by Shawn Bonneteau | Aug 30, 2019 | Porn Addiction
Freedom from porn is so much more than just sobriety...
There is a major difference between one who has “sobriety” and one who is experiencing health and freedom from porn.
Example #1: The “Dry Drunk” is the one who has recovered because he found sobriety:
This person may have been sober for say 20 years BUT still calls himself an “addict”. Let’s use an alcoholic for an example here – The reason they would still say “I am an addict” is that the moment they get a drop of alcohol on their tongue they would be right back to their destructive drinking habits. The reason for this is they have deeper problems than just drinking alcohol. The problem goes as deep as our root wounds and sometimes that is much deeper than we may want to go…
Example #2: “healthy” is the one who seeks total internal and external freedom from porn:
This person would be the one who was willing to do the deep work to get into their root wounds and heal from the inside out. They move past avoiding the habit and move into finding out why they seek the habit in the first place. This is what builds the foundation to becoming a healthy, aware, and forward-focused individually who is on their way to total health and freedom from porn, not just sobriety.
Understanding root wounds:
It may not be the most obvious example but onions are a great comparison here: Like onions, humans have many layers to their emotional self. You may think that our physical porn habit is the problem when truthfully, the issue may be that your Father never said “I love you” and was always working. Deep issues such as this can lead you to feel unloved, abandoned and even worthless. These are the very emotions and incidents that would drive someone to seek porn and other addictions. When this is the case, you need to get “beneath the layers” and work on what’s really bothering you and causing you to act out… Because if you dont, you will simply be left to avoid the habit and find sobriety when total health and freedom are 100% available to you!
3 tips to move from sobriety to experiencing health and freedom from porn
#1: Making intentional time for “self-care”
Check out this blog I wrote on self-care to help you begin to implement it in your recovery disciplines. This will certainly be a game-changer and something that can single handily lead to greater clarity and healing on your journey to freedom.
2 – Learn how to get into your heart, not just your head:
To be able to truly heal, you need to learn how to get into what is driving your addiction and desires to numb. Ask yourself questions such as:
- What am I running from right now?
- What am I trying to numb with porn?
- What am I feeling that causes me to clock out?
These answers will lead you to a place of awareness, which then leads you to a decision to make… Do you want to truly heal? Because if you do, then then the work you are going to have to do will require some depth. It’s time to take this to the next notch and begin asking questions that get below the surface, into the difficult times of your life.
To use the same brain that got you into your addiction to try and get out of it seems a bit crazy does it not? Well, it is… It’s actually a paraphrased definition of insanity
A Mentor is someone much greater than an accountability partner. Having someone to truly guide you to where they have been is going to be key to this journey to total health and freedom. To have someone who knows the common emotional issues, the practical steps, the twists and turns, and most of all, the result that you are seeking will be the exact piece to this puzzle that you need.
A mentor can be someone you know through your Church, a local organization, or even a friend that you look up to – Just make sure they have walked the walk and can help you through your journey.
Secret Habit is here to help you find freedom from porn:
We offer All in One coaching for porn addiction. We know what it’s like to not know where to go for help. If you don’t have a mentor or a guide in your life, consider reaching out to us, we would love to help you get to where you want to go - experiencing health and freedom from porn!
by Shawn Bonneteau | Aug 14, 2019 | Porn Addiction
Would you believe that taking care of yourself was a crucial step in lasting freedom from porn?
We all have God-given passions and talents to be used. Personally, I feel much better when I spend time doing what I love to do. Therefore, wouldn’t it be wise if we invested time into our passions as a foundation to our life, rather than spend time on them only as a reward?
When we practice self-care, we’re not only doing what fills us, but we are filling ourselves up so we can offer our best to the world around us. When we feel good and make a difference in others’ lives, it feels amazing!
How taking care of yourself fills you up so you can pour out:
When you decide to take 30 minutes in the morning and hit the gym, don’t you feel exponentially better? It’s amazing how something so small can reap such massive rewards. On the contrary, if you wake up and go right to work, then hit the gym afterward, it’s easy to feel as if it’s more of a chore. I am not saying this is everyone’s take, but in my experience, this is definitely the norm. Those who invest in what they love before they go through the day end up feeling better, doing better, and living better.
