Seek health and freedom, not just recovery from porn

Seek health and freedom, not just recovery from porn

Seek health and freedom, not just recovery from porn

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 30, 2019

To truly heal from pornography addiction, you need to seek health and freedom, not just recovery
 
What does this mean?
 
Well, let’s look at an example of someone who has “recovered” and someone who has “healed”
 
The “Dry Drunk” is the one who has recovered because he found sobriety: This person may have been sober for say 20 years BUT still calls himself an “addict”. Let’s use an alcoholic for an example here – The reason they would still say “I am an addict” is that the moment they get a drop of alcohol on their tongue they would be right back to their destructive drinking habits. The reason for this is they have deeper problems than just drinking alcohol. The problem goes as deep as our root wounds and sometimes that is much deeper than we may want to go… 
 
Someone who is “Healthy” is typically the one who has found what most desire, FREEDOM from their addiction: This person would be the one who was willing to do the deep work to get into their root wounds and heal from the inside out. They move past avoiding the habit and move into finding out why they seek the habit in the first place. This is what builds the foundation to becoming a healthy, aware, and forward-focused individually who is on their way to total health and freedom, not just recovery!
 
 
Heres an analogy to help you understand the root wounds and why they are so important to go from “recovery” to “healthy”
 
It may not be the most obvious example but onions are a great comparison here: Like onions, humans have many layers to their emotional self. You may think that our physical porn habit is the problem when truthfully, the issue may be that your Father never said “I love you” and was always working. Deep issues such as this can lead you to feel unloved, abandoned and even worthless. These are the very emotions and incidents that would drive someone to seek porn and other addictions. When this is the case, you need to get “beneath the layers” and work on what’s really bothering you and causing you to act out… Because if you dont, you will simply be left to avoid the habit and find sobriety when total health and freedom are 100% available to you!
 
How can you move into seeking “health and freedom” and not just “recovery?
 
1 – One of the most important habits one can get into when seeking total health and not just recovery is “self-care”
Check out this blog I wrote on self-care during to help you begin to implement it in your recovery disciplines. This will certainly be a game-changer and something that can single handily lead to greater clarity and healing on your journey to freedom.
 
2 – Learning how to get into your heart, not just your head: To be able to truly heal, you need to learn how to get into what is driving your addiction and desire to numb. Ask yourself questions such as:
 
  • What am I running from right now?
  • What am I trying to numb with porn?
  • What am I feeling that causes me to clock out?

Someone who is “Healthy” is typically the one who has found what most desire, FREEDOM from their addiction: This person would be the one who was willing to do the deep work to get into their root wounds and heal from the inside out. They move past avoiding the habit and move into finding out why they seek the habit in the first place. This is what builds the foundation to becoming a healthy, aware, and forward-focused individually who is on their way to total health and freedom, not just recovery!

These answers will lead you to a place of awareness, which then leads you to a decision to make… Do you want to truly heal? Because if you do, then then the work you are going to have to do will require some depth. Its time to take this to the next notch and begin asking questions that get below the surface, into the difficult times of your life.
 
3 – Find a mentor to help you see where you are settling for less: To use the same brain that got you into your addiction to try and get out of it seems a bit crazy does it not? Well, it is… Its actually a paraphrased definition of insanity 
 
A Mentor is someone much greater than an accountability partner. Having someone to truly guide you to where they have been is going to be key to this journey to total health and freedom. To have someone who knows the common emotional issues, the practical steps, the twists and turns, and most of all, the result that you are seeking will be the exact piece to this puzzle that you need.
 
A mentor can be someone you know through your Church, a local organization, or even a friend that you look up to – Just make sure they have walked the walk and can help you through your journey. 
 
If you don’t have someone such as this, feel free to reach out to Shawn or Helena – This is what we are Certified in, passionate about, and called to do. Check out Shawn’s and Helena’s story here to see who we are, what we are all about, and how we went from trial to triumph

A Mentor is someone much greater than an accountability partner. Having someone to truly guide you to where they have been is going to be key to this journey to total health and freedom.

To have someone who knows the common emotional issues, the practical steps, the twists and turns, and most of all, the result that you are seeking will be the exact piece to this puzzle that you need.

