Your porn struggle isn’t random. There’s a reason you keep going back — and understanding the pattern changes everything.
Every single day, I have guys telling me, “I hate watching porn. The shame I feel afterwards is ruining me. I know it's sinful, so why do I keep going back?”
If you read that and nod along, it's understandable. This is where most guys are at when they’re trying to quit watching porn. They have the desire, because they hate what it does to them. However, they don't have the understanding of why they keep going back. This is what keeps good men in the porn relapse cycle, also known as the binge purge cycle.
If you’re frustrated, but ready to change. Stuck, but hopeful that theres a way. Then please continue reading. I love helping men in this place. Men who are doing their best to heal, but they come up short. Guys who are working really hard, but they’re burned out. Guys who keep asking “why do I keep watching porn” because they care. But each time, the answers they get come up short
I want to offer you a lens into the underbelly of your porn habit. There is a reason you watch it. There's a reason you keep going back. And there's a reason it feels more powerful than God's truth or healthy activities you could engage in. Lets remove the mystery and dive on in
Porn Isn't Random
Most guys think what they watch and why they watch it is nothing more than chance. Sadly, this is the mindset that keeps men bound. Because, believe it or not, porn is created by people who study the particular wounds and heart longings of their audience (more on this later)
Let's take Gary. Gary finds himself watching a particular genre of porn almost every time he engages in his addiction. Most guys would think it's because he’s horny, it's just what he clicked on, or that he just happens to like a certain type of body type. On the surface, these can feel accurate. They seem to offer a reason why one chooses to engage in a habit such as watching porn. However, there's much more beneath the surface, and it's the solution to this struggle.
To get more specific, Gary watches MILF pornography. The content he engages in is mostly focused around a man being pursued by an older, experienced and authoritative woman. Just this insight alone gives us a ton of data into why Gary may run to this type of porn over others. If he wants to start understanding the pattern to his addiction, he doesn't have to go very far. He can start with a few simple reflection questions to uncover whats really going on before he gives in (stay tuned for these). One of the best things about this simple step is that it removes a ton of shame almost instantly. In discovering the real reason you run to porn, you may feel some compassion for yourself. And when men feel compassion towards their struggles, something changes in them
What a Pattern Actually Is
With Gary, he realized that he was running to porn, particularly MILF porn, to escape an internal trigger. Like most men, Gary never learned about his inner world. He was always taught to avoid temptation, to run from it, like it was the plague. Sadly, this approach never works. It doesn't give guys the clarity they need to heal. When men don't understand the temptation - trigger dynamic, they will always stay stuck in the addiction cycle.
Temptations and Triggers
Temptation - A circumstance (people, environments, images, sounds, etc)
Trigger - What gets set off inside of you (emotions, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, voids)
Being aware of temptation is very important. We live in a world where we will be tempted. Jesus was tempted, so take heart, that's not something you will avoid. With that, I want you to shift your focus to becoming aware and intentional with your triggers. These are what you can have more control over. These are what you can strategically regulate and handle to get out this porn trigger cycle most guys get stuck in
So when you feel tempted, start asking yourself what's happening inside of you. Because a pattern is formed by your reaction to that trigger. Most guys have felt that trigger for their entire life. They have reacted the same way. And now, they have this porn habit they can't seem to break. That's why you keep going back.
The Addiction Cycle
Temptation - Trigger - Thought/Feeling - Action
There's a lot more that could be said about it, but this keeps it really simple. When guys don't understand what's behind their actions, they will never change. The action can not be changed by picking a different action, such as going to the gym instead of watching porn. You must break this addiction cycle by getting behind the scenes. By exploring your inner world and the things you have numbed with porn for a very long time.
I know it can be an uncomfortable topic to engage with. Exploring the types of porn that you find arousing. In the beginning, it's not my client's favorite conversation. However, by the end, it offers such powerful insights that guys see the outcome as worth the discomfort. And that's mainly because the conversation is about the symbolism of the pornography and the power it holds. Because everything holds some sort of power in a way that feels meaningful to you.
