You will learn about Shawn's story - one of addiction to porn, sex, and masturbation, ultimately the pursuit of acceptance, or so he thought. Through his story of failure and success, you can learn how to stop porn addiction from having an effect on your life. He found all he was longing for in a place he never expected. This fulfillment has been the foundation of the life he has today with his Helena. Life of sexual integrity, a marriage that is thriving, and faith in Jesus Christ is constantly growing deeper.
Are you wondering what porn addiction recovery looks like?
In the podcast, Shawn goes in-depth about how he stops his porn addiction and how you can recover from it too:
#1 - Actually surrendering to God
#2 - Helpful community and a guide in recovery from porn
#3 - Transformation of a trauma story through God looks like
LISTEN NOW: Secret Habit Episode: How does porn addiction recovery look like?
I was a 25-year-old trying to prove himself as a man… doing network marketing, serving my buns off at church, and putting on an image that made it seem like I had it all together. Sadly, I was a mess…. I struggled with defeatism, hopelessness, anger, resentment, impure thoughts, lying and so much more. All of these things made me want to escape life, so I did through porn. But here I am, 5 years later, amazed at how much changed in my life year to year after quitting porn in 2017.
What is truly amazing is that after only 3 months of sobriety, I felt like a new man! I’ll never forget how everything seemed so much clearer. My life already felt radically different. Then, month after month, year after year, life has continually been brighter, more blessed and more satisfying. There are a few important steps I took to get to where I am at today. I Became open and honest about my struggles with trusted people. Hired porn addiction coaches and sought out mentors. Committed to doing daily self-awareness practices and weekly recovery work. Got into like-minded communities that helped me grow. Spent my time focused on what I can do rather than what I can’t do. Sold out to the vision of being a man who was free from porn.
I love being free and I love the God story of my life… I am truly blessed ?
Conclusion
Shawn Bonneteau is the co-founder of Secret Habit Life Coaching and the co-host of the Secret Habit podcast. He is a Certified Coach with Husband Material and a Certified Mentor through Bravehearts and is on a mission to help Christian men experience sexual integrity. He is a firm believer that God's design for sexuality is better than we imagine and is on a mission to help men become sexually healthy and all they were created to be. Shawn has a deep passion to help men not only quit pornography but outgrow porn! This is done by helping them become men of character, faith, and integrity which leads to a life of holistic health... Ultimately it leads to a life where there is freedom from things like sexual addiction, shame, and dysfunction and it opens the door to a life of freedom for God's purpose and healthy relationships.
If you are looking to learn about How to stop porn and shame from affecting your life, you can read this article: here
How to stop porn from affecting my life, when my core beliefs are rotten?
Faulty Core Beliefs are like the roots of a tree that produces rotten fruit... The roots dictate the quality of fruit. Sadly, our belief system is developed in our formative years of life, meaning, when we're young... yet, they have a lifelong impact that can keep us in bondage.
In our recent podcast episode, we dig into what core beliefs are, why they matter to us learning to stop watchingporn and what we can do to make them new. This is all built on the fact that in Jesus we are all given the power to be renewed, redeemed and transformed! We believe His power is our only hope when it comes to the deep seeded roots that need His healing touch.
In this jam-packed episode, we talk about:
- The difference between thoughts and beliefs
- The difference between shame and guilt
- The most common faulty core beliefs we hear from the clients we work with
- How to define the lies, beliefs and influences in your life
- The 6 step prayer to help you pinpoint, uproot and renew your belief system
- Agreeing with truth on a regular basis
- How this all ties into unwanted sexual behaviours, betrayal trauma and how to stop watchingporn
LISTEN TO THE PODCAST EPISODE: How to stop porn from affecting my life?
That's why this is so important, because when we get to the root and renew it and heal, it then allows it to produce good fruit, like our life is a tree, and we then produce fruit from that tree that is good. But when our negative core beliefs are unhealthy, ungodly, the root is rotten and it actually produces rotten fruit.
