Do you want to know the real reason why you struggle with erectile dysfunction?
Are you ready to take the steps that truly work so you restore your sexual integrity?
Getting the right help for erectile dysfunction online does not have to be a struggle. I know what it’s like to have “tried everything”... It’s easy to feel hopeless when you don’t know what else to do. If you are dealing with ED, PIED, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, and/or off and on weak/non-existent erections, this blog is for you! It's time for you to learn what actually works, know what doesn’t, and most importantly, find out the best steps to take so you can move towards real true healing.
As someone who knows this journey, I want you to know that I am here for you. Firstly, I am here to offer you my mind and my experience. Secondly, I am here to offer you my services. I want this to be an opportunity for you to receive practical encouragement, life-giving hope, and the chance to restore your sexual integrity. Ultimately, I want to ensure you get the right help for erectile dysfunction online.
I know what it’s like to have “tried everything”... It’s easy to feel hopeless when you don’t know what else to do. If you are dealing with ED, PIED, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, and/or off and on weak/non-existent erections, this blog is for you!
90What is Erectile Dysfunction?
Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is the inability to get or keep an erection. In most cases, the penis receives a weak signal from the brain, resulting in erectile impotence. Not every man who has the odd weak erection is going to have “erectile dysfunction”. However, if you are dealing with erectile problems on a weekly basis, I would certainly consider this more than a random reaction to a stressful day.
The 2 types of erectile dysfunction:
#1: Porn-induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED):
Research is proving that pornography affects the brain. Porn-Induced ED is a by-product of things such as chemical imbalances, neurobiology, and emotional stressors. When looking deeper into the effects of a “porn addiction” we literally see the brain being rewired, creating what some call an “intimacy disorder”. When I mentor men struggling with any area of sexual brokenness, my approach is to get to the root of the issue. However, with PIED, there is an urgency to set up helpful tools to eliminate the viewing of pornography so the brain can begin to recalibrate.
When erectile problems reside in the mind, the recovery process is more straightforward than for PIED. If you are in this place, you have likely gone a considerable amount of time without using pornography. As a result, your brain has had some time to recalibrate. However, despite the brain's adjustments, there is still an inability to get erect. This is where we get the term “impotence”. When ED is rooted in your mind the struggle continues through the power of internal and external stressors. To give a few examples, your deeper root problem may be with pressure, sexpectations, shame, being distracted, lying, fear, or all of the above.
When I work with men with their deep-rooted emotional stressors, it has become clear to me that we are all living the only way we know how to live. Adam Young brings such compassion to this when he says, “Your body is not malfunctioning, it's functioning the only way it knows how to”. For this reason, you need someone to help you see what you cannot see.
2 hidden causes of ED you likely didn’t know about
#1: Faulty core beliefs rooted in your past experiences
When looking at your life, are there things you do without understanding why? If so, getting to the very root of the issue will be the solution to making sense of it all. The roots can be traced to and found in your core beliefs. One of the hardest parts about understanding your core beliefs is that they are normal to you. Therefore, knowing what is faulty can be challenging. This is what I meant when I said you will need help seeing what you cannot see. Core beliefs are formed all throughout your life. They are “what we hold as absolute truth deep down”. These “absolute truths” form in the very beginnings of your childhood, in moments as a teenager, and up until today. In other words, what you see, hear, and experience tells you what to believe. For example, you see your father react to life's challenges with powerlessness, anger, or withdrawal. As a result, you adopt this style of relating and subconsciously form a faulty core belief. In other words, the very fabric of our life is formed from even the most subtle of situations.
Examples of faulty core beliefs:
“I’m not good enough”
“It's all my fault”
“I am flawed”
“I can never get it right”
#2: Negative thought life
Everything in your life flows from what’s inside your mind. Erectile dysfunction is no different. It is simply an outcome that is directly correlated to your thoughts. Your core beliefs form your thoughts, then your thoughts form how you live. In my years of working in the field, it has become apparent to me that the loudest message is for you to fix behaviors rather than renew your mind. Consequently, when behavior management doesn't work, shame kicks in, leading to further problems.
Have you heard of the term performance anxiety? The very fabric of this issue is a faulty core belief about one’s identity and a negative thought about inadequacy. This is to say that it is only when we begin to deal with the deeper problems are we able to fix what is actually broken.
Examples of negative thoughts:
“If I don't get an erection I’ll fail my wife”
“I have to get an erection to be manly”
“My partner will be so mad at me if I don't get an erection”
Erectile dysfunction can certainly be diagnosed as a physical problem. However, with years of personal experience working with men and researching this issue, I have yet to come across someone who had a physical penis problem. These findings have led me to believe that the large majority of erectile problems reside in the mind.
#2: ED happens to older men:
With study after study proving that men in their 20’s are struggling with erectile dysfunction, it’s becoming clear that this is affecting men of all ages. The lesson we can learn here is that all men, no matter what, share one thing - Emotional stressors
#3: I should take a pill:
The pill route does not get to the heart of the problem. It focuses on the penis and not the brain. If the brain is sending weak signals to the penis, it’s the brain that needs attention.
Pornography deteriorates the brain and rewires the mind. If this is taking place behind the scenes, you will eventually find yourself worse off than someone struggling with just ED. To use porn as a way to get “turned on” goes against all logic when we know what it does to the brain.
