Getting the right help for erectile dysfunction online

Getting the right help for erectile dysfunction online

Getting the right help for erectile dysfunction online

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

July 17, 2021

erectile dysfunction help online

Do you want to know the real reason why you struggle with erectile dysfunction?

Are you ready to take the steps that truly work so you restore your sexual integrity?

Getting the right help for erectile dysfunction online does not have to be a struggle. I know what it’s like to have “tried everything”… It’s easy to feel hopeless when you don’t know what else to do. If you are dealing with ED, PIED, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, and/or off and on weak/non-existent erections, this blog is for you! It’s time for you to learn what actually works, know what doesn’t, and most importantly, find out the best steps to take so you can move towards real true healing. 

As someone who knows this journey, I want you to know that I am here for you. Firstly, I am here to offer you my mind and my experience. Secondly, I am here to offer you my services. I want this to be an opportunity for you to receive practical encouragement, life-giving hope, and the chance to restore your sexual integrity. Ultimately, I want to ensure you get the right help for erectile dysfunction online.

I know what it’s like to have “tried everything”… It’s easy to feel hopeless when you don’t know what else to do. If you are dealing with ED, PIED, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, and/or off and on weak/non-existent erections, this blog is for you!

What is Erectile Dysfunction?

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is the inability to get or keep an erection. In most cases, the penis receives a weak signal from the brain, resulting in erectile impotence. Not every man who has the odd weak erection is going to have “erectile dysfunction”. However, if you are dealing with erectile problems on a weekly basis, I would certainly consider this more than a random reaction to a stressful day. 

The 2 types of erectile dysfunction:

 

#1: Porn-induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED): 

Research is proving that pornography affects the brain. Porn-Induced ED is a by-product of things such as chemical imbalances, neurobiology, and emotional stressors. When looking deeper into the effects of a “porn addiction” we literally see the brain being rewired, creating what some call an “intimacy disorder”. When I mentor men struggling with any area of sexual brokenness, my approach is to get to the root of the issue. However, with PIED, there is an urgency to set up helpful tools to eliminate the viewing of pornography so the brain can begin to recalibrate. 

 

For help directly focused on PIED, you can read my blog “how to cure porn-induced erectile dysfunction”

#2: Erectile Dysfunction (ED) aka. Psychological Impotence: 

When erectile problems reside in the mind, the recovery process is more straightforward than for PIED. If you are in this place, you have likely gone a considerable amount of time without using pornography. As a result, your brain has had some time to recalibrate. However, despite the brain’s adjustments, there is still an inability to get erect. This is where we get the term “impotence”. When ED is rooted in your mind the struggle continues through the power of internal and external stressors. To give a few examples, your deeper root problem may be with pressure, sexpectations, shame, being distracted, lying, fear, or all of the above. 

 

When I work with men with their deep-rooted emotional stressors, it has become clear to me that we are all living the only way we know how to live. Adam Young brings such compassion to this when he says, “Your body is not malfunctioning, it’s functioning the only way it knows how to”. For this reason, you need someone to help you see what you cannot see. 

 

2 hidden causes of ED you likely didn’t know about

#1: Faulty core beliefs rooted in your past experiences

When looking at your life, are there things you do without understanding why? If so, getting to the very root of the issue will be the solution to making sense of it all. The roots can be traced to and found in your core beliefs. One of the hardest parts about understanding your core beliefs is that they are normal to you. Therefore, knowing what is faulty can be challenging. This is what I meant when I said you will need help seeing what you cannot see. Core beliefs are formed all throughout your life. They are “what we hold as absolute truth deep down”. These “absolute truths” form in the very beginnings of your childhood, in moments as a teenager, and up until today. In other words, what you see, hear, and experience tells you what to believe. For example, you see your father react to life’s challenges with powerlessness, anger, or withdrawal. As a result, you adopt this style of relating and subconsciously form a faulty core belief. In other words, the very fabric of our life is formed from even the most subtle of situations.

 

Examples of faulty core beliefs:


  • “I’m not good enough”
  • “It’s all my fault”
  • “I am flawed”
  • “I can never get it right”

#2: Negative thought life

Everything in your life flows from what’s inside your mind. Erectile dysfunction is no different. It is simply an outcome that is directly correlated to your thoughts. Your core beliefs form your thoughts, then your thoughts form how you live. In my years of working in the field, it has become apparent to me that the loudest message is for you to fix behaviors rather than renew your mind. Consequently, when behavior management doesn’t work, shame kicks in, leading to further problems.

 Have you heard of the term performance anxiety? The very fabric of this issue is a faulty core belief about one’s identity and a negative thought about inadequacy. This is to say that it is only when we begin to deal with the deeper problems are we able to fix what is actually broken.

 

Examples of negative thoughts:


  • “If I don’t get an erection I’ll fail my wife”
  • “I have to get an erection to be manly”
  • “My partner will be so mad at me if I don’t get an erection”
  • “Real men get erect without any problems”

 

For more insight, this video gives an in-depth look at transforming your thought life

 

5 common myths about ED 


#1: ED is a penis problem: 


Erectile dysfunction can certainly be diagnosed as a physical problem. However, with years of personal experience working with men and researching this issue, I have yet to come across someone who had a physical penis problem. These findings have led me to believe that the large majority of erectile problems reside in the mind.

#2: ED happens to older men:


With study after study proving that men in their 20’s are struggling with erectile dysfunction, it’s becoming clear that this is affecting men of all ages. The lesson we can learn here is that all men, no matter what, share one thing – Emotional stressors

#3: I should take a pill: 


The pill route does not get to the heart of the problem. It focuses on the penis and not the brain. If the brain is sending weak signals to the penis, it’s the brain that needs attention. 

 

For more details, Gary Wilson speaks directly to this in his presentation

#4: Watching porn can help with ED: 


Pornography deteriorates the brain and rewires the mind. If this is taking place behind the scenes, you will eventually find yourself worse off than someone struggling with just ED. To use porn as a way to get “turned on” goes against all logic when we know what it does to the brain.