Transcribed Podcast unpacking how understanding our core beliefs make a huge difference to stopping porn and relieving shame we might feel:
Shawn: Right now there are a lot of people, including us, who are just going through a tough season with the world that we're living in. And that's why we want to talk today about faulty core beliefs, which could also be called ungodly core beliefs. And this was inspired by many sessions that I've been doing with clients lately on that lesson in my coaching, but specifically a free call I offered to a guy last week, we hopped on for 30 minutes and I brought him through the lesson that I bring guys through on basically removing negative core beliefs and renewing them through the power of God's word, the remnant God's word. And it was so powerful what happened in that 30 minutes that he even said that he wished when he hired a coach last year that he knew about me. And that wasn't about me, that was about the power of Christ. And I've just been given some awesome tools to facilitate guys through that. And actually it was from a retreat hunt and I went to a couple of years ago. But that's what we're talking about today. We're talking about faulty core beliefs and how to get a new core belief system because that is what gets irritated or triggered so often when we go through hard things.
So what do you think about that, honey? You're excited about this topic?
Helena:
I'm so excited because, you know, when trauma that are in just really huge pain right now that are going through difficult marriage issues, this is a big topic as well. And so I think this just can relate to anybody and everybody because there are lies and beliefs that we really need to become aware of and grow an awareness too. And so I'm really excited to talk about this today because Sean and I actually in the midst of just kind of wondering what are our hours right now? What is really going on beneath the surface and that is really influencing our walk today, to have clarity, to have calmness and peace and understanding of where we are going. So yeah, this is just relatable to anybody and everybody, I think. But especially if you're going through heart season, I'm really looking forward to talk about this and bring some clarity into helping you navigate the season of you might be in.
Shawn
Yeah, absolutely. So in terms of where this comes from and why it's important, it comes from a retreat that Helen and I went to two years ago and that dug really deep into pinpointing negative core beliefs, faulty core beliefs, and renewing them through the Lord's power and word. And we're really inspired by that. And that's been something that I've done with clients ever since because it was so powerful. Why it matters is because at the root of everything, of our thought life and everything that we do as people is actually our core belief system. And really, if we don't have a core belief system that is built on truth, the truth of God, then every day we're going to be fighting and battling our posture of our heart and our mind with Christ. The goal of renewing our core belief system is to actually have a posture that is already open to Christ, that is already firm on standing on truth. Of course, it doesn't mean it's always perfect. And I'll share a little bit about how that's played out in my life and why this season has been specifically challenging and what negative core beliefs are bumping up against the truth.
But that's why this is so important, because when we get to the root and renew it and heal, it then allows it to produce good fruit, like our life is a tree, and we then produce fruit from that tree that is good. But when our negative core beliefs are unhealthy, ungodly, the root is rotten and it actually produces rotten fruit. And Helen, you're a big believer in advocate of our thought life, thought coaching. So how do you see this playing into how we deal with our thoughts? Through things like journaling and thought coaching?
Helena:
Yeah, I think I'm just going to explain this a little bit. I think people ask the question, what are the differences between thoughts and beliefs? So a thought is just a sentence that is playing out in your head, I believe is just a thought that you've repeated over and over and over again. So it really digs deep into the memorizing and it just goes into the core of our understanding, our values or everything because we just repeat it. So imagine that you're rehearsing something. As soon as you're going to rehearse something for the longest song, you are going to see it everywhere. You're going to think it everywhere and just feel it everywhere because you've rehearsed something, you've repeated something. So this is just a little bit of an overview of what is the difference between thought and I believe. So imagine you have a sentence in your mind that you're rehearsing over and over again. Obviously, there are core beliefs that are beautiful, they're Godgiven, they're from the Lord, the core beliefs. And the sentence in our head that is not God given, that is not and is usually from the enemy or is from the influence of this world that is unhelpful to us, doesn't produce and is not helpful to our life.