#5: Low libido causes ED:
If ED is a by-product of a faulty belief system and thought life, then I believe the same about “low libido”. I am not denying that some people have lower sex drives. However, I would argue that the natural differences are much more minuscule than most believe. Therefore, reiterating my points thus far, emotional stressors are at the heart of these issues. In other words, I believe low libido is a symptom, not an identity.
2 things you need to stop doing right now:
#1: Pushing through the stress:
Imagine you’re skating down the ice in a hockey game, you get checked hard against the boards, and snap! You break your leg. Sure, you could be the hulk and try and keep going, but really, who would you be kidding? With sex, there’s always a sign that something is off. The problem is, most men think they can push through, and sadly, this leads to stress for both parties. When you push through the stress, you’re choosing to perform rather than connect… this is a huge problem when sex is all about connection.
#2: Covering up the truth:
When your mind gets caught up thinking it must perform, I'm guessing that you become a perfectionist. I know for me, when I was thinking about something other than sex, my wife, or the moment itself, I felt guilty and embarrassed. Why? Because I thought I was failing as a man and lover”. But really, this was not true. Sadly, time and time again, this led me to lie to my wife and cover up what was really happening in my head. I've noticed almost all men are like this… they lie when they feel ashamed of the truth. This may be something you do when you are distracted by work, a smell, a memory of something unrelated, etc… In the end, all lies divide us. Dr. Kevin Skinner says it best when he said “where secrets are present, intimacy is absent”.
3 proven steps to overcome erectile dysfunction:
#1: Renewing your thought life
You have already learned that the 2 hidden causes of ED are found in your thoughts and beliefs. Now, it's time to learn the necessary steps to uncover what has been hidden so you find real lasting healing. I want to explain a practice that I dig deeper into with my clients called “the thought model”. This simple and effective exercise has been the catalyst to my clients experiencing the beauty of Godly belief and thought.
Breaking down the thought model:
From a bird's eye view, this seems like a very simple exercise. Despite the simplicity, the challenge can be found in doing it effectively. As I work with clients, it has become very apparent to me that they need guidance in how to do this well. For example, I will have clients “check the box” to get their journalling done, rather than “check their hearts” to experience real change. Because this habit is more of a lifestyle than a task, it must be done correctly. To demonstrate, here is a breakdown of each step with 2 common examples (one negative and one positive).
Circumstances, which are not in our control, happen all day, every day. Sometimes they are positive and sometimes they flat out suck… When they happen, we have a choice to respond or react with what we think about them.
Example of a circumstance: A work project that you had worked so hard on ends up getting overlooked by your boss
When something out of your control occurs, you have 2 choices: You can either react, or you can respond. When you choose to react, consequently, the mind is flooded with negative thoughts. On the other hand, when you choose to respond, the mind is flooded with helpful and truth-based thoughts. Despite most day-to-day choices being unconscious, a subconscious choice is just as, if not even more important to recognize than a conscious one.
Example of a reactive thought: “Nothing ever works out for me”
Example of a responsive thought: “I am so glad I put my all into that project. I know God is pleased with me.”
Feelings, which can be felt emotionally and physically, are a by-product of your thoughts. Therefore, whatever your thoughts are, your feelings will be also.
Examples of negative feelings: Anger, fear, tight shoulders, anxiety, entitlement
Examples of positive feelings: Content, peaceful, relaxed shoulders, grateful
When you have the power of thoughts and feelings working together, your actions will align with whatever they happen to be.
Examples of a negative action: Avoiding your boss; slandering your boss; going home to watch porn
Examples of a positive action: Calling a friend to pray together; Having a further conversation with your boss; Pursuing emotional intimacy with your partner
Last but not least, after the action, you are left with an outcome. Ultimately, your outcome will directly reflect a faulty or sturdy foundation. In other words, your thoughts literally predict your outcome.
Examples of a negative outcome: Disconnected from your partner; Erectile Dysfunction; Go to bed tired and full of shame
Example of a positive outcome: Clarity from your boss; intimacy with your partner; Quality sleep
As shown above, the thought model has the power to be a powerful predictor and/or a reflector for your life. Therefore, choosing to use it at the beginning of and at the end of your day is an incredible way to renew your thought life.
#2: Embracing Vulnerability
When you’re struggling with erectile dysfunction, vulnerability seems impossible… I completely understand the dilemma. Despite the challenge, staying stuck in the 2 things I mentioned you need to stop doing is not going to be a better option. For this reason, taking small steps towards vulnerability, no matter how hard it may seem, is the pathway to your success. When I say vulnerability, I am talking about being honest, real, upfront, and willing. Thus, a step in being vulnerable is to courageously share what is actually going on in your mind and body. To illustrate, here’s a situation between my wife and me that had me at a crossroad with a choice to make:
I was so excited for my wife to open her gift. It was Christmas morning, and a very nice necklace was sitting under the tree. Despite my excitement, I felt a sudden frustration when she tried it on and it did not sit well. In addition to my frustration, I was angry that we had to go to the store on boxing day and return it. As a result, I kept to myself and let my thoughts and feelings fester. Consequently, later that day, I struggled with keeping an erection when trying to have sex. Even though my wife was so gracious with what happened, all I could think about was my “bad purchase” and maneuvering through the busy mall the next day. Thus, at that moment, I had a choice to make. Would I keep silent and let shame dictate my erectile functioning? or would I choose courageous vulnerability and connect with my wife? I chose to tell my wife that I needed her to take the necklace off. I told her that it was distracting me, that I felt bad about the purchase, and the idea of returning it was overwhelming. She was gracious, willing, and loving. She took the necklace off and we continued as if it were no big deal. I am so glad I chose courageous vulnerability. As a result, within seconds, I got an erection and we had restorative, redemptive sex together.
