How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 14, 2019

Are there some people in your life that you have really hurt by what you have done?
 
Are you feeling like you let your spouse down? God down? and even yourself down?
 
Well, I was there and I can relate if you are in that spot right now. I know the feeling and it can be devastating…
 
For me, It was a deep shame that I had let my Wife down and had also led her into a world of future pain. To know that this affected my Wife, my God, and myself was something I was finally not ok with… The crazy thing about it is the small steps proved to be the greatest of steps.
 
I spent so many years trying to quit porn, to then relapse with even more porn, to then try new strategies to quit porn all over again, to then only have them fail and bring me back to the start. This cycle had me so frustrated!
 
Have you ever been in this cycle? It sucks!
So I started to change my heart and mind towards quitting. I realized this was a battle that had more to do with my heart and my beliefs than my behaviours.
Let’s look at what it took from the perspective of the heart… aka, the Limbic System*
 
With My Wife
* I gave her reasons to trust me – I know it would hard to deal with… A spouse that is freaking out because they now know the deep dark truth. I was blessed to have a supportive Wife but things I did and would absolutely recommend would be to take ownership and realize that if she is angry, sad, or avoiding, she has every right to do so. This shouldn’t stop you from showing her/him you are committed! I personally started reading, joining groups, seeking the Lord, and showing her my love and was blessed with a positive response.
 
* I realized that feelings follow actions – When she was angry, sad, or avoiding me, I decided to put into practice one challenging quote I had heard before “Feelings follow actions”. So what does that mean? It means that I would be kind, I would help, I would love, I would do whatever my emotions didn’t really want to do… Amazingly, I always felt better and I know it was vital in her seeing me truly change
 
With Myself
 
* I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it. I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be… but man oh man is it ever rewarding!
 
* I started to see what porn was doing to my life as a whole – To see from a bird’s eye view the damage that porn had done in my life… My marriage, self-image, confidence, relationships, views, lies, wounds and so on and so on, was terrifying. To think as a young punk that porn is fun and would one day be unnecessary and replaced by sex is a lie! I began to journal, read, reflect, ask questions, and speak to myself with positive self talk. These all made me even more aware of how deeply I was wounded.
 
There is something called “self-care” in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and all
Self-care is often left out because one may feel as if they don’t “deserve” it. Or maybe they feel they don’t need it…
With God
* “I don’t want to mess up and miss out on Gods blessings”– I started thinking about how much He wanted to bless me. But like any good Father, you don’t enable your Kid’s by supplying them the best of the best if they disobey with complete knowledge of what they are doing!
 
* “He has already forgiven me, He must really love me” – Since turning 22 and turning my life over to Christ I really didn’t understand this forgiveness thing… It took me up until getting free from porn to start feeling an overwhelming sense of gratefulness that started to, in the healthiest way, consume me. I was bubbly, joyful and full of life every time I thought about the work Christ did and was doing in me and it’s still an ongoing work He has done with me
Everyone has a different story but I truly believe these can be put into practice by anyone! 
 
Please realize this is an inward battle and a battle of the mind!
 
-Take ownership today for your struggle
-Start taking the small steps right now to rebuild relationships
-Fight the good fight with us towards true freedom
 
*Video on the Limbic system – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jYvgrGPfqI

 

I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it.

 

I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be… but man oh man is it ever rewarding!

Related Articles

Why Is COVID-19 Causing You To Relapse?

Why Is COVID-19 Causing You To Relapse?

It’ s also vital to look at one’s past in the way they were raised, treated, communicated with, and cared for. There are so many factors that fly under the radar when asking the questions “Why can’t I quit porn” or “Why am I relapsing so much right now”

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it.

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media

Selfcare During Recovery

Selfcare During Recovery

Selfcare During Recovery

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 14, 2019

Are you the kind of person that wants to feel a sense of relief while in recovery?
 
This does not have to be difficult… There is something called “self-care” in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and all
Self-care is often left out because one may feel as if they don’t “deserve” it. Or maybe they feel they don’t need it…
 

But let me tell you, the topics I am going to cover today are vital to one staying fresh, alert, and able to pursue recovery in the way it requires.

This is a self-care acronym from the Pure Desire Conquer series that I really reinstated with. Its called “SEEDS” and Its something that has stuck with me ever since:
 
Social Contact
Exercise     
Education
Diet
Sleep
 
I will split each piece of the equation and give you the negative outcome if it is not taken seriously, and the positive if it is. I call the negative the “lacking habits” and the positive the “on track habits”
 
The Lacking Habits- How these work against you to keep you watching porn, masturbating, and letting emotions fester
 
  • Social Contact – When one ignores the connection, they welcome isolation. This becomes the breeding ground for shame, faulty core beliefs, and lies from the enemy. To lock your addiction inside is like locking an elephant in a smart car… It just won’t work out well. This route leads to further isolation, deeper addiction, and much worse consequences.