Take Gary and his porn genre of choice - MILF. This pattern begins for him when he wakes up alone in the morning (temptation). It has power because inside, Gary is feeling lonely, unwanted and unknown. He’s thinking “im not good enough”; and “nobody would want me, im too broken” (Trigger - feelings//thoughts). This is what fuels Gary’s day. Because he's not aware of any of this, he spends his time and energy numbing, avoiding and neglecting what matters. It doesn't start with porn. It starts with him skipping breakfast. Eating junk in the late morning. Drinking too much coffee. Isolating during lunch and doom scrolling. Canceling plans with his friends after dinner. So on and so forth. This is what leads Gary to watch porn. Specifically MILF porn. He's looking for something to numb how he feels, how he thinks, how he doesn't have what he deeply desires.
As Gary began to see what was really going on beneath the surface of his porn habit, he was shocked. He had no idea it could ever make sense. He had resorted to the idea that he was a pervert and had to live a life of harsh discipline. Sadly, this is where most guys camp. They have been taught to think this way about their addiction and the porn they watch. I want to tell you very directly that you can have these same breakthroughs like Gary. You can make sense of your patterns behind the porn you watch.
What's beneath the Pattern
There's an overarching thesis I hold as to why porn addiction happens. I believe it's because we all have hungry hearts. In proverbs 4:23 it says that all the things you do flow from the heart. Looking at the addiction cycle again,
Temptation - Trigger - Thought/Feeling - Action
We can actually take what this scripture is saying, and use it to make this cycle easier to cut off. Because if the heart is the source of what you do or don't do in your life, then we can create a greater focus to enhance your strategy. This focus becomes your hungry heart
Here's how I want you to see the addiction cycle from now on:
Because if your heart is hungry, you will be more easily tempted. You will experience triggers on a grander scale. You will agree with your negative thoughts and give into your difficult feelings. And boom, this is where guys find themselves watching porn and engaging with a particular genre they have never understood.
With this hungry heart idea, I want you to consider your stomach. The stomach is constantly hungry. You would never eat breakfast and then assume you’ll be fine for a week. However, we do that with our hearts constantly. The kicker with your heart is that you have been turning down the volumes of its cries since you were young. Every time you had to choose suppression over expression; Self reliance over being helped; or self comfort over being soothed, you became further removed from hearing your heart when it's hungry. You created a greater resolve to stay busy and avoid feeling your heart hunger, because you likely realized it rarely gets met.
This is why porn addiction happens. Boys, teens, and young men have longings. These are often to be known, wanted, seen, heard, significant, supported, led, validated, affirmed, safe, secure, re-assured. These are things the heart of man longs for. From God, from others, and from ourselves. This is the food for the heart. Jesus said that He is the bread of life. I think this parallels so well here. What kind of “bread” do you long for? What kind of “bread” are you hungry for?
What happens when you hunger to be pursued, wanted, and seen, but have never learned how to get those met in healthy ways? You escape with MILF porn
What happens when you hunger to be strong, powerful and significant, but have never learned how to get those met in healthy ways? You escape with some form of dominance porn
I could go on and on. The core of what I'm getting at here is that you have a reason for your porn habit. There's a reason for your addiction cycle. And so much of it has nothing to do with sex or being horny. It has everything to do with your emotional, spiritual and relational awareness and well being
As I said, men every week ask me “why can't I quit porn” or “why do I keep going back to porn?”
I hope you can now see why. There's a lack of understanding. And that lack of understanding is driving shame. If you can cling onto this idea of getting clear on what the real problem is, you will get unstuck. And again, it's because you will have started to offer yourself some compassion. And man, it feels so good when we learn to do that. It really is the breeding ground for change. Remember, Paul wrote that it's the love of God that draws us to repent (change). And that's very good news!
So if you’re going to continue focusing on your temptations and doing everything you can to avoid them, you’ll stay stuck
If you’re going to focus on only changing your actions and nothing underneath the, you’re going to stay stuck
Even this, if you only focus on your feelings and thoughts, but miss the heart hunger, you will stay stuck
You must see that your hungry heart is the source of all of your challenges. And a well fed heart is the source to your well being.