This practice of taking care of yourself does not have to be difficult. The very idea of self-care is just that, caring for yourself. It is also known as self-compassion and self-love. To practice this daily, it’s important to free up some time that suits you best. Many people choose the morning so they start their day feeling full and energized. From such a state, it becomes more and more natural to give to others throughout your day. For example, you may offer compliments to co-workers when normally you wouldn’t even notice. It becomes fun when your mind clears up and you see the world differently, all from taking care of yourself!
A common barrier to self-care:
Sometimes people say they “don’t deserve” to take care of themselves. Consequently, their life will reflect such an attitude. While, on the surface, they may justify why they think such a thing, deep down, their souls are longing for a necessary fill. When this happens, only truly caring for oneself will offer such a refill. To overcome the battle of unworthiness, there are some deeper-rooted issues that need to be uprooted. However, to put it simply, you must take a good hard look at your life and see that you can’t afford not to take the time for self-care any longer.
To get past this, you may need to deal with an inner critic. Check out my blog on how to do so
“SEEDS” for taking care of yourself:
- Social Contact
- Exercise
- Education
- Diet
- Sleep
To best explain each step of self-care from “seeds”, I will share the negative outcome if it is not taken seriously, and the positive outcome if it is. To illustrate, I will share how the lacking habits work against you, and how the on-track habits work for you.
“The Lacking Habits” of taking care of yourself:
Social Contact:
When one ignores the connection, they welcome isolation. This becomes the breeding ground for shame, faulty core beliefs, and lies from the enemy. To lock your addiction inside is like locking an elephant in a smart car… It will not end well. This route leads to further isolation, deeper addiction, and much worse consequences.
One caveat: You may be an introvert, and that’s certainly ok. Ultimately, introverts refresh and recharge when alone, but this does not mean they are to always be alone. Taking care of yourself will take a balance of both.
Education:
They say you are what you read/learn. Well, if you are arent learning anything good and spending all day filling your mind with junk like porn, then according to that saying, you are not heading in the best direction… When you neglect to learn about things such as your passions, helpful steps to recovery, reading about others’ freedom, and finding things that motivate you to quit porn, it makes it nearly impossible to feel like you could actually quit one day.
Exercise:
When you are, for lack of better words, “lazy”, your mind functions differently. The feeling of guilt is very real when you know you “should be” taking better care of yourself but don’t. When we treat ourselves with a laze, it ends up taking over our entire being. This is to say, we miss out on healthy dopamine and stress relief. When we neglect self-care, we are neglecting healthy habits that can take over for things such as porn and masturbation.
Diet:
We could all imagine a comic of a Mom saying to her son “You are what you eat”, as he turns into a candy bar with eyes. On a more serious note, what we fill out bodies with matters! While nobody is going to eat perfectly healthy all the time, we do need to understand that what we choose to fuel ourselves with ends up dictating parts of our life. For example, when we eat food that keeps us hungry or makes us tired, we often look for ways to numb out. Ultimately, If you are going to fill your body with junk then you are going to get unsatisfactory results until you decide to make a change.
Sleep:
I have heard it and sadly iv believed it… “You have to grind to accomplish big things” or how about “You can sleep when you’re dead”. Its sayings like these that I believe are burning down humanity! Sleep is an absolutely integral part of taking care of yourself. In addition, it’s a huge key to any recovery process (such as from porn). I have heard it said that when we get somewhere under 6 hours of sleep for a few nights in a row, we function as if we were intoxicated. That’s scary! Furthermore, when we let our sleep dwindle to minuscule hours, our ability to stand firm in our faith and live lives of integrity is really hard. Therefore, we are going to be bombarded with temptations that lead to compulsive behavior that in the end, rob us of our precious sleep.
Stress plays a huge factor in all of this. Check out my blog on how stress affects addiction
This practice of taking care of yourself does not have to be difficult. The very idea of self-care is just that, caring for yourself. It is also known as self-compassion and self-love.
“On Track Habits” of taking care of yourself
Social Contact:
There’s a great quote that says “The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, its connection”. I find this to be a life-changing idea and I hope it’s something that will radically change the way you see recovery. Because connection with others is what will motivate, inspire, and convict you in all aspects of your life, it’s vital to seek out the right people. To have peers going through recovery with you, to have friends who listen, and to have mentors who have walked the walk are examples of what a healthy community may look like. Ultimately, you want to surround yourself with people who help you become better, but also invite you into their lives too. This takes community to a whole new level, where it’s about pursuing purpose together and helping each other in all areas of life. With this, I am confident you will see the fruit in your life. It’s truly the gift that keeps on giving.