I hope this story is an encouragement to you. I share it because I know how hard it is to do what I did here. I know how embarrassing it can feel to share what's truly going on in your mind. However, I share all of this as someone who knows how much better it is to choose vulnerability over silence. In addition, I share it as someone who knows how rewarding it is to share your true self. To be seen, loved, and wanted for all that you are. Even though this may seem scary, will you try it? It may be the very thing that not only helps with erectile dysfunction but changes your entire life. In brief, you now know that the choice to wield the power of vulnerability is in your hands, I challenge you to make the right choice.
“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity” - Nat Turner
To piggyback off of that quote, it has become quite clear to me that most couples unconsciously drift through life rather than consciously build a life. This is not to say that these are lazy people. On the contrary, they’re often the people with the most potential, but for one reason or another, they become comfortable with the drift. There is no secret sauce to good communication, it takes effort and intentionality. However, a secret weapon that has blessed my wife and me, as well as many clients is creating a “sexual template”.
What is a “sexual template”?
A sexual template is a sort of “rule of life” for your sex life. This template is about you and your partner alone. This is not about what others do or what others say. Ultimately, this is an opportunity to discuss how your sex life can become a bridge that honors God and serves one another. As a result, the goal of the sexual template is to create safety, vulnerability, purpose, freedom, trust, and fulfillment. The creation of this template, of course, starts with communication. Most importantly, it is a time to focus on and discuss things that you have likely longed to share with or hear from your partner. For example, the communication is often focused on these themes:
Discussing the purpose of your sex life together
Opening up about your struggles, expectations, fears, etc
Affirming one another and expressing your love
Sharing your sexual wants and needs
Agreeing on healthy sexpectations, wants, needs
Finding areas of growth together and extending grace
How to create your own sexual template:
Sexual Goals/Purpose:
Foundational truths:
Likes, Wants, Needs:
Healthy expectations:
Where to extend grace:
The practice of creating a sexual template is very personal. When I help my clients with this, I play the role of a guide. For example, step one is me walking them through the necessary steps to make time, take time and effectively have these deep conversations with their partner. After that, I act as a thermostat. In other words, I help the couple move towards a healthy and realistic sexual template based on truth. For instance, I want to ensure that everything necessary is on the table, the template is practical for them to live out and most importantly, they agree to invest 100%/100% in the commitment to each other. Ultimately, this template is about God, you, and your partner. Therefore, you may choose to work on this between yourselves, or you may decide to reach out and get proven support. Whichever you choose, I want you to know that you and your partner will be one step closer to intentional communication that impacts every part of your life.
The nature of overcoming erectile dysfunction is not perfection, but an increased awareness. As you have learned thus far, the pathway to greater sexual integrity is found deeper than you may have thought. As a result, you have the opportunity to experience rewards greater than you have ever imagined.
Restored sexual integrity
To have your sexuality restored sounds much bigger than just overcoming erectile dysfunction. And that's because it is! When you transform your very being, you're going to become the truest version of yourself. In addition, you're going to be able to discern and live out God's purpose for your life. As an illustration, using my own life, since quitting pornography and overcoming ED, I have a sense of dignity, confidence, and sexual strength. I can embrace and enjoy the beauty around me, I am more focused on my vocation and I am a much healthier person. And most importantly, in most cases, I am able to pursue God's plan for sexuality, which for me, is the greatest form of integrity one can have. Ultimately, this is not about perfection, but about awareness, and to grow in awareness is to grow in integrity.
When your partner sees you transforming from the inside out, seeking to be more vulnerable, and intentionally communicating, great things begin to happen. In other words, when a woman watches her man grow, develop and take the lead, it's a huge turn-on. If you take the steps in this blog seriously, they offer the opportunity to reap a bountiful harvest in your relationship. For example, a greater quality of sex, quantity of sex, laughter and playfulness, fulfillment and purpose, and so much more. Ultimately, when the sexual fulfillment of your relationship changes, everything changes.
How to get the right help for erectile dysfunction online
1 on 1 virtual mentoring
As per the Barna study, sexual addiction mentoring has become one of the most effective ways to help one's recovery. In other words, 1 on 1 mentoring for erectile dysfunction is seen as very effective. Most importantly, in my personal 1 on 1 work with clients, the rate of recovery has been tremendous. By working with a mentor such as myself, you not only have someone to guide your steps, you will have someone who has virtually walked the same steps. In addition to my experience, you will work through a proven program, vetted resources, and weekly assignments. Ultimately, if you are struggling with erectile dysfunction then there is a lot on the line. For this reason, I would advocate for 1 on 1 mentoring. In my own life, I have experienced the return on investment is worth every penny and I know you will too.
In conclusion: You can overcome erectile dysfunction!
There's a famous quote I heard somewhere that says, “The best things are the hardest things”. This quote has a ton of truth to it. However, you must understand that it's just as hard, if not harder, to live in dysfunction. For example, the quote could actually say “The worst things are the hardest things” and ring just as true. When you realize that it's not about what is “hard”, but what matters. Ultimately, you are going to have to choose if you want to deal with the pain of regret or the pain of change. To choose the pain of change is the choice that will reap great rewards. While it won't be easy, it will definitely be worth it!
