Why Porn Keeps Pulling You Back
Your porn struggle isn’t random.
There’s a reason you keep going back — and understanding the pattern changes everything.
Every single day, I have guys telling me, “I hate watching porn. The shame I feel afterwards is ruining me. I know it's sinful, so why do I keep going back?”
If you read that and nod along, it's understandable. This is where most guys are at when they’re trying to quit watching porn. They have the desire, because they hate what it does to them. However, they don't have the understanding of why they keep going back. This is what keeps good men in the porn relapse cycle, also known as the binge purge cycle.
If you’re frustrated, but ready to change. Stuck, but hopeful that theres a way. Then please continue reading. I love helping men in this place. Men who are doing their best to heal, but they come up short. Guys who are working really hard, but they’re burned out. Guys who keep asking “why do I keep watching porn” because they care. But each time, the answers they get come up short
I want to offer you a lens into the underbelly of your porn habit. There is a reason you watch it. There's a reason you keep going back. And there's a reason it feels more powerful than God's truth or healthy activities you could engage in. Lets remove the mystery and dive on in
Porn Isn't Random
Most guys think what they watch and why they watch it is nothing more than chance. Sadly, this is the mindset that keeps men bound. Because, believe it or not, porn is created by people who study the particular wounds and heart longings of their audience (more on this later)
Let's take Gary. Gary finds himself watching a particular genre of porn almost every time he engages in his addiction. Most guys would think it's because he’s horny, it's just what he clicked on, or that he just happens to like a certain type of body type. On the surface, these can feel accurate. They seem to offer a reason why one chooses to engage in a habit such as watching porn. However, there's much more beneath the surface, and it's the solution to this struggle.
To get more specific, Gary watches MILF pornography. The content he engages in is mostly focused around a man being pursued by an older, experienced and authoritative woman. Just this insight alone gives us a ton of data into why Gary may run to this type of porn over others. If he wants to start understanding the pattern to his addiction, he doesn't have to go very far. He can start with a few simple reflection questions to uncover whats really going on before he gives in (stay tuned for these). One of the best things about this simple step is that it removes a ton of shame almost instantly. In discovering the real reason you run to porn, you may feel some compassion for yourself. And when men feel compassion towards their struggles, something changes in them
What a Pattern Actually Is
With Gary, he realized that he was running to porn, particularly MILF porn, to escape an internal trigger. Like most men, Gary never learned about his inner world. He was always taught to avoid temptation, to run from it, like it was the plague. Sadly, this approach never works. It doesn't give guys the clarity they need to heal. When men don't understand the temptation - trigger dynamic, they will always stay stuck in the addiction cycle.
Temptations and Triggers
Temptation - A circumstance (people, environments, images, sounds, etc)
Trigger - What gets set off inside of you (emotions, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, voids)
Being aware of temptation is very important. We live in a world where we will be tempted. Jesus was tempted, so take heart, that's not something you will avoid. With that, I want you to shift your focus to becoming aware and intentional with your triggers. These are what you can have more control over. These are what you can strategically regulate and handle to get out this porn trigger cycle most guys get stuck in
So when you feel tempted, start asking yourself what's happening inside of you. Because a pattern is formed by your reaction to that trigger. Most guys have felt that trigger for their entire life. They have reacted the same way. And now, they have this porn habit they can't seem to break. That's why you keep going back.
The Addiction Cycle
Temptation - Trigger - Thought/Feeling - Action
There's a lot more that could be said about it, but this keeps it really simple. When guys don't understand what's behind their actions, they will never change. The action can not be changed by picking a different action, such as going to the gym instead of watching porn. You must break this addiction cycle by getting behind the scenes. By exploring your inner world and the things you have numbed with porn for a very long time.
To understand what's really beneath your porn habit, take the quiz
The Most Common Porn Patterns
I know it can be an uncomfortable topic to engage with. Exploring the types of porn that you find arousing. In the beginning, it's not my client's favorite conversation. However, by the end, it offers such powerful insights that guys see the outcome as worth the discomfort. And that's mainly because the conversation is about the symbolism of the pornography and the power it holds. Because everything holds some sort of power in a way that feels meaningful to you.
