My Girlfriend Caught Me Watching Porn… What Do I Do?
Written by Shawn Bonneteau
August 14, 2019
Are you dating a girl that you love but are worried that your porn addiction will ruin the relationship? Do you want to quit porn but feel overwhelmed with how?
Are you married? Click here: My wife caught me watching porn… What do I do?
Dating can be a thrilling time. Full of new emotions, desires and joy… However, having porn enter the picture can be so painful. If thats where you’re at right now, then you may be feeling the shame and guilt that can ensue. Being addicted to porn while in a relationship can bring up all sorts of fears, pressures and assumptions, making it impossible to really grow the relationship. If you have been caught watching porn by your girlfriend then its time to learn what it takes to quit porn, rebuild trust and find freedom. Let me give you some context and a few things that we believe will help you do that.
What porn addiction is doing to your relationship behind the scenes:
What porn addiction is doing to you – You may find that your expectations towards what your partner “should do” have become skewed. The way that you see people, and also act around them will change as you progress with porn. This all comes from a corruption of the heart and mind – you start to see the world through the lens of a porno film… Unfortunately, porn is not an isolated problem. It truly affects everything about you. It harms your brain, corrupts your mind, and hinders your body.
What porn addiction is doing to her – In this society, most of us know porn is a struggle that could be in any relationship. When there is an addiction that gets found out, it takes your girlfriend on an emotional roller coaster. It creates insecurity, a lack of trust, and a feeling of disrespect. This is why honesty before and in dating is so important. The really sad part is that she will likely blame herself for not being “good enough” and that is the reality of how corrosive porn is. When a woman is blindsided by her partner’s porn addiction, she realizes that she is in a relationship with someone she doesn’t truly know. This for a woman is devastating and often leads to her putting up walls and guarding parts of her that are intimate and precious. When this happens, the relationship suffers and this quote becomes so real, “Where secrets are present, intimacy is absent”.
What porn addiction is doing to your relationship right now – An intimacy disorder forms when you’re addicted to porn. Meaning that you do not know how to appropriately experience intimacy and attachment without sexualizing it or becoming co-dependent. The reality is, relationships are built on intimacy, trust, and safety. All 3 of these are harmed and hindered by your struggles with porn and thats tragic. Women are especially sensitive to emotional connection and for that to be hindered due to an addiction to porn is something to be very mindful of. Your relationship CANNOT thrive without the fundamental building blocks and porn simply does not allow those to develop.
What porn addiction will do to your relationship in the future – The future of a relationship is rather bleak when a porn addiction is discovered. Not to say that things can’t change… that’s my story, and I am so grateful for it! When I see it’s “bleak” what I mean is that even if you guys stay together, if things don’t change, the “bleakness” will be in the form of a relationship that is stagnant and stuck in survival mode. The future doesnt hold much hope or joy to be had when theres no signs of change. Ultimately, porn will rob you of sexual intimacy, emotional connection and physical closeness… 3 things that really make a relationship exciting and unified.
Being addicted to porn while in a relationship can bring up all sorts of fears, pressures and assumptions, making it impossible to really grow the relationship.
Now that you know the harms of porn addiction in your dating relationship, here are 4 things you can do:
1. Realize you are not alone when struggling with porn – Trust yourself and others and start to believe that your story is no different from anyone else’s… If someone has victory over porn and has a great relationship, know that you can too. Take me for an example! I was addicted for 14 years, brought porn into my dating relationship and marriage, and now have 5 years of freedom under my belt and dedicate my life to offering hope to men just like you.
If you want to find support from other guys who are going through porn addiction recovery or from those who have overcame what you’re going through, read about my recovery community here and consider joining!
2. Realize forgiveness is available and needed – Forgive yourself. The past is the past and the future is unwritten. God offers forgiveness to those who are ready to humble themselves. You are a man who has turned down the wrong road but you are not too far gone. Anyone who has recovered was once where you are right now, don’t forget that.
We have Jesus as our once and for all payment for past, present, and future sins. This is not an excuse to keep on sinning, but a beautiful reality that you are not condemned for your struggles… you’re loved by god and its from this love you can make better choices for the good of your relationship.
3. You need to talk to someone about your struggles with porn – Trust and safety are vital when opening up to someone about your struggles with porn. An important step for you will be to open up to someone about your addiction… you may do this through a friend, a family member, a recovery group, or a trusted professional. Something happens inside of you when you begin to share about your struggles… vulnerability opens the door to feeling loved and when we feel loved, we no longer crave that validation from places like porn and masturbation. I so want you to experience how awesome it feels to be met with love after sharing something deep and heavy.
If you want to get around other guys who are just like you, on a journey of healing from their porn addiction, then JOIN the free Secret Habit recovery community.
4. Take action on your porn addiction recovery and pursue healing – You need to take ownership of your addiction and realize that it wont heal on its own… To truly experience freedom, you need to learn the ins and outs of deep healing through a coach or other professional who is studied in the area of sexual addiction. Sure, you can read books, listen to podcasts and watch videos, but it’s not until you learn how to reveal and heal the deep roots that you will experience the deep healing you need. I am a huge advocate for helping men take ownership of their struggle, learn the art of offering compassion to the boy inside of them that was hurt and became addicted, then lead himself into truth and healing. These recovery steps are crucial for those who want to experience FREEDOM from porn and so much more.
Learn more about how we can help become confident, healthy, and free through our porn recovery coaching: Porn Addiction Help
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I was addicted for 14 years, brought porn into my dating relationship and marriage, and now have 5 years of freedom under my belt”
I was addicted for 14 years, brought porn into my dating relationship and marriage, and now have 5 years of freedom under my belt and dedicate my life to offering hope to men just like you.