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How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 14, 2019

Are there some people in your life that you have really hurt by what you have done?
 
Are you feeling like you let your spouse down? God down? and even yourself down?
 
Well, I was there and I can relate if you are in that spot right now. I know the feeling and it can be devastating…
 
For me, It was a deep shame that I had let my Wife down and had also led her into a world of future pain. To know that this affected my Wife, my God, and myself was something I was finally not ok with… The crazy thing about it is the small steps proved to be the greatest of steps.
 
I spent so many years trying to quit porn, to then relapse with even more porn, to then try new strategies to quit porn all over again, to then only have them fail and bring me back to the start. This cycle had me so frustrated!
 
Have you ever been in this cycle? It sucks!
So I started to change my heart and mind towards quitting. I realized this was a battle that had more to do with my heart and my beliefs than my behaviours.
Let’s look at what it took from the perspective of the heart… aka, the Limbic System*
 
With My Wife
* I gave her reasons to trust me – I know it would hard to deal with… A spouse that is freaking out because they now know the deep dark truth. I was blessed to have a supportive Wife but things I did and would absolutely recommend would be to take ownership and realize that if she is angry, sad, or avoiding, she has every right to do so. This shouldn’t stop you from showing her/him you are committed! I personally started reading, joining groups, seeking the Lord, and showing her my love and was blessed with a positive response.
 
* I realized that feelings follow actions – When she was angry, sad, or avoiding me, I decided to put into practice one challenging quote I had heard before “Feelings follow actions”. So what does that mean? It means that I would be kind, I would help, I would love, I would do whatever my emotions didn’t really want to do… Amazingly, I always felt better and I know it was vital in her seeing me truly change
 
With Myself
 
* I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it. I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be… but man oh man is it ever rewarding!
 
* I started to see what porn was doing to my life as a whole – To see from a bird’s eye view the damage that porn had done in my life… My marriage, self-image, confidence, relationships, views, lies, wounds and so on and so on, was terrifying. To think as a young punk that porn is fun and would one day be unnecessary and replaced by sex is a lie! I began to journal, read, reflect, ask questions, and speak to myself with positive self talk. These all made me even more aware of how deeply I was wounded.
 
There is something called “self-care” in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and all
Self-care is often left out because one may feel as if they don’t “deserve” it. Or maybe they feel they don’t need it…
With God
* “I don’t want to mess up and miss out on Gods blessings”– I started thinking about how much He wanted to bless me. But like any good Father, you don’t enable your Kid’s by supplying them the best of the best if they disobey with complete knowledge of what they are doing!
 
* “He has already forgiven me, He must really love me” – Since turning 22 and turning my life over to Christ I really didn’t understand this forgiveness thing… It took me up until getting free from porn to start feeling an overwhelming sense of gratefulness that started to, in the healthiest way, consume me. I was bubbly, joyful and full of life every time I thought about the work Christ did and was doing in me and it’s still an ongoing work He has done with me
Everyone has a different story but I truly believe these can be put into practice by anyone! 
 
Please realize this is an inward battle and a battle of the mind!
 
-Take ownership today for your struggle
-Start taking the small steps right now to rebuild relationships
-Fight the good fight with us towards true freedom
 
*Video on the Limbic system – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jYvgrGPfqI

 

I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it.

 

I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be… but man oh man is it ever rewarding!

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How To Cure Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

How To Cure Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

How To Cure Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 14, 2019

Are you feeling the weight of sexual pressure due to erectile dysfunction?

Struggling with Erectile Dysfunction has become an epidemic in the lives of men today. With pornography so readily available, heavy doses of stress in our everyday lives, and Doctors diagnosing physical symptoms prior to examining psychological symptoms, we are seeing an uprising in men of all ages dealing with this phenomenon called “Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction” (aka “PIED”)

 

What is Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction?
In simple terms, when the penis cannot get hard enough to have intercourse, Erectile Dysfunction (aka “ED”) is diagnosed. When we look at “Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction”, the nature of this diagnosis confirms that it is related to one’s porn addiction and is then a sure problem of the mind, not the body.

As it says in Ephesians 6:12  “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

 

This means that there is much more below the surface as to why we struggle to get and stay hard… let’s look at why this may be happening to so many men today. 
Why does Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction happen?

Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction is, on the surface, caused by watching porn… I think we can all agree that this is an obvious factor to the equation. To make things very clear, this is a brain problem and nothing more. I want you to know that it is not your fault, and it is not something you could have imagined happening when you first started watching porn. 

 

The brain is much more powerful than most of us know. To help you better understand your struggles with PIED, here are 3 key things happening in your brain:
  • Dopamine – Dopamine is a chemical that is released when you anticipate something you want. When you have sexual expectations, you are anticipating them to be met which then shoots a dose of “feel-good juice” into your brain. This seems to be a never-failing plan when there is endless porn available at the click of a button… but how about when we are talking about real life? 
Basically, if you watch porn and your expectations are set to what happens in a porn video, your partner will NEVER match up. When your sexual expectations, no matter how healthy or unhealthy they are, go unmet, you will experience a dopamine shortage which equates to weak erections.
  • Sensitization –  This can also be known as “Premature ejaculation” which may be a more common term to you. When the brain becomes “sensitized”, you will notice a major shift in your arousal. Becoming much like the dogs in Pavlov’s experiment, the brain will become aroused by specific sounds, smells, emotions, etc… 
If these specific sensations come from porn or experience around porn, then you will ALWAYS struggle to get aroused by our partner… The brain literally rewires itself to enjoy only what gives it the most dopamine.
  • Desensitization – This term is also known as “Delayed Ejaculation” and may be referred to as “Tolerance”. In layman’s terms – You need harder, more shocking arousal to get turned on, you crave more but enjoy less, and you feel no pleasure from healthy sex… Doesn’t this sound terrible! Well, this is what porn is doing to those who continue to watch it day in and day out. 

When you get to the point of craving more, but enjoying less, you come to face to face with the reality that your partners cannot satisfy, and really, you don’t know if anything can. This hinders dopamine and other healthy chemicals such as adrenaline, which then leads to your struggles with Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction.

 

What goes on inside a man struggling with Porn-induced erectile Dysfunction?

When a man, such as yourself, is battling Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction, you are likely wondering if anyone understands your horrific situation… Well, I do. Let me share a quick bit to help you understand that you are not alone in this.

 

Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction is, on the surface, caused by watching porn… I think we can all agree that this is an obvious factor to the equation. To make things very clear, this is a brain problem and nothing more. I want you to know that it is not your fault, and it is not something you could have imagined happening when you first started watching porn. 

As a married man, I looked at myself as someone who should finally be fulfilled. I had Christ, I was newly married to a beautiful Wife, and I was finally able to stay porn free for a few months. Things were really looking good for someone who had been hopelessly addicted to porn. After the wedding and a few sober months from porn, I realized very quickly, after this sort of nirvana washed away, that my life had a new challenge. This was something I google diagnosed as “Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction”. I gulped as I quickly realized I was dealing with the effects of porn in a greater way than ever before. Without porn as my scapegoat, and out of terror of hurting my wife, I began trying to force myself to get hard every time we would have sex. This only leads to great despair as I began to feel worthless and incapable, and she started feeling unattractive and unsatisfied. As things got worse, I realized I was falling into a pit of total despair, leaving my wife to make sense of it all for herself. I felt so much pressure, guilt, doubt, anxiety, self-hatred, and worst of all distance from my Wife…

If my story sounds familiar and you are experiencing anything as I had, I want to assure you that you are in the right place. No matter if you are single, married, divorced, young, old, shy, or confident… This fast-spreading problem of PIED that has gripped you is not something you need to struggle with any longer! The steps that I took to heal can go much deeper for some and they may be simpler for others. All you need to know is if I healed, why can’t you? If others have seen the benefits and are now enjoying healthy sexual intimacy, why can’t you?

 

To see the 3 steps you can take to cure your porn-induced erectile dysfunction, please click here.
This was a blog Shawn did as a guest on their website so to see the full post, we must direct you to their website.

When you get to the point of craving more, but enjoying less, you come to face to face with the reality that your partners cannot satisfy, and really, you don’t know if anything can.

This hinders dopamine and other healthy chemicals such as adrenaline, which then leads to your struggles with Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction.

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I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it.