One of my clients chose to change, here's what he said:
“Before joining Secret Habit, I felt controlled by my emotions and susceptible to temptations like pornography. I was stuck in a pattern of bondage that I didn't want anymore. When I heard about Secret Habit, I took a leap of faith by admitting to myself that I needed help in order to change. Through mentoring, which lasted over a 5 month period and lots of arduous work to discover the meaning behind my emotional suffering, I was able to break free. Today, my emotions do not govern my unwanted behavior. I have been equipped with an understanding of my past and tools to work through each situation. I am excited to share my good news by letting others know that we do not have to resign ourselves to being controlled in this way. There is freedom in understanding why we fall into temptation. Every aspect of my life is stronger because of Secret Habit.”
Disclaimer:
Shawn Bonneteau is a Certified Professional Mentor and a Coach, not a licensed counselor. Shawn is not making medical claims in his writings, rather, he shares his personal findings and opinions.
When watching a movie that is narrated (here, we will refer to a negative narrator as an inner critic), sometimes the narration is of what’s going on inside the main character’s head. When this happens, we get two different experiences at the same time.
The main character in 1st person
The main character in 3rd person (the thoughts inside his/her head)
When we get to hear what goes on inside someone’s head, we get an inside scoop into the inner thoughts life of humanity. This is pretty powerful, considering we all have voices in our heads that dictate our life.
When I think of narration, I think of Morgan Freeman. He seems to narrate all the movies I watch lol. However, by taking a good look at your own life and the narration happening day after day, how would you answer the question “Who is narrating my life?”
Unfortunately, I doubt it’s Morgan Freeman. No matter how epic that would be… And sadly, even if you can’t believe it right now, it’s doubtful that’s even you. In other words, you may think you control your thought life, but more times than not, it’s subconscious patterns that take over, aka, an inner critic.
Who and what is my inner critic?
You must understand what’s happening inside your head. Your inner critic may be named many things, such as:
Anger
Fear
Bitterness
Entitlement
Pride
Trauma
Wounds
The majority of our mind is made up of what we adopt from childhood influence. For example, someone with a severe family of origin wounding may have a narrator and inner critic that is telling them they are worthless, alone, and unlovable. While many people blame themselves for the way they are, the truth of the matter is that their narration often ties back to things like,
Childhood Abusive
Neglect
Conditional love
Bullying
Labels
However, by taking a good look at your own life and the narration happening day after day, how would you answer the question “Who is narrating my life?”
You can change your narrator:
No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can choose to name the inner critic and change who is narrating in your life. In doing this, you will be able to begin living from healthy truth. Now, this is not an easy practice, but it sure is rewarding. Ultimately, it’s your core beliefs that lay the foundation for your life. Therefore, what you believe must be investigated and offered curiosity and kindness.
The act of naming your inner critic and narrator will help you trace back to where it originated. Doing so will offer great insight and fresh opportunities. Ultimately, this is only the first step, but it’s a giant step that leads you down a better path.
Getting the right help with your core beliefs and thought life is key. At Secret Habit, we offer story healing, sexual discipleship, and thought coaching. Furthermore, we work with you to help restore sexual integrity. Why Seek Freedom Over Just Sobriety? Read this: Seek Freedom From Porn
2 things you can do to change your inner critic right now
1: Be curious about your story
Take some time and reflect on what’s true. This is hard work, but it is worthy of your time and energy. Here are 4 questions to get the ball rolling:
“Who is narrating my life and why do I let them?”
“Where did I learn this narration from? Who influenced me to believe this?”
“Am I allowing this inner critic into my life out of pain, or out of love? Why?”
“Do I believe I am worthy of having a new, healthy narrator that tells a beautiful story? Why, or why not?”
In this step, I want you to begin thinking about, and writing down what you would want your future to be like. This is a time to imagine, dream, think bigger. For example, if your narrator is fear, you may decide that you want fear to be replaced with truth. Ultimately, you will have to decide what you want and where you will get it from.
The idea of finding truth may sound nebulous, but it’s really not. For example, you can find firm truth in what the Bible says, or through factual information from honest sources.
To summarize:
The good news, your inner critic and narrator can be changed. Past influences in your life can be removed of their power with the right posture towards your story. In closing, I want to encourage you that this takes time, patience, and compassion, but every ounce of effort you put in will reap that much of a harvest. In conclusion, you are not a victim any longer.
We know this can be challenging to work on alone. We have been through the ups and downs of story healing and have helped many others. Furthermore, we offer coaching, help, and support for porn addiction.
Victory over porn addiction amidst a challenging season
Are you struggling from a recent loss due to COVID-19? I imagine you have lost something in one way or another, and I know it can be a tough pill to swallow. If you are one of the many who are without a job and without a regular income right now, I want to speak directly to you, but this information is relevant to anyone who has experienced a loss.
A loss often leads to grief… When something completely overturns our expectations and changes normal everyday living, it can cause us to live in fear and scarcity. I know for myself, I rely on an income to get me by because I have bills to pay… I don't think you are any different. If you have lost your job and are experiencing some of the repercussions of that, I want to encourage you to keep your mind and heart above the darkness. In times likes these, we get to choose to become a victim or a victor, and we get to decide whether we will fall into addictions or if we will step into opportunities…
Why is it so hard to experience victory over porn addiction?
