Seek health and freedom, not just recovery from porn

Seek health and freedom, not just recovery from porn

Seek health and freedom, not just recovery from porn

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 30, 2019

To truly heal from pornography addiction, you need to seek health and freedom, not just recovery
 
What does this mean?
 
Well, let’s look at an example of someone who has “recovered” and someone who has “healed”
 
The “Dry Drunk” is the one who has recovered because he found sobriety: This person may have been sober for say 20 years BUT still calls himself an “addict”. Let’s use an alcoholic for an example here – The reason they would still say “I am an addict” is that the moment they get a drop of alcohol on their tongue they would be right back to their destructive drinking habits. The reason for this is they have deeper problems than just drinking alcohol. The problem goes as deep as our root wounds and sometimes that is much deeper than we may want to go… 
 
Someone who is “Healthy” is typically the one who has found what most desire, FREEDOM from their addiction: This person would be the one who was willing to do the deep work to get into their root wounds and heal from the inside out. They move past avoiding the habit and move into finding out why they seek the habit in the first place. This is what builds the foundation to becoming a healthy, aware, and forward-focused individually who is on their way to total health and freedom, not just recovery!
 
 
Heres an analogy to help you understand the root wounds and why they are so important to go from “recovery” to “healthy”
 
It may not be the most obvious example but onions are a great comparison here: Like onions, humans have many layers to their emotional self. You may think that our physical porn habit is the problem when truthfully, the issue may be that your Father never said “I love you” and was always working. Deep issues such as this can lead you to feel unloved, abandoned and even worthless. These are the very emotions and incidents that would drive someone to seek porn and other addictions. When this is the case, you need to get “beneath the layers” and work on what’s really bothering you and causing you to act out… Because if you dont, you will simply be left to avoid the habit and find sobriety when total health and freedom are 100% available to you!
 
How can you move into seeking “health and freedom” and not just “recovery?
 
1 – One of the most important habits one can get into when seeking total health and not just recovery is “self-care”
Check out this blog I wrote on self-care during to help you begin to implement it in your recovery disciplines. This will certainly be a game-changer and something that can single handily lead to greater clarity and healing on your journey to freedom.
 
2 – Learning how to get into your heart, not just your head: To be able to truly heal, you need to learn how to get into what is driving your addiction and desire to numb. Ask yourself questions such as:
 
  • What am I running from right now?
  • What am I trying to numb with porn?
  • What am I feeling that causes me to clock out?

Someone who is “Healthy” is typically the one who has found what most desire, FREEDOM from their addiction: This person would be the one who was willing to do the deep work to get into their root wounds and heal from the inside out. They move past avoiding the habit and move into finding out why they seek the habit in the first place. This is what builds the foundation to becoming a healthy, aware, and forward-focused individually who is on their way to total health and freedom, not just recovery!

These answers will lead you to a place of awareness, which then leads you to a decision to make… Do you want to truly heal? Because if you do, then then the work you are going to have to do will require some depth. Its time to take this to the next notch and begin asking questions that get below the surface, into the difficult times of your life.
 
3 – Find a mentor to help you see where you are settling for less: To use the same brain that got you into your addiction to try and get out of it seems a bit crazy does it not? Well, it is… Its actually a paraphrased definition of insanity 
 
A Mentor is someone much greater than an accountability partner. Having someone to truly guide you to where they have been is going to be key to this journey to total health and freedom. To have someone who knows the common emotional issues, the practical steps, the twists and turns, and most of all, the result that you are seeking will be the exact piece to this puzzle that you need.
 
A mentor can be someone you know through your Church, a local organization, or even a friend that you look up to – Just make sure they have walked the walk and can help you through your journey. 
 
If you don’t have someone such as this, feel free to reach out to Shawn or Helena – This is what we are Certified in, passionate about, and called to do. Check out Shawn’s and Helena’s story here to see who we are, what we are all about, and how we went from trial to triumph

A Mentor is someone much greater than an accountability partner. Having someone to truly guide you to where they have been is going to be key to this journey to total health and freedom.

To have someone who knows the common emotional issues, the practical steps, the twists and turns, and most of all, the result that you are seeking will be the exact piece to this puzzle that you need.

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How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 14, 2019

Are there some people in your life that you have really hurt by what you have done?
 
Are you feeling like you let your spouse down? God down? and even yourself down?
 
Well, I was there and I can relate if you are in that spot right now. I know the feeling and it can be devastating…
 
For me, It was a deep shame that I had let my Wife down and had also led her into a world of future pain. To know that this affected my Wife, my God, and myself was something I was finally not ok with… The crazy thing about it is the small steps proved to be the greatest of steps.
 
I spent so many years trying to quit porn, to then relapse with even more porn, to then try new strategies to quit porn all over again, to then only have them fail and bring me back to the start. This cycle had me so frustrated!
 
Have you ever been in this cycle? It sucks!
So I started to change my heart and mind towards quitting. I realized this was a battle that had more to do with my heart and my beliefs than my behaviours.
Let’s look at what it took from the perspective of the heart… aka, the Limbic System*
 
With My Wife
* I gave her reasons to trust me – I know it would hard to deal with… A spouse that is freaking out because they now know the deep dark truth. I was blessed to have a supportive Wife but things I did and would absolutely recommend would be to take ownership and realize that if she is angry, sad, or avoiding, she has every right to do so. This shouldn’t stop you from showing her/him you are committed! I personally started reading, joining groups, seeking the Lord, and showing her my love and was blessed with a positive response.
 