#5: Low libido causes ED: 


If ED is a by-product of a faulty belief system and thought life, then I believe the same about “low libido”. I am not denying that some people have lower sex drives. However, I would argue that the natural differences are much more minuscule than most believe. Therefore, reiterating my points thus far, emotional stressors are at the heart of these issues. In other words, I believe low libido is a symptom, not an identity.

 

2 things you need to stop doing right now:

 

#1: Pushing through the stress: 

Imagine you’re skating down the ice in a hockey game, you get checked hard against the boards, and snap! You break your leg. Sure, you could be the hulk and try and keep going, but really, who would you be kidding? With sex, there’s always a sign that something is off. The problem is, most men think they can push through, and sadly, this leads to stress for both parties. When you push through the stress, you’re choosing to perform rather than connect… this is a huge problem when sex is all about connection. 

 

#2: Covering up the truth:

When your mind gets caught up thinking it must perform, I’m guessing that you become a perfectionist. I know for me, when I was thinking about something other than sex, my wife, or the moment itself, I felt guilty and embarrassed. Why? Because I thought I was failing as a man and lover”. But really, this was not true. Sadly, time and time again, this led me to lie to my wife and cover up what was really happening in my head. I’ve noticed almost all men are like this… they lie when they feel ashamed of the truth. This may be something you do when you are distracted by work, a smell, a memory of something unrelated, etc… In the end, all lies divide us. Dr. Kevin Skinner says it best when he said “where secrets are present, intimacy is absent”.

 

 

3 proven steps to overcome erectile dysfunction:

#1: Renewing your thought life


You have already learned that the 2 hidden causes of ED are found in your thoughts and beliefs. Now, it’s time to learn the necessary steps to uncover what has been hidden so you find real lasting healing. I want to explain a practice that I dig deeper into with my clients called “the thought model”. This simple and effective exercise has been the catalyst to my clients experiencing the beauty of Godly belief and thought. 

thought model erectile dysfunction help

Breaking down the thought model:

 

From a bird’s eye view, this seems like a very simple exercise. Despite the simplicity, the challenge can be found in doing it effectively. As I work with clients, it has become very apparent to me that they need guidance in how to do this well. For example, I will have clients “check the box” to get their journalling done, rather than “check their hearts” to experience real change. Because this habit is more of a lifestyle than a task, it must be done correctly. To demonstrate, here is a breakdown of each step with 2 common examples (one negative and one positive).

 

Circumstances, which are not in our control, happen all day, every day. Sometimes they are positive and sometimes they flat out suck… When they happen, we have a choice to respond or react with what we think about them. 

 

Example of a circumstance: A work project that you had worked so hard on ends up getting overlooked by your boss

 

When something out of your control occurs, you have 2 choices: You can either react, or you can respond. When you choose to react, consequently, the mind is flooded with negative thoughts. On the other hand, when you choose to respond, the mind is flooded with helpful and truth-based thoughts. Despite most day-to-day choices being unconscious, a subconscious choice is just as, if not even more important to recognize than a conscious one. 

 

Example of a reactive thought: “Nothing ever works out for me”

 

Example of a responsive thought: “I am so glad I put my all into that project. I know God is pleased with me.”

 

Feelings, which can be felt emotionally and physically, are a by-product of your thoughts. Therefore, whatever your thoughts are, your feelings will be also.

 

Examples of negative feelings: Anger, fear, tight shoulders, anxiety, entitlement

 

Examples of positive feelings: Content, peaceful, relaxed shoulders, grateful

 

When you have the power of thoughts and feelings working together, your actions will align with whatever they happen to be. 

 

Examples of a negative action: Avoiding your boss; slandering your boss; going home to watch porn

 

Examples of a positive action: Calling a friend to pray together; Having a further conversation with your boss; Pursuing emotional intimacy with your partner

 

Last but not least, after the action, you are left with an outcome. Ultimately, your outcome will directly reflect a faulty or sturdy foundation. In other words, your thoughts literally predict your outcome.

 

Examples of a negative outcome: Disconnected from your partner; Erectile Dysfunction; Go to bed tired and full of shame

 

Example of a positive outcome: Clarity from your boss; intimacy with your partner; Quality sleep

 

As shown above, the thought model has the power to be a powerful predictor and/or a reflector for your life. Therefore, choosing to use it at the beginning of and at the end of your day is an incredible way to renew your thought life.

#2: Embracing Vulnerability


When you’re struggling with erectile dysfunction, vulnerability seems impossible… I completely understand the dilemma. Despite the challenge, staying stuck in the 2 things I mentioned you need to stop doing is not going to be a better option. For this reason, taking small steps towards vulnerability, no matter how hard it may seem, is the pathway to your success. When I say vulnerability, I am talking about being honest, real, upfront, and willing. Thus, a step in being vulnerable is to courageously share what is actually going on in your mind and body. To illustrate, here’s a situation between my wife and me that had me at a crossroad with a choice to make:

 

I was so excited for my wife to open her gift. It was Christmas morning, and a very nice necklace was sitting under the tree. Despite my excitement, I felt a sudden frustration when she tried it on and it did not sit well. In addition to my frustration, I was angry that we had to go to the store on boxing day and return it. As a result, I kept to myself and let my thoughts and feelings fester. Consequently, later that day, I struggled with keeping an erection when trying to have sex. Even though my wife was so gracious with what happened, all I could think about was my “bad purchase” and maneuvering through the busy mall the next day. Thus, at that moment, I had a choice to make. Would I keep silent and let shame dictate my erectile functioning? or would I choose courageous vulnerability and connect with my wife? I chose to tell my wife that I needed her to take the necklace off. I told her that it was distracting me, that I felt bad about the purchase, and the idea of returning it was overwhelming. She was gracious, willing, and loving. She took the necklace off and we continued as if it were no big deal. I am so glad I chose courageous vulnerability. As a result, within seconds, I got an erection and we had restorative, redemptive sex together. 