In times like these, it can be so hard to think like a victor and step into opportunities, I know firsthand… The challenge often comes from a mindset of “I deserve”, “Why me?”, ’that’s not fair”, and so on… Sure, we all believe we deserve a fair outcome, but really, life is not a respecter of people, and with this, we can get dealt a hand that we may not like. This can lead someone into feeling emotions such as grief, depression, rage, fear, boredom, loneliness, anxiety, and resentment. When emotions such as these are felt, it's because our thoughts are revolved around being the victim. When life is hard and we react negatively as a victim, it becomes nearly impossible to think positively, to act kindly, and to be the person you know you want to be. This becomes a recipe in one's life and it's the unfailing recipe that leads to addictions…
Touching on pornography for a second, as that's our focus with Secret Habit, we see that most addicts to porn are stuck in a cycle of playing victim, they resent a certain circumstance, they begin hating others and hating themselves, and they are stuck feeling they deserve something, so they watch porn and masturbate to “get” what they thought they “needed”.
What is a victor?
A victor is someone who chooses to “see the glass half full”, or one who chooses to see the opportunity rather than the present circumstance. This is nothing more than a mindset, and its only when we choose to think differently about our circumstances will we be able to adopt this “victor” life stance.
But, what if I am addicted to porn right now?
Well, a victor is someone who chooses to see that this addiction is doing more damage than they had originally anticipated. When porn becomes a daily/weekly thing, it will, of course, harm you, but it will also begin to harm those around you. A victor decides to get out of denial, see the issue for what it truly is, and make the decision to say NO MORE. Fighting the battle is the beginning to winning the battle, and in my eyes, the victor is not just the one who has the victory in the end, it’s also the one who makes the right choice, to start the journey to victory today!
A victor is someone who chooses to “see the glass half full”, or one who chooses to see the opportunity rather than the present circumstance. This is nothing more than a mindset, and its only when we choose to think differently about our circumstances will we be able to adopt this “victor” life stance.
5 tips to experience victory over pornography addiction:
#1: Choose to be a victor, not a victim
As you have already read, there are some changes that need to be made to go from victim to victor… It is a mentality switch and it begins with you making the decision. Yes, you may think, “I have made this decision before, but it didn’t work for me” Well, most people make decisions, but have no plan in place to follow through with. What I am recommending you to do is:
– Make the decision
– Create a game-plan (Use Secret Habit as a resource, we are here to help)
– Refocus your thoughts
– Work the game-plan
#2: Focus on what you can do
It’s amazing how so many people go through life without purpose, without joy, and without an idea of why they do what they do… Well, if you have some extra time right now, like most of us do, why don’t you begin to ask some of the BIG questions in life?
-“What do I enjoy doing so much that I could help other people by doing it?”
-“What am I gifted in that I could turn into a vocation?”
-“What can I do today that if I do it, it will help me take the next step tomorrow?”
Questions like these are SO helpful! In this season right now, questions like these may be the key to you finding out how you can make some money and support yourself… I know that would be a game-changer for most of you! This is also a fantastic time to start learning something new, which could definitely be a part of you becoming an expert in the field of your passion. Take the time to get excited about learning! To learn something of purpose is one of the most fulfilling things on this earth.
A quick story to share what happened with me: When I started Secret Habit, I knew I wanted to help people, I knew I had a story of freedom from porn, and I knew that not many people were helping in the area of porn addiction. It would NEVER have been my first choice of “what I wanted to do” but what I realized really quickly is that when I worked on Secret Habit, I was more fulfilled than any other time… I challenge you, in this season of uncertainty, to step into something that you were made to do!
#3: Be a light in the darkness
You have something to share, everyone does… I never thought that I did while growing up, but obviously, if you are reading this blog, you believe I do. What if you wrote a blog, did a livestream, wrote a song, played an instrument, started a Facebook group? There are so many ways you can be a light in this time where people are stuck at home, afraid, and unsure of what to do. So again, its a good time to ask the questions that need to be asked and unleash the passion and gifts inside of you.
When you begin to work in an area of purpose, its incredible how you will almost automatically become a victor! Its true time and time again, when someone has purpose in life, they will start to become free from the shackles in their life, and this is how people quit things such as pornography… If something such as a purpose begins to serve you and fill that hole in your heart, the things that you previously used to numb the hole actually become unnecessary, and you outgrow the need for them.
#4: Be aware of what triggers you
When we are in a place of emotional strain, we will begin to be triggered by circumstances going on in our lives. The circumstance of you losing your job is only a circumstance, but what it does to you may be destructive…. Be aware of what is going on inside your mind before it traps you in the cycle of negativity, leading to falling into the victim role. It would be wise to take some time to write the triggers that send you into an emotional tailspin. Sure, some of them may be tough circumstances that seem justifiable, and some may have past trauma getting brought back up, but some may simply be revealing that you have an unhealthy outlook on life… Its so important to do this so you can live proactively, rather than living in reaction.
To identify a trigger, you may need to look back at the last couple of days and think to yourself, “What caused me to feel rage?”; “What was I feeling the last time I relapsed?”; “Who in my life makes me feel stressed?”, etc… There are so many revealing questions you can ask, so begin asking… You will be surprised at how much gets revealed in such a short period of time and will experience victory over porn addiction.
#5: Stay Connected
You are likely feeling isolated, regardless if you have COVID-19 or not, being forced into isolation is a challenge. This season can lead to a lack of connection, but sadly, if we’re not proactive, it may lead to a new habit of being disconnected.… As humans, we were created for connection and without it, our hearts grow weary… Ask yourself “What are some things I can do today to start getting connected?”
