 1: Define WHO helps you satisfy these longings
Think about the people in your life right now (God included), in your network, at your church. Ask yourself: “Who helps me feel accepted, reassured, and cared for?” (fill in the longings you wrote down)
It's a good idea to share your self-care action plan with those in your life. This will create opportunities for you to get these longings satisfied more regularly
Step 2: Define WHAT helps you satisfy these longings
This step is vital to get right. Not that you won't make mistakes along the way, but the paradigm must be correct. Whatever you define as something to do as self-care, you must ask, does this help satisfy one or more of my longings?
This is what makes a self-care action plan thrive. This is what helps you know what to do and why its working, so you can do it over and over and develop confidence
The challenge for you will be the paradigm change and the reality that most guys flat out struggle with caring for themselves. They have fears, shame and anger that keeps them stuck. But that doesnt havge to be you anymore. I believe these steps can help you build a more intentional and effective approach to self-care and recovery.
To simplify this even further for you, brainstorm what you can do with these 4 directions in mind.
The 4 directions for getting our longings satisfied:
- With God
- Wirth Others
- To Ourselves
- Giving Them Away
* Credit to Drew Boa from his podcast “What should I do with my sexual desires?”
For an extra tip on what you can do, check out the 5 Love Languages quiz. The results will give you helpful insights into your preferences for care.
Final Thoughts — Self-Care Starts Today
Quitting porn is not an easy task for anyone, but I believe working smart is the solution to overcoming this addiction. There's no doubt, it takes effort and hard work, but blind gusto is not the way.
Awareness, clarity, and action make up the perfect porn recovery self-care plan. Now that you know the steps, go and get busy doing the right work! I can't wait for you to experience the joy of an effective approach to quit porn.
My encouragement to you: Get started right now. Do not delay. Your week can drastically change simply because you decided to start this today. I believe sobriety from porn can happen as soon as someone has clarity and makes the decision
So what are you waiting for!
If there are some roadblocks that you cannot seem to overcome, this may be a sign that you need some exeter help and support
If so, I can help
I've spent 3000+ hours coaching guys over the past 7 years, helping men build greater clarity, confidence, and healthier patterns in their recovery.
To work with me, book a free strategy session with me, I work with clients one on one to get the best results :