Education:
“I never let school get in the way of my education” is a favorite quote of mine. Maybe you have a pre conceded notion about learning that has kept you from engaging further. Maybe you have tried some things before and they didn’t work, or you think you know everything already… If so, let me tell you that there is a world of knowledge you are yet to discover. In other words, when you learn what actually works, you will inevitably see results… I know because it happens with all of my clients. I believe that our approach to recovery and living a life after porn will be a game-changer for you. I say this because there is a common “school of thought”, but it’s the outside-the-box thinking that truly works. All in all, getting educated on the heart of self-care is important when it comes to recovery or when you are simply wanting to learn to take care of yourself.
Exercise:
You know how it goes: You get back to working out and it feels so good. The fulfillment of being physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy is grand! In other words, when your brain gets that healthy dopamine hit and the boost in blood flow, it begins to function at its prime. When your brain is in such a state and your body feels cared for, you will inevitably feel better about yourself and be more willing to take a stand for what is right. Ultimately, taking care of yourself is more than just the exercise, it’s what happens to your brain, mind, and spirit as you do it. And it is from a holistic approach like this that will have you filling up for you can pour out.
Diet :
The greatest source of energy throughout the day is food. Therefore, in taking care of yourself, it’s vital that you primarily consume what serves you. Again, this is not to say you will eat perfectly, but it is to say that you must be mindful of what you eat. Self-care should involve eating what you love, but what you love may need a renovation. When you take the initiative to fuel yourself well, you will be amazed at what happens. You can expect to experience more energy, greater clarity, and deeper sleep.
Sleep:
When we sleep 7-8 hours a night, we are giving our bodies time to regenerate the energy it takes to live a life on purpose. I have heard it said that you prepare for tomorrow by what time you go to bed tonight. Therefore, being ahead of the 8-ball by planning your sleep schedule will reap incredible rewards. This schedule may also come with a routine of self-care. To illustrate, you may include a bedtime breathing technique, 15 minutes of bible reading, and a time of meditation and prayer Also, you will find it helpful to pre-plan what you will do in the morning. This will create anticipation and help you wake up with purpose.
To summarize:
Taking care of yourself can be simple. Starting with the easy-to-remember acronym “seeds” is a great way to begin. My encouragement is to start small and find your groove. Self-care is more about listening to your body than it is trying to force yourself.
If you need help on your journey, our All In One Porn Addiction Recovery System may be something to consider. Secret Habit helps men overcome sexual struggles with an effective holistic approach with the help of porn addiction coach.
Credit: Pure Desire for the “seeds” acronym taken from the “conquer series”
"
Are you the kind of person that wants to feel a sense of relief while in recovery?
Self Care Acronym: "SEEDS"
- Social Contact
- Exercise
- Education
- Diet
- Sleep
by Shawn Bonneteau | Aug 14, 2019 | Porn Addiction
Are you dating a girl that you love but are worried that your porn addiction will ruin the relationship? Do you want to quit porn but feel overwhelmed with how?
Are you married? Click here: My wife caught me watching porn... What do I do?
Dating can be a thrilling time. Full of new emotions, desires and joy... However, having porn enter the picture can be so painful. If thats where you're at right now, then you may be feeling the shame and guilt that can ensue. Being addicted to porn while in a relationship can bring up all sorts of fears, pressures and assumptions, making it impossible to really grow the relationship. If you have been caught watching porn by your girlfriend then its time to learn what it takes to quit porn, rebuild trust and find freedom. Let me give you some context and a few things that we believe will help you do that.
What porn addiction is doing to your relationship behind the scenes:
What porn addiction is doing to you - You may find that your expectations towards what your partner "should do" have become skewed. The way that you see people, and also act around them will change as you progress with porn. This all comes from a corruption of the heart and mind - you start to see the world through the lens of a porno film... Unfortunately, porn is not an isolated problem. It truly affects everything about you. It harms your brain, corrupts your mind, and hinders your body.