* I realized that feelings follow actions – When she was angry, sad, or avoiding me, I decided to put into practice one challenging quote I had heard before “Feelings follow actions”. So what does that mean? It means that I would be kind, I would help, I would love, I would do whatever my emotions didn’t really want to do… Amazingly, I always felt better and I know it was vital in her seeing me truly change
 
With Myself
 
* I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it. I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be… but man oh man is it ever rewarding!
 
* I started to see what porn was doing to my life as a whole – To see from a bird’s eye view the damage that porn had done in my life… My marriage, self-image, confidence, relationships, views, lies, wounds and so on and so on, was terrifying. To think as a young punk that porn is fun and would one day be unnecessary and replaced by sex is a lie! I began to journal, read, reflect, ask questions, and speak to myself with positive self talk. These all made me even more aware of how deeply I was wounded.
 
There is something called “self-care” in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and all
Self-care is often left out because one may feel as if they don’t “deserve” it. Or maybe they feel they don’t need it…
With God
* “I don’t want to mess up and miss out on Gods blessings”– I started thinking about how much He wanted to bless me. But like any good Father, you don’t enable your Kid’s by supplying them the best of the best if they disobey with complete knowledge of what they are doing!
 
* “He has already forgiven me, He must really love me” – Since turning 22 and turning my life over to Christ I really didn’t understand this forgiveness thing… It took me up until getting free from porn to start feeling an overwhelming sense of gratefulness that started to, in the healthiest way, consume me. I was bubbly, joyful and full of life every time I thought about the work Christ did and was doing in me and it’s still an ongoing work He has done with me
Everyone has a different story but I truly believe these can be put into practice by anyone! 
 
Please realize this is an inward battle and a battle of the mind!
 
-Take ownership today for your struggle
-Start taking the small steps right now to rebuild relationships
-Fight the good fight with us towards true freedom
 
*Video on the Limbic system – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jYvgrGPfqI

 

I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it.

 

I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be… but man oh man is it ever rewarding!

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My Girlfriend Caught Me Watching Porn… What Do I Do?

My Girlfriend Caught Me Watching Porn… What Do I Do?

My Girlfriend Caught Me Watching Porn… What Do I Do?

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 14, 2019

Are you dating a girl that you love but are worried that your porn addiction will ruin the relationship? Do you want to quit but feel overwhelmed with how?
 
It’s time to let go of this pressure and kick this bad habit before it can really get ugly. If you want to have a thriving marriage one day then the decision to quit porn now will help make that a possibility.
You are probably asking “My girlfriend wants me to quit porn… what do I do?” Well, let me give you some context and a few things that we believe will help
 
What porn is doing behind the scenes:
 
* To you – You may find that your expectations towards what your mate “should do” have become skewed. The way that you see people, and also act around them will change as you progress with porn. This all comes from a corruption of the heart and mind – you start to see the world through the lens of a porno film…
 
* To her – In this society, most of us know porn is a struggle that could be in any relationship. When there is an addiction that gets found out, it takes your girlfriend on an emotional roller coaster. It creates insecurity, a lack of trust, and a feeling of disrespect. This is why honesty before and in dating is so important. The really sad part is that she will likely blame herself for not being “good enough” and that is the reality of how corrosive porn is.
 
* Right now – It will create a tension that could hurt your future with this potential spouse. The tension will likely be from your guilt and their lack of trust, and sadly, this often ends relationships.
 
* In the future – You will be playing with fire that will potentially cut off any future with your girlfriend. If she has any self-respect and feels that you are unwilling to change, there is no reason she should stay. Please be aware of this and realize you cannot play the victim if this happens.
  

It’s time to let go of this pressure and kick this bad habit before it can really get ugly. If you want to have a thriving marriage one day then the decision to quit porn now will help make that a possibility

Now that you know the harms, here are 4 things you can do:
 
1. Realize you are not alone – Trust yourself and others and start to believe that your story is no different from anyone else’s… If someone has victory over porn and has a great relationship, know that you can too.
 
2. Realize forgiveness is available and needed – Forgive yourself. The past is the past and the future is unwritten. God offers forgiveness to those who are ready to humble themselves. You are a man who has turned down the wrong road but you are not too far gone. Anyone who has recovered was once where you are right now, don’t forget that.
 
3. You need to talk to someone – Trust someone enough to let them show you love and support and to speak truth and correction into you. Seek someone out, find a group, or get connected to a church or organization that focuses on recovery. This is not only important but vital! To have a place to heal and grow is crucial for you. I would even recommend a place of healing for your partner if you see things becoming serious and long-term.
 
4. Take action on recovery steps – Read books, watch video’s, grow yourself, develop your mind, and change your heart! Take 15 minutes during breakfast to read, 15 minutes on your lunch break to watch a video, and finish off with 15 minutes after dinner to journal! These are so important to you healing the underlying issues.

You may find that your expectations towards what your mate “should do” have become skewed

 

You may find that your expectations towards what your mate “should do” have become skewed. The way that you see people, and also act around them will change as you progress with porn. This all comes from a corruption of the heart and mind – you start to see the world through the lens of a porno film…

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How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it.

How To Cure Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

How To Cure Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction is, on the surface, caused by watching porn… I think we can all agree that this is an obvious factor to the equation. To make things very clear, this is a brain problem and nothing more. I want you to know that it is not your fault, and it is not something you could have imagined happening when you first started watching porn.

Selfcare During Recovery

Selfcare During Recovery

Are you the kind of person that wants to feel a sense of relief while in recovery? This does not have to be difficult… There is something called “self-care” in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and all

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media