 

I hope this story is an encouragement to you. I share it because I know how hard it is to do what I did here. I know how embarrassing it can feel to share what’s truly going on in your mind. However, I share all of this as someone who knows how much better it is to choose vulnerability over silence. In addition, I share it as someone who knows how rewarding it is to share your true self. To be seen, loved, and wanted for all that you are. Even though this may seem scary, will you try it? It may be the very thing that not only helps with erectile dysfunction but changes your entire life. In brief, you now know that the choice to wield the power of vulnerability is in your hands, I challenge you to make the right choice.

 

For some extra inspiration and help: “The power of vulnerability” by Brene Brown 

#3: Intentional Communication

 

“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity” – Nat Turner

 

To piggyback off of that quote, it has become quite clear to me that most couples unconsciously drift through life rather than consciously build a life. This is not to say that these are lazy people. On the contrary, they’re often the people with the most potential, but for one reason or another, they become comfortable with the drift. There is no secret sauce to good communication, it takes effort and intentionality. However, a secret weapon that has blessed my wife and me, as well as many clients is creating a “sexual template”. 

 

What is a “sexual template”?

creating sexual template

 

A sexual template is a sort of “rule of life” for your sex life. This template is about you and your partner alone. This is not about what others do or what others say. Ultimately, this is an opportunity to discuss how your sex life can become a bridge that honors God and serves one another. As a result, the goal of the sexual template is to create safety, vulnerability, purpose, freedom, trust, and fulfillment. The creation of this template, of course, starts with communication. Most importantly, it is a time to focus on and discuss things that you have likely longed to share with or hear from your partner. For example, the communication is often focused on these themes:

 

  • Discussing the purpose of your sex life together
  • Opening up about your struggles, expectations, fears, etc
  • Affirming one another and expressing your love
  • Sharing your sexual wants and needs
  • Agreeing on healthy sexpectations, wants, needs 
  • Finding areas of growth together and extending grace

 

How to create your own sexual template:

 

  • Sexual Goals/Purpose:
  • Foundational truths:
  • Likes, Wants, Needs:
  • Healthy expectations:
  • Where to extend grace:

 

The practice of creating a sexual template is very personal. When I help my clients with this, I play the role of a guide. For example, step one is me walking them through the necessary steps to make time, take time and effectively have these deep conversations with their partner. After that, I act as a thermostat. In other words, I help the couple move towards a healthy and realistic sexual template based on truth. For instance, I want to ensure that everything necessary is on the table, the template is practical for them to live out and most importantly, they agree to invest 100%/100% in the commitment to each other. Ultimately, this template is about God, you, and your partner. Therefore, you may choose to work on this between yourselves, or you may decide to reach out and get proven support. Whichever you choose, I want you to know that you and your partner will be one step closer to intentional communication that impacts every part of your life. 

 

For a deeper dive into all of this, check out this podcast I was on with Husband Material

 

The rewards of overcoming ED

the rewards of overcoming erectile dysfunction

 

The nature of overcoming erectile dysfunction is not perfection, but an increased awareness. As you have learned thus far, the pathway to greater sexual integrity is found deeper than you may have thought. As a result, you have the opportunity to experience rewards greater than you have ever imagined.

 

Restored sexual integrity

 

To have your sexuality restored sounds much bigger than just overcoming erectile dysfunction. And that’s because it is! When you transform your very being, you’re going to become the truest version of yourself. In addition, you’re going to be able to discern and live out God’s purpose for your life. As an illustration, using my own life, since quitting pornography and overcoming ED, I have a sense of dignity, confidence, and sexual strength. I can embrace and enjoy the beauty around me, I am more focused on my vocation and I am a much healthier person. And most importantly, in most cases, I am able to pursue God’s plan for sexuality, which for me, is the greatest form of integrity one can have. Ultimately, this is not about perfection, but about awareness, and to grow in awareness is to grow in integrity.

 

For some hands-on behavioral approaches – “5 tips for restoring sexual integrity”

 

Restored sexual unity

 

When your partner sees you transforming from the inside out, seeking to be more vulnerable, and intentionally communicating, great things begin to happen. In other words, when a woman watches her man grow, develop and take the lead, it’s a huge turn-on. If you take the steps in this blog seriously, they offer the opportunity to reap a bountiful harvest in your relationship. For example, a greater quality of sex, quantity of sex, laughter and playfulness, fulfillment and purpose, and so much more. Ultimately, when the sexual fulfillment of your relationship changes, everything changes. 

 

To hear my wife and I speak more on this: “Imagine your marriage without porn” 

 

 

How to get the right help for erectile dysfunction online

 

1 on 1 virtual mentoring 

 

As per the Barna study, sexual addiction mentoring has become one of the most effective ways to help one’s recovery. In other words, 1 on 1 mentoring for erectile dysfunction is seen as very effective. Most importantly, in my personal 1 on 1 work with clients, the rate of recovery has been tremendous. By working with a mentor such as myself, you not only have someone to guide your steps, you will have someone who has virtually walked the same steps. In addition to my experience, you will work through a proven program, vetted resources, and weekly assignments. Ultimately, if you are struggling with erectile dysfunction then there is a lot on the line. For this reason, I would advocate for 1 on 1 mentoring. In my own life, I have experienced the return on investment is worth every penny and I know you will too.

 

What we offer through Secret Habit:

 

  • Weekly 1 on 1 sessions and accountability
  • Proven program
  • Story healing 
  • Vetted resources and assignments
  • Virtual coaching platform
  • Sexual discipleship
  • Roadmap to freedom

 

If you are ready to get the right help, please don’t wait any longer. Enroll in 1 on 1 ED coaching today

 

In conclusion: You can overcome erectile dysfunction!

 

There’s a famous quote I heard somewhere that says, “The best things are the hardest things”. This quote has a ton of truth to it. However, you must understand that it’s just as hard, if not harder, to live in dysfunction. For example, the quote could actually say “The worst things are the hardest things” and ring just as true. When you realize that it’s not about what is “hard”, but what matters. Ultimately, you are going to have to choose if you want to deal with the pain of regret or the pain of change. To choose the pain of change is the choice that will reap great rewards. While it won’t be easy, it will definitely be worth it! 