The message I want to convey to any man who feel stuck is this - If you can slow down, focus your attention, get clear and work smart, you will experience greater results than any amount of hard work can offer
Guys stay stuck because they don't get clear on what's beneath their addiction cycle, their porn patterns and their internal triggers. It's never because they don't have what it takes. You can do this man, I believe in you. I've seen far too many success stories to believe you would be any different. And hey, if you’re feeling this internal battle. Part of you is ready to do this work and go all in. But part of you is clinging onto fear. I get it. This is why I created this quiz, to help guys better understand their struggle, learn from me and my years of experience and then have the chance to hop on a call and see if working together makes sense. Go ahead and do the quiz, that will be an awesome starting point to ensure you get clarity of what your heart is really hungry for.
How To Start Seeing Your Patterns
Gary had started to do some really insightful reflections. These were a game changer for him. Mainly because he started where you may be. Feeling stuck, doubtful, burned out. But because he shifted to working smart, he regained hope. And that bled into him starting to feel confident. And when men feel confident during their porn recovery, man oh man, they make huge strides.
So here's what Gary started to do,
Every morning, he journalled:
What is my heart hungry for?
What am I feeling inside?
What am I thinking about?
What may keep me from feeding my heart today?
What does God say about helping people like me?
Every afternoon, he would check in once with himself. The check in would be this:
Is my heart feeling full or hungry?
What is it full of/hungry for?
If its hungry: What can I do to feed my heart right now?
Every evening, ideally after dinner, he did the same check in
Is my heart feeling full or hungry?
What is it full of/hungry for?
If its hungry: What can I do to feed my heart right now?
Before bed, he did a reflection and a declaration
What is my heart hungry for?
What does God say about helping people like me?
“Porn will never offer me what my heart is hungry for. I may not feel completely full right now, but I know thats because im just now learning how to fill my heart in healthy ways. I am choosing to cling to Christ, not porn, because only in Christ can this longing for ___ get met”
After a relapse
What was my heart hungry for?
What was I feeling when I got tempted and triggered?
What was I thinking when I gave into watching porn?
What could I have done to meet that heart hunger instead of relapsing with porn?
Once Gary started to gather real data from his days, low moments, temptations, triggers and relapses, he saw the patterns that actually helped him heal. He was no longer fixated on the surface issues. He was able to see the consistent heart hungers and what flowed from them. He started to feel the conviction that these really matter and that watching porn and masturbating would never ever satisfy his heart's hunger.
Now there are many ways one can do this. The principal is data extraction. You need to extract the best data from your life to understand what's going on. If you chase feelings, you will come up short. If you only define the things that flow from the source, you will come up short. Please ensure that you’re getting into your heart hunger and focusing on how God, others and your own interests can feed your heart with what it's looking for.
From Pattern to Change
I'll leave you with something to hold onto. Every discomfort or challenge you face is an opportunity to see what you can change. What you can work on. Where you can grow. This shift in your mentality and focus has the potential to change everything in your life, far beyond just quitting porn and stopping this addiction cycle. This works because everything reveals what your heart is hungry for. Everything in your life becomes a data point for pausing and recalibrating if you’re starting to starve. Or a moment to pause and rejoice that your heart is full and you actually know why!
Its special to watch guys change their patterns from this inside out approach. To watch them go from reactive to their hungry heart to proactively filling their hearts. To go from chaotic in their porn recovery to strategic and confident. And who would have thought, it begins by asking, “what type of porn do you watch and why?”
As you start to take all of this to heart. Taking deeper and deeper, you will begin to develop new patterns and habits. The kind that leave you feeling fulfilled, content, joyful, and most of all, connected to Jesus and His people. This is at the heart of real healing from a life of consuming porn.
Your porn habit is not random. The porn you view is not random. And the reason you keep going back, even though you want to quit, is not random. This is at the core of what I want guys to know when I'm speaking to them. I hope this article leaves you feeling hopeful, encouraged and understood.
Now, go get practical! You have some really helpful tools to work with here. Get started now while it's fresh and on your mind. Start reflecting, grow in your awareness and make the commitment to pursue things that fill your heart's hunger. You wont regret it.
If this seems like a concept that you grasp intellectually, but you have a barrier you cannot seem to overcome. This is common. This is actually why I work with guys in 1:1 settings. To really hone in on your unique story and create a tailored journey for you to follow.
