Understanding My Wife’s Pain & How to Rebuild Trust After Porn Addiction
Written by Shawn Bonneteau
September 29, 2022
Are there some people in your life that you have really hurt by what you have done because of your porn addiction? Do you want to get to the bottom of understanding your wife’s pain through my experience?
Are you feeling like you let your spouse down? God down? and even yourself down?
Well, I was there and I can relate if you are in that spot right now. I know the feeling and it can be devastating…
For me, It was a deep shame that I had let my Wife down and had also led her into a world of future pain. To know that this affected my Wife, my God, and myself was something I was finally not ok with… The crazy thing about it is the small steps proved to be the greatest of steps.
I spent so many years trying to quit porn, to then relapse with even more porn, to then try new strategies to quit porn and rebuilding trust all over again, to then only have them fail and bring me back to the start. This cycle had me so frustrated!
Have you ever been in this cycle? It sucks!
So I started to change my heart and mind towards quitting porn and rebuilding trust. I realized this was a battle that had more to do with my heart and my beliefs than my behaviors.
Let’s look at what it took from the perspective of the heart… aka, the Limbic System*
Understanding My Wife’s Pain
* I gave her reasons to trust me – I know it would be hard to deal with… A spouse that is freaking out because they now know the deep dark truth. I was blessed to have a supportive Wife but things I did and would absolutely recommend would be to take ownership and realize that if she is angry, sad, or avoiding, she has every right to do so. This shouldn’t stop you from showing her/him you are committed! I personally started reading, joining groups, seeking the Lord, and showing her my love and was blessed with a positive response in rebuilding trust.
* I realized that feelings follow actions – When she was angry, sad, or avoiding me, I decided to put into practice one challenging quote I had heard before “Feelings follow actions”. So what does that mean? It means that I would be kind, I would help, I would love, I would do whatever my emotions didn’t really want to do… Amazingly, I always felt better and I know it was vital in her to see me truly change and rebuilding trust.
*Learn why betrayal can cause trauma – healthline.com
How to start rebuilding trust after pornography addiction
* I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it. I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be… but man oh man is it ever rewarding!
* I started to see what porn was doing to my life as a whole – To see from a bird’s eye view the damage that porn had done in my life… My marriage, self-image, confidence, relationships, views, lies, wounds, and so on and so on, was terrifying. To think as a young punk that porn is fun and would one day be unnecessary and replaced by sex is a lie! I began to journal, read, reflect, ask questions, and speak to myself with positive self-talk while getting help from Secret Habit. These all made me even more aware of how deeply I was wounded.
There is something called “self-care” in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and allSelf-care is often left out because one may feel as if they don’t “deserve” it. Or maybe they feel they don’t need it…
How did I rely on God?
* “I don’t want to mess up and miss out on Gods blessings”– I started thinking about how much He wanted to bless me. But like any good Father, you don’t enable your Kid’s by supplying them the best of the best if they disobey with complete knowledge of what they are doing!
* “He has already forgiven me, He must really love me” – Since turning 22 and turning my life over to Christ I really didn’t understand this forgiveness thing… It took me up until getting free from porn to start feeling an overwhelming sense of gratefulness that started to, in the healthiest way, consume me. I was bubbly, joyful and full of life every time I thought about the work Christ did and was doing in me and it’s still an ongoing work He has done with me
Everyone has a different story but I truly believe these can be put into practice by anyone!
Please realize this is not impossible to overcome if you have the right guidance. You can lear more about how I can help you and navigate you right here: Porn Addiction Coach
-Take ownership today for your struggle
-Start taking the small steps right now to rebuild relationships
-You don’t have to do this alone
“
I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it. I needed to quit pornography and become compassionate and curious to understand my wife’s pain.
I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be… but man oh man is it ever rewarding!