  • Education – They say you are what you read. Well, if you are not reading anything good and spending all day filling your mind with porn, then you are not heading in the best direction according to that saying… When you neglect to learn the steps to recovery, reading about others freedom, and finding things that motivate you to quit porn, it makes it nearly impossible to feel like you could actually quit one day.

  • Exercise – When you are, for lack of better words “lazy” your mind works differently. The feeling of guilt is very real when you know you “should be” working out but you don’t. Low confidence and a shrinking self-image are very common when we start to compare others who “look better” than we do. The laziness we treat our body with transfers to the laziness of the mind… No healthy dopamine, no healthy stress relief, and no healthy habit to take over for the porn and masturbation habit you do have…
     
  •  Diet – Yes, we could all imagine a comic of a Mom saying “You are what you eat” to her son who has turned into a candy bar with eyes… But, to look at this with a serious tone we need to understand that when we are hungry, tired, or feeling out of shape we are often very tempted… These 3, and several more feelings or emotions can be linked directly to how we fuel our bodies. If you are going to fill your body with garbage then you will have garbage results… and this goes much further than the old gym saying. I’m talking about life and death! Your marriage, your children, your dignity which are all on the line when you play with fire.
     
  • Sleep – Iv heard it and sadly iv believed it… “Entrepreneurs sleepless” or how about “You can sleep when you’re dead”. Sleep is an absolute integral part of any healing process, especially one of the mind! When we let our sleep dwindle to a mere 5 hours a night we are letting the enemy take ownership of our mind. We are going to be tempted with feelings of exhaustion that lead to compulsive behavior and the desire to isolate which leads to binge-watching porn and a further masturbation habit.
There is something called “self-care” in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and all
Self-care is often left out because one may feel as if they don’t “deserve” it. Or maybe they feel they don’t need it…
On Track Habits- How these work in your favor to help you quit porn and stop masturbating

 

  • Social Contact – “The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, its connection”. This quote is something that should radically change the way you see recovery. Connection with others is what will motivate, inspire, and convict you. To have peers going through recovery with you, and to have mentors who have walked the walk before is where you will want to get too. You are encouraged to get a core group of “battle buddies” and people you can trust with your life. The kind of people whom you know will help you through any trial you are facing. 

  • Education – “I never let school get in the way my education is a quote that I love! Maybe you have a pre conceded notion about learning that has kept you from engaging further, but let me tell you, to learn about how to recover will be a game changer for you. Read others stories of freedom, watch videos on how the brain changes from porn, and get inspired by tips on how to handle your temptations. With the internet and a Kindle app, the world of education is truly your oyster. 

  • Exercise – You know how it goes… You get back to working out and it feels so good; Physically, mentally, and emotionally! This comes from a healthy dopamine hit that your body craves, as well as from healthy circulation of blood flow in your brain. When you feel better about yourself you will be more willing to take a stand for what is right. When our mind is centred on a goal bigger than just “getting healthy” such as “feeding my body what it needs to live a pure life” we can see a change of heart that leads to a deeper desire to exercise. 

  • Diet  – Energy is necessary to quit porn… The greatest source of energy throughout the day is food. This is an internal and external truth that I believe needs a mindset switch. Similar to the “Exercise” goal, we need to start thinking thoughts like “I will say yes to my purity, my spouse, and my God” when you want to take the edge off with a cookie. Food feeds the mind, simple as that… When you feed the mind healthy foods, you are getting vitamins and nutrients that will help fuel you all the way to quitting porn and your masturbation habit. 

  • Sleep – When we sleep 7-8 hours a night we are giving our bodies time to regenerate the energy it takes to truly grow and change while still having the energy to other necessary things. Being ahead of the 8 ball in the morning will give you a much stronger conviction to stay pure another day. This is not only about sleep but also a healthy sleep routine to go with it. Included in this could be a bedtime breathing technique, bible reading, and meditation time. In the morning we should have something pre-planned that we are excited to do! Maybe this is a new breakfast recipe, a reading time, or a workout.
Now you have some great information to turn into inspiration. Let you mind be driven by a reason and a purpose and you will see yourself become who you truly want to be.

Are you the kind of person that wants to feel a sense of relief while in recovery?