Here are a few examples that come to mind:
– Plan a video call with a friend
– Join or start a Reddit, Facebook, or online forum group
– Get some friends to play an online video game
– Find a language app and trade your English expertise for someone else’s first language expertise
– Learn some new games, or read a book as a group with those who you live with
To conclude:
As you may see, our take on helping someone experience victory over porn addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about helping someone change their lifestyle and seek what is good, rather than constantly avoid what is bad… If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it – This is why Secret Habit exists and I hope you have found this blog on "experience victory over porn addiction" helpful… we truly care and that’s why we do what we do
We are here to help you experience victory over porn addiction:
At Secret Habit, we want to add value in this season to anyone going through a hard time. Learn more about how we can help you through this:porn addiction help
The Gifts of Imperfection - This book was a huge part of my own personal healing journey and can help one get on the right track to being their best perfectly imperfect self
Consider before consuming podcast - Its a unique time to really consider what we do before we do, and this podcast will be a big help in that process.
Your brain on porn - A great resource to help you understand what happens to a pornified brain, and to guide you to make an informed decision.
It’s hard to escape the constant intake of COVID-19 updates, government decisions, and precautions we are supposed to take… TV, Social Media, News apps, Radio, etc, all offer us what we do need to know, but they also offer us negativity that we don’t need to be taking in. The constant intake of hysteria, chaos, fear, lockdowns, number of infected people, and whatever else we see, is causing our bodies damage, and we must take note of this truth. Porn is a side effect of stress.
This pandemic is a lot more than just a virus that we either need to avoid or one that we must ensure we don’t spread… We need to be aware that this pandemic can also be a breeding ground for addiction, mental health issues, and a wide variety of painful physical symptoms. You have likely heard the old saying “stress kills”? Well, because of the constant stress most of us are currently living in, the thoughts, the feelings, the actions, and the lives we are living may seem out of our control… When we begin to feel this way, the very feeling of being out of control may drive us to feel even more stress.
3 types of stress:
When we begin to live a life that seems out of control, some of the main emotions we may feel are anger, fear, and anxiety. These 3 emotions are major catalysts to the stressors we deal with each and every day. In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, because there is an obvious heightening of emotions, it's easy to feel even more out of control than ever before. The way one reacts to such emotions is a key factor in how healthy they are able to be. If someone is a naturally fearful person, the stress they would be going through in this time may be astronomical… If you are the kind of person who always imagines the worst-case scenario, always wants to control the situation, can’t rest until they know all the details, and whatever else comes with living in fear, then you are probably struggling a lot with this current season of life. If our whole day revolves around “what if”, we will be living in constant stress, and this very stress is what can cause damage to our bodies much worse than the COVID-19 virus.
Stress causes us to live in a negative spiral:
Porn is a side effect of stress! When the mind is sick, meaning, it naturally thinks negative thoughts, it gives into negative emotions, and it acts out of pain/reaction, it will inevitably lead to a sick body. When I say “body”, this includes the brain, and when I say “mind” I am talking about the workings of the brain. If you took a second and evaluated yourself since COVID-19 hit the news, is it possible that you have more tension in your neck? Are you are sleeping less? Maybe you have had headaches? Or maybe you find yourself relapsing into addiction again and again? This is what happens when the mind is stressed and the body begins to react. There is a lot to be said about how the body reacts to stress… I won’t get into all of that in this short blog, but make sure you check into the resources I offer at the end. Gabor Mate is an expert in this field, and one of his main findings is that the childhood trauma we carry into our adult lives is a key factor as to why we live stressfully, bogged down lives. Its situations such as COVID-19 that re-trigger the trauma and cause us to feel the pain, but in ways unlike before.
I have had my fair share of physical symptoms in my lifetime that we're able to be traced back to being 100% psychological and stress-related. I used to have such debilitating Carpal Tunnel (or so I was told) that I wore braces most of the day, couldn’t do my own dishes, and had trouble sleeping… I used to wear glasses, orthotics, knee braces, and I struggled to wear a necktie to work because the tightness around my neck would cause me so much pain I could not bear it… These, and many more painful symptoms caused me grief, but to make a long story short, I wanted to share with you that I have lived a life of subconscious stress, and it was miserable… yes, I still have stress, and it does lead to different types of physical pain at times, but I now realize that it’s my body’s way of telling me something is wrong internally and that it is not an injury or a problem that needs physical attention.
I know some of this can be touchy, but it's clear when reading from people like Gabor Mate and Dr. Sarno (Founder of “TMS”) that this is all very real. Not only does stress affect our bodies, but it can begin to affect our minds as well because porn is a side effect of stress. If you’re in constant pain from different stressors, not only is your life ruled by this stress, but your body is now working in a deficit… Sadly, the pain you will feel physically will lead to you feeling it emotionally. This can lead to depression, isolation, self-hatred, restlessness, and much more. There has been an influx of mental health issues over the years, and I wonder if a pandemic such as right now will be a catalyst for more cases than ever? These are the types of questions we have to be asking because when we ask, we can shed light that there are answers and things can make sense.
Is porn a side effect of stress or other way around?
What is the connection between Porn and Stress?