What porn addiction is doing to her - In this society, most of us know porn is a struggle that could be in any relationship. When there is an addiction that gets found out, it takes your girlfriend on an emotional roller coaster. It creates insecurity, a lack of trust, and a feeling of disrespect. This is why honesty before and in dating is so important. The really sad part is that she will likely blame herself for not being "good enough" and that is the reality of how corrosive porn is. When a woman is blindsided by her partner's porn addiction, she realizes that she is in a relationship with someone she doesn't truly know. This for a woman is devastating and often leads to her putting up walls and guarding parts of her that are intimate and precious. When this happens, the relationship suffers and this quote becomes so real, "Where secrets are present, intimacy is absent".
What porn addiction is doing to your relationship right now - An intimacy disorder forms when you're addicted to porn. Meaning that you do not know how to appropriately experience intimacy and attachment without sexualizing it or becoming co-dependent. The reality is, relationships are built on intimacy, trust, and safety. All 3 of these are harmed and hindered by your struggles with porn and thats tragic. Women are especially sensitive to emotional connection and for that to be hindered due to an addiction to porn is something to be very mindful of. Your relationship CANNOT thrive without the fundamental building blocks and porn simply does not allow those to develop.
What porn addiction will do to your relationship in the future - The future of a relationship is rather bleak when a porn addiction is discovered. Not to say that things can't change... that's my story, and I am so grateful for it! When I see it's "bleak" what I mean is that even if you guys stay together, if things don't change, the "bleakness" will be in the form of a relationship that is stagnant and stuck in survival mode. The future doesnt hold much hope or joy to be had when theres no signs of change. Ultimately, porn will rob you of sexual intimacy, emotional connection and physical closeness... 3 things that really make a relationship exciting and unified.
Read more about "How To Help Your Partner With Porn Addiction" if you're the non addicted partner.
Being addicted to porn while in a relationship can bring up all sorts of fears, pressures and assumptions, making it impossible to really grow the relationship.
Now that you know the harms of porn addiction in your dating relationship, here are 4 things you can do:
1. Realize you are not alone when struggling with porn - Trust yourself and others and start to believe that your story is no different from anyone else's... If someone has victory over porn and has a great relationship, know that you can too. Take me for an example! I was addicted for 14 years, brought porn into my dating relationship and marriage, and now have 5 years of freedom under my belt and dedicate my life to offering hope to men just like you.
If you want to find support from other guys who are going through porn addiction recovery or from those who have overcame what you're going through, read about my recovery community here and consider joining!
2. Realize forgiveness is available and needed - Forgive yourself. The past is the past and the future is unwritten. God offers forgiveness to those who are ready to humble themselves. You are a man who has turned down the wrong road but you are not too far gone. Anyone who has recovered was once where you are right now, don't forget that.
We have Jesus as our once and for all payment for past, present, and future sins. This is not an excuse to keep on sinning, but a beautiful reality that you are not condemned for your struggles... you're loved by god and its from this love you can make better choices for the good of your relationship.
3. You need to talk to someone about your struggles with porn - Trust and safety are vital when opening up to someone about your struggles with porn. An important step for you will be to open up to someone about your addiction... you may do this through a friend, a family member, a recovery group, or a trusted professional. Something happens inside of you when you begin to share about your struggles... vulnerability opens the door to feeling loved and when we feel loved, we no longer crave that validation from places like porn and masturbation. I so want you to experience how awesome it feels to be met with love after sharing something deep and heavy.
If you want to have an understanding on a journey of healing from porn addiction, then Click button bellow to get the free Porn Withdrawa Guide.
4. Take action on your porn addiction recovery and pursue healing - You need to take ownership of your addiction and realize that it wont heal on its own... To truly experience freedom, you need to learn the ins and outs of deep healing through a coach or other professional who is studied in the area of sexual addiction. Sure, you can read books, listen to podcasts and watch videos, but it's not until you learn how to reveal and heal the deep roots that you will experience the deep healing you need. I am a huge advocate for helping men take ownership of their struggle, learn the art of offering compassion to the boy inside of them that was hurt and became addicted, then lead himself into truth and healing. These recovery steps are crucial for those who want to experience FREEDOM from porn and so much more.
Learn more about how we can help become confident, healthy, and free through our porn recovery coaching: Porn Addiction Help