 

Self Care Acronym: “SEEDS”

  • Social Contact
  • Exercise     
  • Education
  • Diet
  • Sleep

Related Articles

Why Is COVID-19 Causing You To Relapse?

Why Is COVID-19 Causing You To Relapse?

It’ s also vital to look at one’s past in the way they were raised, treated, communicated with, and cared for. There are so many factors that fly under the radar when asking the questions “Why can’t I quit porn” or “Why am I relapsing so much right now”

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it.

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media

3 Tips To Enjoy The Recovery Journey

3 Tips To Enjoy The Recovery Journey

3 Tips To Enjoy The Recovery Journey

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

August 14, 2019

When we begin to enjoy our journey it sparks a fire inside us that can drive us to truly live every day. It brings on a sense of joy, peace, excitement, and passion that helps us see every day as an opportunity rather than a challenge.
 
I love this quote as it rings so true: “Maturity happens when we choose to live in reality”.
 
What may be holding one back from enjoying the journey to quitting porn?
 
* No “why” – Lacking a strong desire and reason to quit
* Fear – Lacking a game plan and running blindly towards a goal
* Anxiety – Letting doubts overwhelm you
* Bad habits – Letting these dictate your actions 
* Bad Association – Being around bad influences
* Faulty Beliefs – Letting lies consume you
* Poor Health – Mind, spirit, and body
* Negative thoughts – Giving into your default
* No Communication – Keeping things to yourself
* Lack of support – Trying to fight this battle on your own
* No Game plan – Wandering into battle without prep
Here are 3 ways to start enjoying the journey to quitting porn:
1. Have a big reason “why”:
There is nothing more fun than pursuing something bigger than you… Anything that goes against the grain and against the path of least resistance will always take a strong reason! Some questions that may help you discover your “why”:
 
* Why would you quit porn for yourself?
* Why would you quit porn for someone else?
* Why does quitting porn matter to you?
* What will change when you are porn free directly and indirectly?
  
2. Have a Game Plan
If you want to feel confident in this fight then it is time to equip yourself! I see a lot of people walking in fear of relapsing because they don’t know how to combat the temptations when they come. To feel bullet proof in your day to day fight, do these:
* Write down what triggers you – Get very specific here (Places, situations, personalities, body parts, websites, smells, fetishes, memories, words, etc.) You can call this your “Trigger Template”
           
* Keep a log of your temptations when they come – Use your phone or have a pen and notepad handy so you can jot down some details of each situation. (Ex. “5:30 pm at the mall… Feeling tempted by the girl behind the till at the clothing store. I had a frustrating day and was seeking pleasure. She was blonde, tall, and had a nice perfume on)  
 
* Have a few people you can call – We call these “accountability partners”… Choose a few people who you trust, believe, and want to follow through for. If you communicate with them throughout your days you will notice greater confidence, attitude, and desire to stay pure.
 
Get some healthy habits in your life – What do you enjoy doing that lights you up with passion, energy, and a zest for life? Start putting more time into that! When we are doing what we are meant to do, we start to turn away from unhealthy habits. Have you ever started going to the gym and at the same time, had a stronger desire to eat healthy?
 
Have a plan of action – Planning ahead and being proactive with your triggers is vital to enjoying the journey to freedom. If you can be sure of yourself when temptation comes, you will set yourself up to limit the anxiety and fear of quitting… this alone creates an attitude that is free to enjoy your life much more. Some questions to ask yourself to start setting up a game-plan maybe – What will you do when it happens? Who can you call? Where can you go?

There is nothing more fun than pursuing something bigger than you… Anything that goes against the grain and against the path of least resistance will always take a strong reason! Some questions that may help you discover your “why”:

3. Get into community
Ted Roberts says “We get hurt in community and we get healed in the community”… Getting around people who are at the beginning of their journey, who are in the same fight as you, and who is totally free from porn is going to create a new sense of passion in you. This is going to give you a sense of life when you can relate to others, be encouraged, and ask for help. This is vital and one of the most important things to have in your life each and every week – You will start to crave the community as it is so life-giving, you won’t want to miss out!

Maturity happens when we choose to live in reality

What may be holding one back from enjoying the journey to quitting porn?

Browse More Articles

Why Is COVID-19 Causing You To Relapse?

Why Is COVID-19 Causing You To Relapse?

It’ s also vital to look at one’s past in the way they were raised, treated, communicated with, and cared for. There are so many factors that fly under the radar when asking the questions “Why can’t I quit porn” or “Why am I relapsing so much right now”

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

How I Rebuilt Trust In My Relationships

I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it.

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media