How To Cure Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

How To Cure Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction is, on the surface, caused by watching porn… I think we can all agree that this is an obvious factor to the equation. To make things very clear, this is a brain problem and nothing more. I want you to know that it is not your fault, and it is not something you could have imagined happening when you first started watching porn.

Selfcare During Recovery

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Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

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We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media

What to do when porn is in your marriage?

What to do when porn is in your marriage?

What to do when porn is in your marriage?

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 14, 2019

Has your porn addiction caused a problem in your marriage?
What would you give to have a marriage with NO PORN!?

It’s time to win back the sex life, intimacy, and trust you and your Spouse deserve!

I want to bring HOPE to those who:

1. Currently, have porn affecting their marriage – The abuser could be you or your spouse… regardless of who it is, there is hope for you! I have personally been the abuser and I watched how my Wife handled my addiction with such grace.

2- Had porn affect their marriage in the past – Maybe porn and masturbation are no longer problems but the lingering effects of them are…

3- Are scared of porn being in their marriage but are unsure of how to handle it – Maybe you sense there is porn in the home but you are afraid to confront the issue… We will talk about some things that will inspire you to have that conversation

Porn can destroy a marriage long before the ring is purchased:

Prior – There can be a real sense of unawareness of how bad things really can get… It’s easy to think you can quit porn no problem once you are married… It’s just NOT TRUE.

Engaged – Major pressure builds when the ring goes on but the porn is still streaming… There is an extremely heavy weight that sits on your shoulders when you say “I love you” to your Fiancee when there’s another love you have behind the scenes.

Married – The Wedding band goes on but nothing changes… This is where the ultimate shame cycle begins…

Porn in the Marriage bed affects:
Check out Terry Crews talking about his addiction HERE

Intimacy – This is the most precious part of the marriage… it was created to be beautiful by God Almighty! When you are getting instant gratification from porn it’s hard to “recharge” quick enough to then gratify your spouse. This will ruin pride in a heartbeat and I do not wish this for anyone… IT SUCKS

Desire – How can you desire porn and your spouse? I remember watching porn and masturbating the night before to then have my Wife ask me in the morning “how do I look”? Even if she looked great, which she did! It was so hard to desire her because I was selfishly getting my fix alone at night.

Affection – I personally found it difficult to be grateful for what my Wife would do. I am sure you notice this… It’s hard to be touchy, joyful, cute, silly, whatever else with your spouse. Guilt and shame kick in and you realize that porn CRUSHES closeness

 

Seek help – My Wife trusted me most when I went spent time in my Bible and in prayer, went to support groups, saw a counsellor, and sought out mentorship. I recommend these things as absolutely necessary things to grow trust and of course, get free!

If porn is in your marriage, here are some steps you can take to bring healing:

-Take Ownership – You need to realize that your struggle has created an emotional wound for your spouse. This happening should not change anything in the way you treat them. It is your fault, no matter how sad the story may be…

-Love more than you have ever loved before – Do not let your spouse’s emotions towards betrayal change the way you love them! I know its hard to love more when they may cry, feel down, and even blame (It’s fair for them to do so) but this is the time to show the truest form of unconditional love that they deserve.

-Seek help – My Wife trusted me most when I went spent time in my Bible and in prayer, went to support groups, saw a counsellor, and sought out mentorship. I recommend these things as absolutely necessary things to grow trust and of course, get free!

*Be sure to reach out if you want further help on these steps. Obviously, these go much deeper than just awareness… Get in touch HERE and lets chat about some of the steps you can take to work this plan

Love more than you have ever loved before 

 

Do not let your spouse’s emotions towards betrayal change the way you love them! I know its hard to love more when they may cry, feel down, and even blame (It’s fair for them to do so) but this is the time to show the truest form of unconditional love that they deserve.

Related Articles

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it.

How To Cure Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

How To Cure Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction is, on the surface, caused by watching porn… I think we can all agree that this is an obvious factor to the equation. To make things very clear, this is a brain problem and nothing more. I want you to know that it is not your fault, and it is not something you could have imagined happening when you first started watching porn.

Selfcare During Recovery

Selfcare During Recovery

Are you the kind of person that wants to feel a sense of relief while in recovery? This does not have to be difficult… There is something called “self-care” in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and all

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media