If you’re seriously considering 1:1 coaching, I would like to offer you a complimentary call to see how I can help. This is the best way for you to get clear on your heart hunger and your best next steps. I have a proven method thats helped hundreds of men get over these same challenges
What to do and not do when dating someone addicted to porn
Getting into a relationship only to find out that he struggles with porn can be devastating. On one hand, you want to assume the best, support him and be strong… but on the other hand, you feel angry, confused, and hurt. This is a real tension point for any relationship, be it dating, engaged, or married… they all suffer when pornography addiction is discovered or disclosed. The good news is that the suffering doesn't have to be a life sentence or a reason to call it quits.
My wife knows firsthand what it's like to date and marry someone who is addicted to porn and lying on a daily basis. She knows full well what was helpful and was not helpful during my recovery and in this article, I am going to unpack some of the insights from our podcast episode so you can learn how to help your partner with porn addiction in ways that are healthy and helpful.
PS - This episode and article came from an awesome question we got from a listener, check it out
“My boyfriend told me a few weeks ago that he struggles with pornography and in the midst of processing that I’m also trying to understand what my role is in his healing and how I can be supportive and encouraging while still maintaining an appropriate relationship given that we’re not married. I know walking through an addiction together can be painful and can also bring couples to a really deep level of intimacy because it’s such a personal issue, and I want to be wise about how emotionally intimate we become at this point in our relationship”
3 ways to help your partner with porn addiction
Have a Standard With Grace (Truth & Grace)
Having a standard is really important. It means you have values that are non-negotiables in your life. When these are rooted in Jesus and the Bible, it's fair to say that you have decided that obedience to God's will is more important than anything else. When this rules your life, you will naturally set up boundaries to protect what you hold dear. Anyone that oversteps or breaks your boundary will have to suffer a consequence. That may sound harsh, but that's how discipline works!
However, this is why we want to have a standard WITH grace. Grace says that you’re loved and imperfect and yes, you may at times make a mistake, but I am looking at the heart. When trying to help your partner with porn addiction, it's really important to set up your boundaries and make them very clear, but it's also important to ensure you’re looking at his heart just as much as his performance. This is a beautiful combination of Truth and Grace.
It's casting a vision, creating a path for him to talk down and communicate consequences, but it's also reassurance that he is loved if his heart is in the right place and he is humble and willing when he makes mistakes. There's a great book by John Eldridge called “wild at heart” which talks about men wanting beauty to rescue and a battle to fight. This is what you can stir up inside of him! Help him see that there is a fight worth winning and a beauty who desperately wants him to win.
When you’re dealing with a partner who is addicted to porn, it's really important that you don't get caught up in his recovery. You are his girlfriend, fiance, or spouse, NOT his coach, accountability partner, or support system. It will be crucial that you keep your focus on the relationship you two have together and the relationship you two have with Jesus. This will prove much more important.
This only works if he is in recovery with people that can help him. This may be a coach, therapist, or a recovery group
CAVEAT: This only works if he is in recovery with people that can help him. This may be a coach, therapist, or a recovery group. He must be involved in recovery for you to be able to solely focus on the emotional intimacy. If he is not, you will wonder where he's at, and lose trust and desire to be more involved in his recovery. Not to say you don't get updates, but you don't need to play a role you’re not called to play.
If you are looking for some extra tips and resources on how to stop porn addiction while dating one of the best things you can do to help your partner with porn addiction is to really nail down your values, help him understand them and then stick to them at all times. He will show his level of willingness and respect towards you based on how he upholds your values.
3. Really Get To Know One Another & Seek Professional Porn Addiction Help
We have a mantra we love to live by… not because it's easy, but because it's TRUE. “You must be fully known to be fully loved”. This quote gives us insight into how important vulnerability is in recovery. You need to know a heck of a lot more than just “my partner is addicted to porn”. You need to know his story, his aches, and pains, his deepest longings. This is what we call “story healing” and it is often done in a “full disclosure” process.
Knowing your partner's story, and afterward, ideally, both of you know each other's stories, brings such a deep empathy, understanding, and curiosity to your relationship. When I work with men and help them write their stories I get them to write it so it can be read to their partner. They go all the way back to as far as they can remember and begin writing down all the ways they were influenced, programmed, and hurt growing up which caused them to believe, think and do things that go against God's will. Doing this really opens the eyes of both partners… it helps them see that this addiction to porn is about so much more than porn or sex. It actually has nothing to do with porn, sex, being horny or perversion. It has everything to do with pain, numbing, and safety.and discloses the need for inner child healing.