One of my clients chose to change, here’s what he said:

“Before joining Secret Habit, I felt controlled by my emotions and susceptible to temptations like pornography.  I was stuck in a pattern of bondage that I didn’t want anymore.  When I heard about Secret Habit, I took a leap of faith by admitting to myself that I needed help in order to change.  Through mentoring, which lasted over a 5 month period and lots of arduous work to discover the meaning behind my emotional suffering, I was able to break free.  Today, my emotions do not govern my unwanted behavior. I have been equipped with an understanding of my past and tools to work through each situation.  I am excited to share my good news by letting others know that we do not have to resign ourselves to being controlled in this way.  There is freedom in understanding why we fall into temptation.  Every aspect of my life is stronger because of Secret Habit.”

Disclaimer:

Shawn Bonneteau is a Certified Professional Mentor, not a licensed counselor. Shawn is not making medical claims in his writings, rather, he shares his personal findings and opinions.

 

 

 

 

Shawn Bonneteau

Shawn Bonneteau

Author

Shawn is the co-founder of Secret Habit. He loves to write, speak and mentor men. He has a story of addiction to porn and masturbation, as well as a struggle with Erectile Dysfunction that haunted him for many years into his marriage. He feels called to use his story to bring hope and healing to those stuck in sexual bondage.

“Before joining Secret Habit, I felt controlled by my emotions and susceptible to temptations like pornography.  I was stuck in a pattern of bondage that I didn’t want anymore.  When I heard about Secret Habit, I took a leap of faith by admitting to myself that I needed help in order to change.  Through mentoring, which lasted over a 5 month period and lots of arduous work to discover the meaning behind my emotional suffering, I was able to break free.  Today, my emotions do not govern my unwanted behavior. I have been equipped with an understanding of my past and tools to work through each situation.  I am excited to share my good news by letting others know that we do not have to resign ourselves to being controlled in this way.  There is freedom in understanding why we fall into temptation.  Every aspect of my life is stronger because of Secret Habit.”

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Bringing this full circle to COVID-19, one may feel the stress of the situation, internalize these stressors, long for relief, but seek it in the wrong places such as pornography. I know its a big idea, but if you think about it, it truly does make sense…

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media

Who is your Inner Critic?

Who is your Inner Critic?

Who is your Inner Critic?

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

October 21, 2020

Who is your inner critic?

 

When watching a movie that is narrated (here, we will refer to a negative narrator as an inner critic), sometimes the narration is of what’s going on inside the main character’s head. When this happens,  we get two different experiences at the same time. 

  1. The main character in 1st person
  2. The main character in 3rd person (the thoughts inside his/her head)

When we get to hear what goes on inside someone’s head, we get an inside scoop into the inner thoughts life of humanity. This is pretty powerful, considering we all have voices in our heads that dictate our life.

 When I think of narration, I think of Morgan Freeman. He seems to narrate all the movies I watch lol. However, by taking a good look at your own life and the narration happening day after day, how would you answer the question “Who is narrating my life?”

 Unfortunately, I doubt it’s Morgan Freeman. No matter how epic that would be… And sadly, even if you can’t believe it right now, it’s doubtful that’s even you. In other words, you may think you control your thought life, but more times than not, it’s subconscious patterns that take over, aka, an inner critic.

Who and what is my inner critic?

You must understand what’s happening inside your head. Your inner critic may be named many things, such as:

  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Bitterness
  • Entitlement
  • Pride
  • Trauma
  • Wounds

The majority of our mind is made up of what we adopt from childhood influence. For example, someone with a severe family of origin wounding may have a narrator and inner critic that is telling them they are worthless, alone, and unlovable. While many people blame themselves for the way they are, the truth of the matter is that their narration often ties back to things like,

 

  • Childhood Abusive
  • Neglect
  • Conditional love
  • Bullying
  • Labels

However, by taking a good look at your own life and the narration happening day after day, how would you answer the question “Who is narrating my life?”

You can change your narrator:

No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can choose to name the inner critic and change who is narrating in your life. In doing this, you will be able to begin living from healthy truth. Now, this is not an easy practice, but it sure is rewarding. Ultimately, it’s your core beliefs that lay the foundation for your life. Therefore, what you believe must be investigated and offered curiosity and kindness.

The act of naming your inner critic and narrator will help you trace back to where it originated. Doing so will offer great insight and fresh opportunities. Ultimately, this is only the first step, but it’s a giant step that leads you down a better path.

 

Getting the right help with your core beliefs and thought life is key. At Secret Habit, we offer story healing, sexual discipleship, and thought coaching. Furthermore, we work with you to help restore sexual integrity. If you are in a place where you want a trusted guide and proven support, consider enrolling in our 1 on 1 mentoring.

 

2 things you can do to change your inner critic right now

 

1: Be curious about your story

Take some time and reflect on what’s true. This is hard work, but it is worthy of your time and energy. Here are 4 questions to get the ball rolling:

 

  • “Who is narrating my life and why do I let them?”
  • “Where did I learn this narration from? Who influenced me to believe this?”
  • “Am I allowing this inner critic into my life out of pain, or out of love? Why?”
  • “Do I believe I am worthy of having a new, healthy narrator that tells a beautiful story? Why, or why not?”

 

Here is an incredible podcast by Adam Young on how engaging your story impacts your brain

 

2: Influence your story

In this step, I want you to begin thinking about, and writing down what you would want your future to be like. This is a time to imagine, dream, think bigger. For example, if your narrator is fear, you may decide that you want fear to be replaced with truth. Ultimately, you will have to decide what you want and where you will get it from.

The idea of finding truth may sound nebulous, but it’s really not. For example, you can find firm truth in what the Bible says, or through factual information from honest sources.

 

To summarize:

The good news, your inner critic and narrator can be changed. Past influences in your life can be removed of their power with the right posture towards your story. In closing, I want to encourage you that this takes time, patience, and compassion, but every ounce of effort you put in will reap that much of a harvest. In conclusion, you are not a victim any longer. Therefore, it’s time to break free from what has kept you bound for so long and become a victor over the past.

 

If you need help with any of this, reach out. We know this can be challenging to work on alone. We have been through the ups and downs of story healing and have helped many others. Furthermore, we offer coaching, help, and support for porn addiction, erectile dysfunction, sexual betrayal, and ultimately, sexual brokenness.