Take Gary and his porn genre of choice - MILF. This pattern begins for him when he wakes up alone in the morning (temptation). It has power because inside, Gary is feeling lonely, unwanted and unknown. He’s thinking “im not good enough”; and “nobody would want me, im too broken” (Trigger - feelings//thoughts). This is what fuels Gary’s day. Because he's not aware of any of this, he spends his time and energy numbing, avoiding and neglecting what matters. It doesn't start with porn. It starts with him skipping breakfast. Eating junk in the late morning. Drinking too much coffee. Isolating during lunch and doom scrolling. Canceling plans with his friends after dinner. So on and so forth. This is what leads Gary to watch porn. Specifically MILF porn. He's looking for something to numb how he feels, how he thinks, how he doesn't have what he deeply desires.
Follow my guide to understanding your Sexual Triggers
As Gary began to see what was really going on beneath the surface of his porn habit, he was shocked. He had no idea it could ever make sense. He had resorted to the idea that he was a pervert and had to live a life of harsh discipline. Sadly, this is where most guys camp. They have been taught to think this way about their addiction and the porn they watch. I want to tell you very directly that you can have these same breakthroughs like Gary. You can make sense of your patterns behind the porn you watch.
What's beneath the Pattern
There's an overarching thesis I hold as to why porn addiction happens. I believe it's because we all have hungry hearts. In proverbs 4:23 it says that all the things you do flow from the heart. Looking at the addiction cycle again,
Temptation - Trigger - Thought/Feeling - Action
We can actually take what this scripture is saying, and use it to make this cycle easier to cut off. Because if the heart is the source of what you do or don't do in your life, then we can create a greater focus to enhance your strategy. This focus becomes your hungry heart
Here's how I want you to see the addiction cycle from now on:
Hungry Heart - Temptation - Trigger - Thought/Feeling - Action
Because if your heart is hungry, you will be more easily tempted. You will experience triggers on a grander scale. You will agree with your negative thoughts and give into your difficult feelings. And boom, this is where guys find themselves watching porn and engaging with a particular genre they have never understood.
With this hungry heart idea, I want you to consider your stomach. The stomach is constantly hungry. You would never eat breakfast and then assume you’ll be fine for a week. However, we do that with our hearts constantly. The kicker with your heart is that you have been turning down the volumes of its cries since you were young. Every time you had to choose suppression over expression; Self reliance over being helped; or self comfort over being soothed, you became further removed from hearing your heart when it's hungry. You created a greater resolve to stay busy and avoid feeling your heart hunger, because you likely realized it rarely gets met.
This is why porn addiction happens. Boys, teens, and young men have longings. These are often to be known, wanted, seen, heard, significant, supported, led, validated, affirmed, safe, secure, re-assured. These are things the heart of man longs for. From God, from others, and from ourselves. This is the food for the heart. Jesus said that He is the bread of life. I think this parallels so well here. What kind of “bread” do you long for? What kind of “bread” are you hungry for?
What happens when you hunger to be pursued, wanted, and seen, but have never learned how to get those met in healthy ways? You escape with MILF porn
What happens when you hunger to be strong, powerful and significant, but have never learned how to get those met in healthy ways? You escape with some form of dominance porn
I could go on and on. The core of what I'm getting at here is that you have a reason for your porn habit. There's a reason for your addiction cycle. And so much of it has nothing to do with sex or being horny. It has everything to do with your emotional, spiritual and relational awareness and well being
Learn to be enhance your awareness and well being
Why You stay Stuck
As I said, men every week ask me “why can't I quit porn” or “why do I keep going back to porn?”
I hope you can now see why. There's a lack of understanding. And that lack of understanding is driving shame. If you can cling onto this idea of getting clear on what the real problem is, you will get unstuck. And again, it's because you will have started to offer yourself some compassion. And man, it feels so good when we learn to do that. It really is the breeding ground for change. Remember, Paul wrote that it's the love of God that draws us to repent (change). And that's very good news!
So if you’re going to continue focusing on your temptations and doing everything you can to avoid them, you’ll stay stuck
If you’re going to focus on only changing your actions and nothing underneath the, you’re going to stay stuck
Even this, if you only focus on your feelings and thoughts, but miss the heart hunger, you will stay stuck
You must see that your hungry heart is the source of all of your challenges. And a well fed heart is the source to your well being.
Learn more about why porn will never satisfy (because you have a hungry heart)
The message I want to convey to any man who feel stuck is this - If you can slow down, focus your attention, get clear and work smart, you will experience greater results than any amount of hard work can offer
Guys stay stuck because they don't get clear on what's beneath their addiction cycle, their porn patterns and their internal triggers. It's never because they don't have what it takes. You can do this man, I believe in you. I've seen far too many success stories to believe you would be any different.