When things like this begin to be known and understood, your relationship will have such a wonderful opportunity to grow. You will begin talking about the deeper things at hand and feel as if you can truly help your partner with porn addiction. This is where you will be able to develop emotional intimacy. Learning about each other's pains, fears and regrets is the doorway to deeper love between one another.
In conclusion, how to stop porn addiction in a dating relationship?
When you come to the reality that helping another with porn addiction may look radically different than you anticipated, you can take a deep breath and focus on what you can do, and leave the rest to him and to God. Your role as partner and non-addict is to set the standard, hold your standard, extend grace when the will is present, focus on the relationship with him and Jesus, and focus on the deeper story at hand and really get to know who you are dating (or engaged/married to).
When you’re addicted to porn, it can be easy to overlook the negative impact that it’s having on your life. As you quit porn, however, you’ll start to notice just how many benefits quitting porn has brought into your life, from better relationships to more money in the bank and even a higher level of satisfaction with your sex life and more self-confidence around members of the opposite sex.
Because there are so many benefits when you quit porn, we believe that it is paramount for you to shift your mind to these very things. It's these benefits that will motivate and inspire when the going gets tough. Having a vision of the goodness available when you stop watching porn is one of the best ways to get fully committed to the recovery process. We are dedicated to helping you get from point a to point b and experiencing the benefits for yourself Porn Addiction Help Here. It's important to share the positive outcomes, that way you will be able to have point B in mind, the vision of where you can be.
Benefit of Quitting Porn #1: Greater intimacy
It has been said that pornography addiction creates an intimacy disorder… Meaning that an addict will struggle to develop closeness and engage with those around them. This has an intense negative impact on close relationships such as marriage. Imagine for a moment, intimacy is all about being fully known so you can be fully loved. To become intimate with someone is to open yourself up to being fully known and become curious about knowing them fully.
Sadly, there is a power that keeps people from developing intimacy in this way, and that power is shame… There's a quote Helena and I love: “Where secrets are present, intimacy is absent”. We keep secrets because we feel shame. We feel shame because we are doing things that go against God's will and we believe that we are the bad habits we have developed. I want to share a TSN turning point that brought me out of this low place in my own life. I was addicted to porn and knew I needed help. I began opening up about my struggle and removed the secrecy from my life. It was not perfect, but it was a step in the right direction.
When I began sharing myself with other people, I began feeling loved, heard, and understood. I wasn't being defined as a porn addict, but as a beloved son of God who struggled with porn. This was the beginning stage of intimacy in my life. Fast forward years later, I am writing this after celebrating 5 years of freedom from sexual addiction, and the intimacy I get to experience today is incredibly fulfilling… I have come to learn that intimacy is not just sexual! It can be emotional, relational, spiritual, physical, and sexual.
All 5 of them are absolutely beautiful, fulfilling, and shame-crushing. Having greater intimacy in these areas has helped me to feel truly loved in a way that has helped redefine who I am and whose I am. I now get to experience being fully known and fully loved in ways that simply make me smile. It is so satisfying to find greater intimacy and it is most certainly an amazing benefit of quitting porn
Benefit of Quitting Porn #2: Self-confidence
There's nothing worse than going about your day with the constant urge to watch porn… I remember that feeling and HATED IT. I was constantly dysregulated and looked for anything to act as a coping mechanism. I had no confidence in myself or in my abilities. This had me stuck in my own head and it impacted my life in such negative ways.
I always doubted myself, hated myself, and isolated myself because of it. Because porn addiction feels so shameful, it's easy to fall into the trap of mind reading… Always assuming you know all the negative things other people are thinking about you, it's so exhausting. I have good news, you don't have to stay here! Quitting porn is such a life-changing experience that opens the floodgates to a newfound confidence. There's something so empowering about kicking a habit that you know doesn't serve you.
For me, the changes to my life were almost instant! I was able to look people in the eyes, I was able to smile at people, and I felt dignity for the first time in my life! I remember feeling genuine as if I actually wanted to connect with others. Rather than just get through life, I wanted to live life because I felt as if I had value to add. It made me feel like a winner and it's such a great feeling to win the day. With my marriage, I was able to bring my first fruits to Helena.