No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can choose to change the inner critic in your life and begin living from healthy truth. Now, this is not an easy practice, but it sure is rewarding. Ultimately, it’s your core beliefs that lay the foundation for your life. Therefore, what you believe must be investigated and offered curiosity and kindness.

Related Articles

Who is your Inner Critic?

Who is your Inner Critic?

The good news, your inner critic can be changed. Past influences in your life can be removed of their power with the right posture towards your story. In closing, I want to encourage you that this takes time, patience, and compassion, but every ounce of effort you put in will reap that much of a harvest. In conclusion, you are not a victim any longer. Therefore, it’s time to break free from what has kept you bound for so long and become a victor over the past.

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

As you may see, our take on helping someone overcome pornography addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about helping someone change their lifestyle and seek what is good, rather than constantly avoid what is bad… If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it – This is why Secret Habit exists and I hope you have found this blog helpful… we truly care and that’s why we do what we do

Porn is a side effect of stress.

Porn is a side effect of stress.

Bringing this full circle to COVID-19, one may feel the stress of the situation, internalize these stressors, long for relief, but seek it in the wrong places such as pornography. I know its a big idea, but if you think about it, it truly does make sense…

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

April 28, 2020

become a victor during your loss

Victory over porn addiction amidst a challenging season

Are you struggling from a recent loss due to COVID-19? I imagine you have lost something in one way or another, and I know it can be a tough pill to swallow. If you are one of the many who are without a job and without a regular income right now, I want to speak directly to you, but this information is relevant to anyone who has experienced a loss.

A loss often leads to grief… When something completely overturns our expectations and changes normal everyday living, it can cause us to live in fear and scarcity. I know for myself, I rely on an income to get me by because I have bills to pay… I dont think you are any different. If you have lost your job and are experiencing some of the repercussions of that, I want to encourage you to keep your mind and heart above the darkness. In times likes these, we get to choose to become a victim or a victor, and we get to decide whether we will fall into addictions or if we will step into opportunities… 

 

Why is it so hard to experience victory?

In times like these, it can be so hard to think like a victor and step into opportunities, I know firsthand… The challenge often comes from a mindset of “I deserve”, “Why me?”, ’that’s not fair”, and so on… Sure, we all believe we deserve a fair outcome, but really, life is not a respecter of people, and with this, we can get dealt a hand that we may not like. This can lead someone into feeling emotions such as grief, depression, rage, fear, boredom, loneliness, anxiety and resentment. When emotions such as these are felt, its because our thoughts are revolved around being the victim. When life is hard and we react negatively as a victim, it becomes nearly impossible to think positively, to act kindly, and to be the person you know you want to be. This becomes a recipe in ones life and its the unfailing recipe that leads to addictions… 

Touching on pornography for a second, as thats our focus with Secret Habit, we see that most addicts to porn are stuck in a cycle of playing victim, they resent a certain circumstance, they begin hating others and hating themselves, and they are stuck feeling they deserve something, so they watch porn and masturbate to “get” what they thought they “needed”.

 

What is a victor?

A victor is someone who chooses to “see the glass half full”, or one who chooses to see the opportunity rather than the present circumstance. This is nothing more than a mindset, and its only when we choose to think differently about our circumstances will we be able to adopt this “victor” life stance.

But, what if I am addicted to porn right now?

Well, a victor is someone who chooses to see that this addiction is doing more damage than they had originally anticipated. When porn becomes a daily/weekly thing, it will, of course, harm you, but it will also begin to harm those around you. A victor decides to get out of denial, see the issue for what it truly is, and make the decision to say NO MORE. Fighting the battle is the beginning to winning the battle, and in my eyes, the victor is not just the one who has the victory in the end, it’s also the one who makes the right choice, to start the journey to victory today!

A victor is someone who chooses to “see the glass half full”, or one who chooses to see the opportunity rather than the present circumstance. This is nothing more than a mindset, and its only when we choose to think differently about our circumstances will we be able to adopt this “victor” life stance.

5 tips to experience victory over pornography addiction:

 

#1: Choose to be a victor, not a victim

As you have already read, there are some changes that need to be made to go from victim to victor… It is a mentality switch and it begins with you making the decision. Yes, you may think, “I have made this decision before, but it didn’t work for me” Well, most people make decisions, but have no plan in place to follow through with. What I am recommending you to do is:

 

– Make the decision

– Create a game-plan (Use Secret Habit as a resource, we are here to help)

– Refocus your thoughts

– Work the game-plan

 

#2: Focus on what you can do

It’s amazing how so many people go through life without purpose, without joy, and without an idea of why they do what they do… Well, if you have some extra time right now, like most of us do, why don’t you begin to ask some of the BIG questions in life?

 

-“What do I enjoy doing so much that I could help other people by doing it?”

-“What am I gifted in that I could turn into a vocation?”

-“What can I do today that if I do it, it will help me take the next step tomorrow?”

 

Questions like these are SO helpful! In this season right now, questions like these may be the key to you finding out how you can make some money and support yourself… I know that would be a game-changer for most of you! This is also a fantastic time to start learning something new, which could definitely be a part of you becoming an expert in the field of your passion. Take the time to get excited about learning! To learn something of purpose is one of the most fulfilling things on this earth.

A quick story to share what happened with me: When I started Secret Habit, I knew I wanted to help people, I knew I had a story of freedom from porn, and I knew that not many people were helping in the area of porn addiction. It would NEVER have been my first choice of “what I wanted to do” but what I realized really quickly is that when I worked on Secret Habit, I was more fulfilled than any other time… I challenge you, in this season of uncertainty, to step into something that you were made to do!

 

#3: Be a light in the darkness

You have something to share, everyone does… I never thought that I did while growing up, but obviously, if you are reading this blog, you believe I do. What if you wrote a blog, did a livestream, wrote a song, played an instrument, started a Facebook group? There are so many ways you can be a light in this time where people are stuck at home, afraid, and unsure of what to do. So again, its a good time to ask the questions that need to be asked and unleash the passion and gifts inside of you. 

