Are there some people in your life that you have really hurt by what you have done because of your porn addiction? Do you want to get to the bottom of understanding your wife’s pain through my experience?
Are you feeling like you let your spouse down? God down? and even yourself down?
Well, I was there and I can relate if you are in that spot right now. I know the feeling and it can be devastating…
For me, It was a deep shame that I had let my Wife down and had also led her into a world of future pain. To know that this affected my Wife, my God, and myself was something I was finally not ok with… The crazy thing about it is the small steps proved to be the greatest of steps.
I spent so many years trying to quit porn, to then relapse with even more porn, to then try new strategies to quit porn and rebuilding trust all over again, to then only have them fail and bring me back to the start. This cycle had me so frustrated!
Have you ever been in this cycle? It sucks!
So I started to change my heart and mind towards quitting porn and rebuilding trust. I realized this was a battle that had more to do with my heart and my beliefs than my behaviors.
Let’s look at what it took from the perspective of the heart… aka, the Limbic System*
Understanding My Wife’s Pain
* I gave her reasons to trust me – I know it would be hard to deal with… A spouse that is freaking out because they now know the deep dark truth. I was blessed to have a supportive Wife but things I did and would absolutely recommend would be to take ownership and realize that if she is angry, sad, or avoiding, she has every right to do so. This shouldn’t stop you from showing her/him you are committed! I personally started reading, joining groups, seeking the Lord, and showing her my love and was blessed with a positive response in rebuilding trust.
* I realized that feelings follow actions – When she was angry, sad, or avoiding me, I decided to put into practice one challenging quote I had heard before “Feelings follow actions”. So what does that mean? It means that I would be kind, I would help, I would love, I would do whatever my emotions didn’t really want to do… Amazingly, I always felt better and I know it was vital in her to see me truly change and rebuilding trust
How to start rebuilding trust after pornography addiction
* I stopped making excuses – I knew I had messed up… Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it. I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be… but man oh man is it ever rewarding!
* I started to see what porn was doing to my life as a whole – To see from a bird’s eye view the damage that porn had done in my life… My marriage, self-image, confidence, relationships, views, lies, wounds, and so on and so on, was terrifying. To think as a young punk that porn is fun and would one day be unnecessary and replaced by sex is a lie! I began to journal, read, reflect, ask questions, and speak to myself with positive self-talk while getting help from Secret Habit. These all made me even more aware of how deeply I was wounded.