I was no longer outsourcing my love, affection, and desire. I was bringing her my heart, my mind, and my attention so I could give her my best. I have such fond memories of how masculine I started to feel knowing that my wife could trust me and rely on me - This for me was the ultimate confidence booster!
Benefit of Quitting Porn #3: Increased energy
Watching porn is an energy sucker! Not only does screen time affect your eyes, but most people are also consuming porn late at night. When you’re getting heavy doses of blue light and burning precious hours of sleep even a few times per week, you’re going to feel the negative impact… Maybe it's become so familiar that you aren't aware, but man, let's be honest here.
Watching porn is an energy sucker! When I finally stopped watching porn for good, I was amazed at how much my energy levels changed
If you need energy drinks, 3+ cups of coffee, and other stimulants just to get through the day, your body is trying to tell you something. I was the guy who would watch porn all throughout the day and late into the night… I was TIRED all the time. When I finally stopped watching porn for good, I was amazed at how much my energy levels changed. Not only was I getting more sleep, but I was also giving my brain the ability to recalibrate so that normal stimulus was appealing to me. The new-found energy I had turned into a new zest for life.
I was excited, grateful, convicted, and on purpose. I had an expanded capacity to do more with my days than ever before. This impacted my marriage, sex life, vocation, walk with God, and other areas I cared so much about. Imagine waking up and feeling awake. Imagine getting off work and feeling excited. Imagine going out for the night to have fun and not escape. I have experienced a whole new world since quitting porn and experiencing increased energy. I wouldn't be doing the work I do today if it wasn't for this benefit so I am so grateful!
Benefit of Quitting Porn #4: Better concentration
It's so frustrating to be distracted… That's how it can feel when you're addicted to porn. The brain is foggy, the mind is dull and things don't flow as they should. A common coping mechanism for those who watch porn is dissociation, aka. disconnecting from thinking or feeling. A life of watching porn teaches us to flee when things get tough. When this happens, it is so hard to concentrate on important areas of life - Such as your vocation, marriage, kids, recovery, finances, etc.
This is why quitting porn is crucial if you want to experience this benefit. Much like increased energy, there is an element here that is directly tied to the brain recalibrating. As your brain begins to rewire, the brain fog lifts and you’ll be able to think clearly. I remember when this happened to me! It was unreal how I started to think straight, I started working efficiently and I would finish the day feeling as if I was actually effective. I was able to prioritize what mattered to me most - My marriage began to thrive, I started to sense Gods calling on my life and the relationships I cared deeply about were better nurtured and able to flourish.
How to stop porn addiction?.. Having a porn blocker is a helpful part of the journey
As in, accountability software. I am all for Covenant Eyes being used as a way to help you break the patterns in your life. It can be a really helpful tool as you recalibrate your brain and seek to concentrate on other things. If you click the link, you can get 30 days free and see if it's a good fit for you. Are you having questions about accountability? Read our blog: What are Christian Accountability Partners For Porn Recovery?
Benefit of Quitting Porn #5: Improved mood
When I was addicted to porn, I was not a happy camper. I constantly fell into shame, defeatism, and anger. I would become very demeaning to Helena and objectify/judge others, especially women. The hold that porn had on my brain was strong. I would have high highs and low lows, which is super common for porn addicts. When things were good in life, I was a blast to be around. But when things went astray, I was ANGRY. Helena never quite knew who she was going to get from day to day and would love to keep the boat from rocking. It wasn't until I started my recovery that I was met with the reality of my emotional struggles.
It was during this time that I began getting in touch with those emotions rather than running from them. I learned that I had a ton of resentment, anger, and rage deep inside. It was quitting porn that was the catalyst for me being able to deal with the deepest roots of these pain points. Partnered with increased energy and concentration, I was able to tackle the root issues and find deep healing. The best part about dealing with and healing deep pain is that it begets a whole new outlook on life. And this new outlook creates a new soil for how you live. I have become so much more grateful and content than ever before.
I have been able to release control, surrender to God and live in His abundance. This has brought such a soul satisfaction that is hard to explain until you have experienced it. I love that Helena no longer needs to worry about who she's going to wake up to in the morning… angry Shawn or happy Shawn. This for me is such a beautiful benefit to quitting porn that impacts everyone in your life.