And hey, if you’re feeling this internal battle. Part of you is ready to do this work and go all in. But part of you is clinging onto fear. I get it. This is why I created this quiz, to help guys better understand their struggle, learn from me and my years of experience and then have the chance to hop on a call and see if working together makes sense. Go ahead and do the quiz, that will be an awesome starting point to ensure you get clarity of what your heart is really hungry for.
How To Start Seeing Your Patterns
Gary had started to do some really insightful reflections. These were a game changer for him. Mainly because he started where you may be. Feeling stuck, doubtful, burned out. But because he shifted to working smart, he regained hope. And that bled into him starting to feel confident. And when men feel confident during their porn recovery, man oh man, they make huge strides.
So here's what Gary started to do,
Every morning, he journalled:
- What is my heart hungry for?
- What am I feeling inside?
- What am I thinking about?
- What may keep me from feeding my heart today?
- What does God say about helping people like me?
Every afternoon, he would check in once with himself. The check in would be this:
- Is my heart feeling full or hungry?
- What is it full of/hungry for?
- If its hungry: What can I do to feed my heart right now?
Every evening, ideally after dinner, he did the same check in
- Is my heart feeling full or hungry?
- What is it full of/hungry for?
- If its hungry: What can I do to feed my heart right now?
Before bed, he did a reflection and a declaration
- What is my heart hungry for?
- What does God say about helping people like me?
- “Porn will never offer me what my heart is hungry for. I may not feel completely full right now, but I know thats because im just now learning how to fill my heart in healthy ways. I am choosing to cling to Christ, not porn, because only in Christ can this longing for ___ get met”
After a relapse
- What was my heart hungry for?
- What was I feeling when I got tempted and triggered?
- What was I thinking when I gave into watching porn?
- What could I have done to meet that heart hunger instead of relapsing with porn?
Learn what to do with your reflection insights
Once Gary started to gather real data from his days, low moments, temptations, triggers and relapses, he saw the patterns that actually helped him heal. He was no longer fixated on the surface issues. He was able to see the consistent heart hungers and what flowed from them. He started to feel the conviction that these really matter and that watching porn and masturbating would never ever satisfy his heart's hunger.
Now there are many ways one can do this. The principal is data extraction. You need to extract the best data from your life to understand what's going on. If you chase feelings, you will come up short. If you only define the things that flow from the source, you will come up short. Please ensure that you’re getting into your heart hunger and focusing on how God, others and your own interests can feed your heart with what it's looking for.
From Pattern to Change
I'll leave you with something to hold onto. Every discomfort or challenge you face is an opportunity to see what you can change. What you can work on. Where you can grow. This shift in your mentality and focus has the potential to change everything in your life, far beyond just quitting porn and stopping this addiction cycle. This works because everything reveals what your heart is hungry for. Everything in your life becomes a data point for pausing and recalibrating if you’re starting to starve. Or a moment to pause and rejoice that your heart is full and you actually know why!
Its special to watch guys change their patterns from this inside out approach. To watch them go from reactive to their hungry heart to proactively filling their hearts. To go from chaotic in their porn recovery to strategic and confident. And who would have thought, it begins by asking, “what type of porn do you watch and why?”
As you start to take all of this to heart. Taking deeper and deeper, you will begin to develop new patterns and habits. The kind that leave you feeling fulfilled, content, joyful, and most of all, connected to Jesus and His people. This is at the heart of real healing from a life of consuming porn.
Conclusion
Your porn habit is not random. The porn you view is not random. And the reason you keep going back, even though you want to quit, is not random. This is at the core of what I want guys to know when I'm speaking to them. I hope this article leaves you feeling hopeful, encouraged and understood.
Now, go get practical! You have some really helpful tools to work with here. Get started now while it's fresh and on your mind. Start reflecting, grow in your awareness and make the commitment to pursue things that fill your heart's hunger. You wont regret it.
If this seems like a concept that you grasp intellectually, but you have a barrier you cannot seem to overcome. This is common. This is actually why I work with guys in 1:1 settings. To really hone in on your unique story and create a tailored journey for you to follow.
If you’re seriously considering 1:1 coaching, I would like to offer you a complimentary call to see how I can help. This is the best way for you to get clear on your heart hunger and your best next steps. I have a proven method thats helped hundreds of men get over these same challenges