I want to take a moment and tie this into how all of this can lead people into beginning, or furthering their addictions such as pornography. Simply put, porn, and other addictions, are actually nothing more than symptoms and porn is a side effect of stress. One may watch porn because they long for something more than the stress, anger, fear, or defeatism they feel… In such emotional states, porn becomes the coping mechanism to numb the longing for more because one likely has no idea how to find this so-called “more” they need. Bringing this full circle to COVID-19, one may feel the stress of the situation, internalize these stressors, long for relief, but seek it in the wrong places such as pornography. I know it's a big idea, but if you think about it, it truly does make sense…
Let’s go back to the “stress kills” quote for a quick second – Do you believe this is true? If so, then this all makes sense, if not, pick up a book or a resource recommended below and my guess is that you may think otherwise. Remember, the word “kill” doesn’t have to mean sudden death, it can mean slow deterioration of things that are good and healthy… This my friends are exactly what’s happening.
If you're in constant pain from different stressors, not only is your life ruled by this stress, but your body is now working in a deficit… Sadly, the pain you will feel physically will lead to you feeling it emotionally. This can lead to depression, isolation, self hatred, restlessness, and much more.
5 tips on becoming more aware of the stress in your life:
#1: Journal out the negative and replace it with truth:
When you write out the thoughts and feelings on paper, you get to see them for what they are, lies. Make it a practice to write out your thoughts and feelings each morning, and each evening so that you can see how things shift throughout the day. The second piece to this exercise is to counter the lies you are thinking/feeling with truth. Ask yourself, “What is something true that I can believe today?” – You may write down a scripture, a motivational quote, an encouraging word someone once gave you. Whatever it is, ensure that it is believable, positive, and true, and you will start to fill your mind with what’s right and dilute what is wrong.
Something that is so important to do is to evaluate and assess. Heres the reality – Something has to happen for us to have an injury and feel REAL physical pain, and if we are dealing with emotional pain, we can actually trace it back to where it may have come from. If you feel some pain, some depression, something at all today, stop and ask yourself “Where could this be coming from?”… Maybe your back started hurting in the morning because you went to bed angry? Maybe your knee has been hurting but you didn’t do anything to hurt it? Or maybe you have some sort of issue but Doctors have said: “There’s nothing else we can do”? All our pains and problems are to be assessed so that we can live a healthy life of truth and exit the life of stress and lies.
#3: Speak to yourself, rather than listen:
When you listen to yourself, you are listening to all the negativity of your subconscious mind. To take control of your life and live in a healthy state during this COVID-19 pandemic, and for the rest of your life, you need to begin talking to yourself. Tell yourself how and what you want to think – This is referred to as “thought coaching” and it is crucial to you getting out of the routine you may stuck in. Combine this with your journaling and you will be well on your way to starting the day and ending the day on a healthy note.
When the body speaks, it is doing so for a reason. It may speak through painful physical or emotional symptoms as I had already explained, or it may speak in the opposite way, through healthy and affirming symptoms. I want to encourage you to begin taking care of yourself, and to do that, you need to understand what that even means! Check out this blog I wrote for some more depth to this subject… For now, lets talk about what to do:
You need to learn what is actually fulfilling to you, what is actually pleasuring to you, and what is actually something you like, but never do for yourself… This does not have to invoice money, going places, live entertainment or whatever else your mind may initially think of. The world we live in has made sex, food, and mental stimulation our “go-to” for pleasure, but honestly, ask yourself, is it pleasure? Do you feel better after? Its time to find a handful of things you love to do, and give yourself the grace to do them when you need a break, earned a reward, or have a day off. Give your mind and body the pleasure it deserves!
I know, it seems hard to connect right now due to COVID-19… But hey, the online world is loaded with places to connect! You can use forums, group chats, video calls, and so much more to stay connected. In your situation, it will be worth getting connected to the right communities, ones that are beneficial to your specific situation. If your body and/or mind are full of pain, an example of a fantastic forum would be the TMS Wiki Forum which is linked below. This is a place where you can read amazing stories of healing, get better informed on the practices, and post whatever you want to get yourself involved in the community. There are Facebook groups, Reddit groups, Church live streams, etc to get involved with, you just need to take the first step and say hi ?
Secret Habit is here to help you with porn and stress
Porn is a side effect of stress. We want to add value in this season to anyone going through a hard time. Check out our Porn Addiction Help Page and see how we can help you on your journey to victory.
Extra Resources and people that have helped me in these findings
Disclaimer: I am not an expert, simply someone with a story, a passion, and a desire to educate. I am sharing knowledge that I have taken from others such as Gabor Mate and Dr Sarno and I hope that you would seek them out as well. I want to note that not everything is psychological… It may sound like I am pinpointing that in my writing but I am certainly not. You must get checked by a doctor if you think something could be more severe, but keep in mind, doctors are in the business of selling drugs and making money too… That is why this is groundbreaking because our bodies can often tell us much more than a doctor.
Are you asking yourself “how do I stop watching porn?”
If your work has transitioned to a home office, you may be waking up with new struggles that you have never experienced before… One of those struggles is likely the temptation to numb, and one of the “go-to” coping mechanisms in such situations is internet pornography.
Why would someone look to numb when working from home is so great?
Well, working from home has its perks, but it can cause some serious emotions to flare up from triggers we may not be used to feeling during a common workday. With all the news feeds jammed full of updates on how bad things are looking, it's easy to feel a sense of overwhelm in this season of life.