I have been able to release control, surrender to God and live in His abundance. This has brought such soul satisfaction.
The NoFap challenge is a good place to see just how drastic mood changes are. When someone gets past 30-60 days of sobriety, you’ll notice how their life begins to change slowly but surely. Check out more in the NoFap forums
Benefit of Quitting Porn #6: Living in the present
Porn is fake… its a false reality. It takes you away from the very life you’re living. You may think you have a good reason for watching porn, but ultimately, it's nothing more than an escape from a reality you don't want to face. Being able to face what you’re thinking and feeling is key to becoming present. I have learned so much from John Mark Comer about slowing down and becoming present with Jesus. His book “The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry” was life-changing for me and I would highly recommend it to you.
Since quitting porn and learning to live more in the present, the benefits have been beyond my imagination. The deep satisfaction that comes from having a Holy Spirit moment with God, having eye-to-eye time with your wife, being fully engaged during sex, heck, even being able to stay calm and present during the conflict, these are all incredible blessings that have come from kicking the habit of watching porn. There's something special about living life. Like really living life moment by moment.
Not trying to escape, flee, or numb. Imagine finding rest for your soul. For the weary and tired parts of your heart. That comes when you live in the present moment! You will experience abundance in all areas - God, marriage, family, work, relationships, church, and hobbies. Believe me, it's so so sweet.
Benefit #7: Better relationships
Relationships are severely hindered by things like inauthenticity, isolation, shame, and lying. Sadly, all of these and more are negative by-products of an addiction to porn. To have fruitful, life-giving, and purposeful relationships, you need to become someone who can be authentic, real, and honest. Quitting porn was the greatest step I ever took to become someone who could be these things. It was amazing to me how after getting baptized and starting recovery from my porn addiction problems I started deepening my relationships.
It was through the healing journey that I became the true Shawn and felt ready to share him with others. This was amazing to me! It increased the intimacy in relationships that I already had, especially with God and Helena. But it also opened the door for so many new and blessed ones too. I really started feeling that relationships had a greater purpose and they began to fulfill me in ways they never did before. I became a very joyful extrovert and now love the depth of friendships I have. It's wild to think about how shallow my relationships once were, to now be so real and authentic, wow, God is good.
One of the most healing parts of my journey to better relationships has been forgiving others, making amends, and reconciling. I never felt like I could truly do these things when I was addicted to porn. I always felt crippled and ashamed. But since being free from all sexual addiction, I have had so many relationships restored from the courageous steps to reconcile. That's over 5 years of God's gracious hand redeeming what porn tried to steal from my life.
I want to share a plug for men struggling with porn. Relationships can be tough when you feel all alone. This is why I launched the Secret Habit online community. It's a safe place for the men I work with to meet one another and develop friendships. If you need community, you can join the Secret Habit Recovery Accelerator….
Benefit #8: Gaining respect from others
Respect is earned, and it sure is hard to earn it when you’re addicted to porn. On top of that, it's hard to offer respect to others when you watch porn and spend your days objectifying men and women as sex objects. I'll never forget the way Helena confronted me when I was lying to her about my sexual addiction.
I broke all of her trust, continually failed to follow through, and showed her that I was not someone worth respecting. It was that confrontation that was a game changer for me and I am so grateful today for it. She really helped me see the negative effects of porn in our lives and if nothing changed, how it would then impact our future too. I have never thought of it like that! After catching this paradigm shift and vision for life, I used it to fuel my recovery. Along the way, it was something special to see Helena begin to trust me again, to respect me as a man, and to see that I was someone she could count on. I had begun the journey to earning her respect back.
That journey has brought me to where I am at today. We have a marriage that is safe, intimate, and honest. It's incredible to see how respect is the foundation of so many other blessings - Intimacy, thriving sex life, friendships, fulfilling work and so much more. On top of this, I have been able to renew my mind and learn how to see men and women as children of God and beautiful. Instead of seeing everyone as a sex object to consume, I see them as people to love.
In conclusion:
It is not hard to see that there are some absolutely incredible benefits when you quit porn. The 8 listed here are simply a snapshot of so many more available. I hope that this has put a desire deep in your heart that you can kick the habit of watching porn and quit once and for all… not just because it's a bad habit, but because there's so much more life to be lived when you quit and experience freedom.
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