When you begin to work in an area of purpose, its incredible how you will almost automatically become a victor! Its true time and time again, when someone has purpose in life, they will start to become free from the shackles in their life, and this is how people quit things such as pornography… If something such as a purpose begins to serve you and fill that hole in your heart, the things that you previously used to numb the hole actually become unnecessary, and you outgrow the need for them.

 

#4: Be aware of what triggers you 

When we are in a place of emotional strain, we will begin to be triggered by circumstances going on in our lives. The circumstance of you losing your job is only a circumstance, but what it does to you may be destructive…. Be aware of what is going on inside your mind before it traps you in the cycle of negativity, leading to falling into the victim role. It would be wise to take some time to write the triggers that send you into an emotional tailspin. Sure, some of them may be tough circumstances that seem justifiable, and some may have past trauma getting brought back up, but some may simply be a revealing that you have an unhealthy outlook on life… Its so important to do this so you can live proactively, rather than living in reaction. 

To identify a trigger, you may need to look back at the last couple days and think to yourself, “What caused me to feel rage?”; “What was I feeling the last time I relapsed?”; “Who in my life makes me feel stressed?”, etc… There are so many revealing questions you can ask, so begin asking… You will be surprised at how much gets revealed in such a short period of time.

 

#5: Stay Connected

You are likely feeling isolated, regardless if you have COVID-19 or not, being forced into isolation is a challenge. This season can lead to a lack of connection, but sadly, if we’re not proactive, it may lead to a new habit of being disconnected.… As humans, we were created for connection and without it, our hearts grow weary… Ask yourself “What are some things I can do today to start getting connected?” 

 

Here are a few examples that come to mind:

– Plan a video call with a friend

– Join or start a Reddit, Facebook, or online forum group

– Get some friends to play an online video game

– Find a language app and trade your English expertise for someone else’s first language expertise

– Learn some new games, or read a book as a group with those who you live with

 

To conclude:

As you may see, our take on helping someone experience victory over pornography addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about helping someone change their lifestyle and seek what is good, rather than constantly avoid what is bad… If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it – This is why Secret Habit exists and I hope you have found this blog helpful… we truly care and that’s why we do what we do

 

We are here to help you experience victory over porn addiction:

At Secret Habit, we want to add value in this season to anyone going through a hard time. Check out our service page and see how we can help you on your journey to victory. There you will see our services for porn addiction, erectile dysfunction, and sexual betrayal.

Extra resources that we have found helpful:

  • “Finish” Give yourself the gift of done – Because perfectionism often kills all good things, this book must be recommended
  • The Gifts of Imperfection – This book was a huge part of my own personal healing journey and can help one get on the right track to being their best perfectly imperfect self
  • Consider before consuming podcast – Its a unique time to really consider what we do before we do, and this podcast will be a big help in that process.
  • Your brain on porn – A great resource to help you understand what happens to a pornified brain, and to guide you to make an informed decision.

     

If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it

 

As you may see, our take on helping someone overcome pornography addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about helping someone change their lifestyle and seek what is good, rather than constantly avoid what is bad… If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it

Related Articles

Who is your Inner Critic?

Who is your Inner Critic?

The good news, your inner critic can be changed. Past influences in your life can be removed of their power with the right posture towards your story. In closing, I want to encourage you that this takes time, patience, and compassion, but every ounce of effort you put in will reap that much of a harvest. In conclusion, you are not a victim any longer. Therefore, it’s time to break free from what has kept you bound for so long and become a victor over the past.

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

As you may see, our take on helping someone overcome pornography addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about helping someone change their lifestyle and seek what is good, rather than constantly avoid what is bad… If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it – This is why Secret Habit exists and I hope you have found this blog helpful… we truly care and that’s why we do what we do

Porn is a side effect of stress.

Porn is a side effect of stress.

Bringing this full circle to COVID-19, one may feel the stress of the situation, internalize these stressors, long for relief, but seek it in the wrong places such as pornography. I know its a big idea, but if you think about it, it truly does make sense…

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media

How to stop watching porn while working from home

How to stop watching porn while working from home

How to stop watching porn while working from home

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

March 24, 2020

working from home during COVID19

Are you asking yourself “how do I stop watching porn?”

If your life has been shaken by the COVID-19 pandemic, and your work has transitioned to a home office, you may be waking up with new struggles that you have never experienced before… One of those struggles is likely the temptation to numb, and one of the “go-to” coping mechanisms in such situations is internet pornography. 

Why would someone look to numb when working from home is so great?

Well, working from home has its perks, but it can cause some serious emotions to flare up from triggers we may not be used to feeling during a common workday. With all the news feeds jammed full of updates on how bad things are looking, it’s easy to feel a sense of overwhelm in this season of life.

When I say “emotional flare-up”, what I mean is that you now have so much more to deal with, likely, without knowing it. You have to be self-motivated, focused on the work task at hand, on a strict schedule to have a work-life balance, able to work solo without community, and one of the hardest things – distancing yourself from family so you can get work done, but all the while being in the same house.

There are many more struggles that come with working from home, but lets just focus in on what they can all lead to – Negative thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that can lead to a desire to numb.

These desires to numb mixed in with the shocking stats of how many people are watching porn regularly inevitably equal an increase in porn addiction… How so? Well, when someone is experiencing new emotional triggers (from being home from work), they may feel angry, fearful, purposeless, bored, and/or overwhelmed… These are all root emotions that often lead people to seeking out and watching porn.

Why does this matter? 

If you are working from home, you likely have more things to do each day (at work and around the house), topped with a greater pressure to perform, all the while having more time to be left alone with your computer to get into unhealthy things such as porn or tempting social media posts with nobody to hold you accountable.

When I say “emotional flare-up”, what I mean is that you now have so much more to deal with, likely, without knowing it. You have to be self-motivated, focused on the work task at hand, on a strict schedule to have a work-life balance, able to work solo without community, and one of the hardest things – distancing yourself from family so you can get work done, but all the while being in the same house.