When I say “emotional flare-up”, what I mean is that you now have so much more to deal with, likely, without knowing it. You have to be self-motivated, focused on the work task at hand, on a strict schedule to have a work-life balance, able to work solo without community, and one of the hardest things – distancing yourself from family so you can get work done, but all the while being in the same house.
There are many more struggles that come with working from home, but lets just focus in on what they can all lead to – Negative thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that can lead to a desire to numb.
These desires to numb mixed in with the shocking stats of how many people are watching porn regularly inevitably equal an increase in porn addiction… How so? Well, when someone is experiencing new emotional triggers (from being home from work), they may feel angry, fearful, purposeless, bored, and/or overwhelmed… These are all root emotions that often lead people to seek out and watch porn.
Why does this matter?
If you are working from home, you likely have more things to do each day (at work and around the house), topped with a greater pressure to perform, all the while having more time to be left alone with your computer to get into unhealthy things such as porn or tempting social media posts with nobody to hold you accountable and how to stop watching porn.
When I say “emotional flare-up”, what I mean is that you now have so much more to deal with, likely, without knowing it. You have to be self-motivated, focused on the work task at hand, on a strict schedule to have a work-life balance, able to work solo without community, and one of the hardest things - distancing yourself from family so you can get work done, but all the while being in the same house.
Here are 4 tips to help answer your question “how do I stop watching porn” while working from home:
#1: Set yourself up for success:
Now is the time to plan, not for how much food you need to outlast the coronavirus, but planning how you are going to combat the emotions that may drive you to watch porn and relapse… I would recommend having a daily plan that you set up the night prior so you are ready and prepared as soon as you wake up.
You may have some key things planned such as your morning routine, a set work schedule, a healthy exercise in between, your meal plan, a healthy stress reviver if the day gets hard, a chance to see your family, and so on… Being motivated by a purpose will help keep you from getting to the point of feeling the burn to numb. It will also be wise to plan your evenings, or off-work hours, especially the ones where you may be tempted by boredom or lack of anything “better” to do. Getting to bed at a regular time will be incredibly helpful in ensuring you don’t get caught up in being up late looking at things you know are going to be detrimental to your life.
It would also be a good idea to get yourself some accountability. Not because accountability is the answer to overcoming pornography, but because it adds a layer of protection that you likely had built-in while at work. Here is a link to Covenant Eyes, which is in my opinion, a top-notch resource for not only web filtering but for screen monitoring and total accountability with all things you view. You are going to want to talk to a few trusted friends of the same gender and have them become your “allies”. Now, these people aren’t just there for you to tell when you relapse… Find yourself a couple of key people who you know will ask you about the deeper issue behind why you sought out porn instead of a healthy alternative…
#2: Take care of yourself:
We live in a culture that has lost its understanding of what pleasure truly is… Think about this for a moment, maybe you worked hard all day, hit a goal, accomplished something important, so you choose to “celebrate” with something that actually makes you feel sick… Sex, porn, alcohol, food, sugar, etc… These have become the norm in the world of pleasure today, but really, are they pleasuring?
While working from home and experiencing new stressors, I want to challenge you to truly take care of yourself. As you are working from home, you will likely hit goals, accomplish things, feel the need to celebrate or let off some steam… This is the time to ask yourself the question, “What would be authentically pleasuring to me right now?”. You may be surprised to learn that the things we often do for “pleasure” are actually trash compared to what we truly want/need. “Authentic pleasure” is fulfilling, but so often, we seek “pleasure” that is so far from what we actually want/need because we are numbing something below the surface.
So its time to take care of yourself because you deserve so much better than trash. You deserve to feel authentic pleasure and you deserve to experience the fulfillment it brings. Try a walk around the park with your favorite music, have a hot bath with some epsom salts, watch something funny on YouTube and laugh, try making an exotic meal and enjoy the gift of making something new, buy a comfy office chair so you are reminded that you love yourself every time you sit on it, etc… there are so many things that will actually bring authentic pleasure if we just think to ourselves “What is actually going to fulfill me right now”.
What really sets you off? How to stop watching porn? Are there certain circumstances that cause you more stress, strain, anxiety, or fear than other ones? It would be wise to take some time to write the triggers that send you into an emotional tailspin. Sure, some of them may be tough circumstances that seem justifiable, and some may be past trauma getting brought back up, but some may simply be revealing that you have an unhealthy outlook on life… It’s so important to do this so you can live proactively, rather than living in reaction.
To identify a trigger, you may need to look back at the last couple of days and think to yourself, “What caused me to feel fear?”; “What was I feeling the last time I relapsed?”; “Who in my life makes me feel stressed?”, etc… There are so many revealing questions you can ask, so begin asking… You will be surprised at how much gets revealed!
#4: Change how you react to your triggers:
To piggyback off of the last point, here are the steps to changing how you react.
Begin with the negative – Write out your triggers, what you think after the trigger, how these thoughts make you feel, and then what these feelings lead you to do. Then, take some time and visualize and write out a positive response to the trigger… To change the response, you would begin with creating a positive thought, then imagine what that thought would make you feel like, then think about how that would lead you to act. Begin putting this into practice now by reviewing past situations where you didn’t react so well, so that the next time that trigger occurs, you will be prepared to respond differently.
We are here to help you learn much more than just how to stop watching porn. We want to help you find lasting freedom that changes your entire life:
At Secret Habit, we offer coaching for porn addiction. We have first-hand experience with these struggles and have effective methods to help.
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