Here are 4 tips to help answer your question “how do I stop watching porn” while working from home:

#1: Set yourself up for success:

Now is the time to plan, not for how much food you need to outlast the coronavirus, but planning how you are going to combat the emotions that may drive you to watch porn and relapse… I would recommend having a daily plan that you set up the night prior so you are ready and prepared as soon as you wake up.

You may have some key things planned such as your morning routine, a set work schedule, a healthy exercise in between, your meal plan, a healthy stress reviver if the day gets hard, a chance to see your family, and so on… Being motivated by a purpose will help keep you from getting to the point of feeling the burn to numb. It will also be wise to plan your evenings, or off-work hours, especially the ones where you may be tempted by boredom or lack of anything “better” to do. Getting to bed at a regular time will be incredibly helpful in ensuring you don’t get caught up in being up late looking at things you know are going to be detrimental to your life.

It would also be a good idea to get yourself some accountability. Not because accountability is the answer to overcoming pornography, but because it adds a layer of protection that you likely had built-in while at work. Here is a link to Covenant Eyes, which is in my opinion, a top-notch resource for not only web filtering but for screen monitoring and total accountability with all things you view. You are going to want to talk to a few trusted friends of the same gender and have them become your “allies”. Now, these people aren’t just there for you to tell when you relapse… Find yourself a couple of key people who you know will ask you about the deeper issue behind why you sought out porn instead of a healthy alternative…

 

#2: Take care of yourself:

We live in a culture that has lost its understanding of what pleasure truly is… Think about this for a moment, maybe you worked hard all day, hit a goal, accomplished something important, so you choose to “celebrate” with something that actually makes you feel sick… Sex, porn, alcohol, food, sugar, etc… These have become the norm in the world of pleasure today, but really, are they pleasuring?

In this season of COVID-19, I want to challenge you to truly take care of yourself. As you are working from home, you will likely hit goals, accomplish things, feel the need to celebrate or let off some steam… This is the time to ask yourself the question, “What would be authentically pleasuring to me right now?”. You may be surprised to learn that the things we often do for “pleasure” are actually trash compared to what we truly want/need. “Authentic pleasure” is fulfilling, but so often, we seek “pleasure” that is so far from what we actually want/need because we are numbing something below the surface.

So its time to take care of yourself because you deserve so much better than trash. You deserve to feel authentic pleasure and you deserve to experience the fulfillment it brings. Try a walk around the park with your favorite music, have a hot bath with some epsom salts, watch something funny on YouTube and laugh, try making an exotic meal and enjoy the gift of making something new, buy a comfy office chair so you are reminded that you love yourself every time you sit on it, etc… there are so many things that will actually bring authentic pleasure if we just think to ourselves “What is actually going to fulfill me right now”.

 

For further help, check out: “Taking care of yourself is a key step in quitting porn”

 

#3: Identify your triggers:

What really sets you off? Are there certain circumstances that cause you more stress, strain, anxiety, or fear than other ones? It would be wise to take some time to write the triggers that send you into an emotional tailspin. Sure, some of them may be tough circumstances that seem justifiable, and some may be past trauma getting brought back up, but some may simply be revealing that you have an unhealthy outlook on life… It’s so important to do this so you can live proactively, rather than living in reaction.

To identify a trigger, you may need to look back at the last couple of days and think to yourself, “What caused me to feel fear?”; “What was I feeling the last time I relapsed?”; “Who in my life makes me feel stressed?”, etc… There are so many revealing questions you can ask, so begin asking… You will be surprised at how much gets revealed!

 

#4: Change how you react to your triggers:

To piggyback off of the last point, here are the steps to changing how you react.

Begin with the negative – Write out your triggers, what you think after the trigger, how these thoughts make you feel, and then what these feelings lead you to do. Then, take some time and visualize and write out a positive response to the trigger… To change the response, you would begin with creating a positive thought, then imagine what that thought would make you feel like, then think about how that would lead you to act. Begin putting this into practice now by reviewing past situations where you didn’t react so well, so that the next time that trigger occurs, you will be prepared to respond differently.

 

We are here to help you learn much more than just how to stop watching porn. We want to help you find lasting freedom that changes your entire life:

 

At Secret Habit, we offer coaching and programs for porn addiction, erectile dysfunction, and sexual betrayal. We have first-hand experience with these struggles and have effective methods to help.

As you may see, our take on helping someone overcome pornography addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about helping someone change their lifestyle and seek what is good, rather than constantly avoid what is bad… If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it – This is why Secret Habit exists and I hope you have found this blog helpful… we truly care and that’s why we do what we do

 

Change the way you react to triggers.. 

Write out your triggers, what you think after the trigger, how these thoughts make you feel, and then what these feelings lead you to do. Then, take some time and visualize and write out a positive response to the trigger… To change the response, you would begin with creating a positive thought, then imagine what that thought would make you feel like, then think about how that would lead you to act.

Related Articles

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

As you may see, our take on helping someone overcome pornography addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about helping someone change their lifestyle and seek what is good, rather than constantly avoid what is bad… If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it – This is why Secret Habit exists and I hope you have found this blog helpful… we truly care and that’s why we do what we do

Porn is a side effect of stress.

Porn is a side effect of stress.

Bringing this full circle to COVID-19, one may feel the stress of the situation, internalize these stressors, long for relief, but seek it in the wrong places such as pornography. I know its a big idea, but if you think about it, it truly does make sense…

How to stop watching porn while working from home

How to stop watching porn while working from home

There are many more struggles that come with working from home, but lets just focus in on what they can all lead to – Negative thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that can lead to a desire to numb.

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media

Are You Relapsing With Porn? Covid-19 may be part of the problem

Are You Relapsing With Porn? Covid-19 may be part of the problem

Are You Relapsing With Porn? Covid-19 may be part of the problem

Written by Shawn Bonneteau

March 24, 2020

Relapsing with porn has a lot to do with stress

Like most of us, COVID-19 has caused some tremendous change in our everyday life. You may be feeling emotions, experiencing things, and dealing with situations you have never had to deal with before… When our world gets turned upside down, sometimes we do too. This may look very different for each and every one of us, but let’s focus in on one of the greatest attacks that you need to fight during this pandemic, and no, its has nothing to do with toilet paper, I am talking about the attack from the porn industry.

 

Amidst all of this chaos, you may be feeling tempted to act out in ways that you know are not healthy… Being stuck at home, off of work, or even sick in quarantine can be recipes for boredom, lack of purpose, fear, and several other triggering thoughts and emotions. With porn websites giving out free access to their content that normally comes with a cost, and the news feeds being full of hysteria and fear, it’s easy to find yourself falling into a state of relapse with no idea what to do.

 

Covid 19 has caused tremendous stress

COVID-19 is a virus that will make you sick with respiratory issues for a relatively short period of time if you are in the 92% or so of people that recover. However, what the news is not telling you is that the repercussions of something like COVID-19 include shame, guilt, self-hatred, anger, self-objectification, addiction, defeatism and so much more. No, I am not blaming COVID-19 for this…But, what I am doing is I am choosing to do my part to ensure you are aware that in times of high stress, isolation, boredom, and uncertainty, bad things inevitably happen.

 

Why is stress causing you to relapse with porn?

Let’s take the rest of the time to focus in on pornography addiction and understand why the COVID-19 pandemic may be causing you to relapse. Some of the main triggers to someone falling into porn and getting stuck in a binge cycle include a lack of purpose, boredom, fear, anger, defeatism, shame, and many more. When considering why someone is addicted to porn, its also vital to look at one’s past in the way they were raised, treated, communicated with, and cared for. There are so many factors that fly under the radar when asking the questions “Why can’t I quit porn” or “Why am I relapsing so much right now”…

Read further on how stress impacts porn addiction

No, I am not blaming COVID-19 for this…But, what I am doing is,
I am choosing to do my part to ensure you are aware that in times of high stress, isolation, boredom, and uncertainty, bad things inevitably happen.

3 factors in your relapsing with porn:

 

#1: Unidentified Triggers:

As I mentioned in the beginning, you may be dealing with things right now like never before. This alone can bring up a lot of turmoil, pain, and trauma that has never been dealt with in your life. These wounds can come from all sorts of experiences in life but some examples may be your upbringing, an abuse, or a loss you have experienced. When there are things such as the COVID-19 pandemic that are so far out of our control, it can often reveal things about us that we may not have been aware of previously. I want to encourage you to see this as a positive because it is your heart longing to find what it truly needs, and let me tell you, porn is most definitely not what it needs.

 

#2: Garbage in, garbage out: 

We can look at the body as a perfect example of a return on investment… If you eat McDonald’s, it may taste good for the time being, but let’s be honest, it will slow you down, cause weight issues, and actually deteriorate your health in the long run. On the other hand, if you eat something with the right macros, you will feel energized and alert and will experience long term health benefits. There are many more examples of this, but there’s only one question I have for you – “Why do you treat yourself like a trash can if you know what it leads to?”. I know, it’s not as easy as it sounds, but it is simple. I want to reframe your mind and help you think differently! One of the things that you are likely taking in that is causing you to relapse is too much social media. Not only is it negative in this season due to fear, hysteria, and uncertainty, but its also full of sexual images, temptation, and a display of how your life is worse than everyone else… This is garbage in, which will always lead to garbage out.

 

#3: The wrong recipe:

If you are stuck at home, working from home, quarantined, or whatever else, and you do not have a plan for how you will seek what is good and healthy over what is negative and unhealthy, then you are in trouble! The old saying is “If you aim for nothing, you will hit it” and unfortunately, the worlds “nothing” is addiction, obesity, and so on. You MUST have a battle plan to combat these tough times. If your recipe is blank then your finished product will be non-existent, and if your recipe has the wrong ingredients than your finished product is going to be a fail. Don’t let this be you, please do your due diligence and plan for success… Im not saying its easy, but I am saying its worth it!

 

 

Healthy tip and take away:

Talk to yourself, THEN listen… So often we listen to ourselves when we need to be speaking to ourselves. If you feel a certain way, its because you are thinking a certain way! Our thoughts control everything, not our circumstances, and not our feelings, it’s all about our thoughts! So how do you change your thoughts? Well, you need to talk to yourself and speak truth, encouragement, compassion, and the facts. This will begin to change the way you think and if you feel yourself going back to the lie, the fear, or the pessimism, reel it back in and speak to yourself again and again. This exercise truly works wonders and it’s something I want to leave with you as you step into the reality of what is going on and what you can do about it.

 

Further read on taking control of your inner critic

 

 

Secret Habit is here to help if you keep relapsing with porn and want to quit:

Check out our service page and see how we can help you on your journey to quitting porn. There you will see our services for porn addiction, erectile dysfunction, and sexual betrayal.

Talk to yourself, THEN listen…

 

Our thoughts control everything, not our circumstances, and not our feelings, it’s all about our thoughts! So how do you change your thoughts? Well, you need to talk to yourself and speak truth, encouragement, compassion, and the facts. This will begin to change the way you think and if you feel yourself going back to the lie, the fear, or the pessimism, reel it back in and speak to yourself again and again. This exercise truly works wonders and it’s something I want to leave with you as you step into the reality of what is going on and what you can do about it.

Related Articles

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

5 tips to experience victory over porn addiction

As you may see, our take on helping someone overcome pornography addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about helping someone change their lifestyle and seek what is good, rather than constantly avoid what is bad… If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it – This is why Secret Habit exists and I hope you have found this blog helpful… we truly care and that’s why we do what we do

Porn is a side effect of stress.

Porn is a side effect of stress.

Bringing this full circle to COVID-19, one may feel the stress of the situation, internalize these stressors, long for relief, but seek it in the wrong places such as pornography. I know its a big idea, but if you think about it, it truly does make sense…

How to stop watching porn while working from home

How to stop watching porn while working from home

There are many more struggles that come with working from home, but lets just focus in on what they can all lead to – Negative thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that can lead to a desire to numb.

Stay Connected

Secret Habit Mentoring Services

Do you want to get well? Learn more by clicking the button below

Follow Us

We love to keep in touch with you.
You will find great resources on our social media