And it's like Shaun is saying, you can most times see the negative core belief within the way it produces fruit. It's rotten. And so if it's a rotten core belief, it's going to have it's going to feel that way as well.
Shawn:
Can I give a quick example?
I'll get a little bit more into this after, but just so it makes a lot of sense as they're listening, because what you're saying is so good, like a negative core belief, a faulty core belief for me is that I am unsuccessful. So that is an identity I am statement, which is what our belief system is made up of. And then the thought that really became something that I rehearsed and agreed with over time was, nothing I do ever works. And when that thought runs through my head, it's so easy to go into defeat mode. I just thought maybe that could be helpful for your example. Just, oh, wow, I guess that's how it looks. What you're saying is so good.
Helena
Well, I appreciate that, babe. That was a really great add in. And just an example, and I was just wondering about what, when it comes to a thought and a belief.
How do I know that it is a belief? 100%? How does it look like? Can you maybe point out an example?
Shawn:
Yeah. So what I talked to my clients about, and this is really what has worked for me as I've wrestled with this, prayed over it and looked at what other guys are going through, is I talk about our thoughts are much easier to pinpoint and figure out, but ultimately our thoughts are more of a description of our negative core beliefs or faulty core beliefs. So, as an example, someone might say I'll just use mine as an example. Nothing I ever do ever works. That could very well be thought of as a negative core belief, but ultimately that is describing a negative core belief, because negative core beliefs go deep into our belief system, which has to do with our identity. When we talk about our identity, in most cases they're going to be I am statements and that's where the enemy hits us hard, because Shame says that I am a failure. God's Grace says that you did something wrong, you made a mistake. They're totally different. So that lie, that thought is nothing I ever do works. That for me, boils down to I am a failure or I am unsuccessful. That might be a different trigger word depending on the person, but that's really how I decipher the two.
And I really talk to guys. Usually there's like two to five really heavy core beliefs that men struggle with and then there can be an array of 20 to 30, literally to 50 different thoughts that describe those negative core beliefs and it's really using the thoughts to boil them down to what is that I am statement there? Because I've had guys list off ten thoughts that are all different but they all boil down to I am flawed, I am damaged, I am a failure. And that's at the heart of these core beliefs. Because if your core belief is I am a failure, then everything you do in your life is going to be trying to prove that that's not true or living in the fact that that's true. And that's why we need to pinpoint them so that we can break the..............
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FINNISH THE PODCAST BY LISTENING HOW TO STOPWATCHING PORN HERE:
The good news, your unhealthy core beliefs can be changed. Past influences in your life can be removed from their power with the right posture toward your story. In closing, I want to encourage you that this takes time, patience, and compassion, but every ounce of effort you put in will reap that much of a harvest. In conclusion, you are not a victim any longer.
Credit to Restoring The Foundation Ministries where we learned the concept of unhealthy core beliefs and renewing of our minds with God-given beautiful beliefs.
We know this can be challenging to work on alone. We have been through the ups and downs of story healing and have helped many others. Furthermore, we offer coaching, help, and support for porn addiction.
Are there some people in your life that you have really hurt by what you have done because of your porn addiction? Do you want to get to the bottom of understanding your wife's pain through my experience?
Are you feeling like you let your spouse down? God down? and even yourself down?
Well, I was there and I can relate if you are in that spot right now. I know the feeling and it can be devastating...
For me, It was a deep shame that I had let my Wife down and had also led her into a world of future pain. To know that this affected my Wife, my God, and myself was something I was finally not ok with... The crazy thing about it is the small steps proved to be the greatest of steps.
I spent so many years trying to quit porn, to then relapse with even more porn, to then try new strategies to quit porn and rebuilding trust all over again, to then only have them fail and bring me back to the start. This cycle had me so frustrated!
Have you ever been in this cycle? It sucks!
So I started to change my heart and mind towards quitting porn and rebuilding trust. I realized this was a battle that had more to do with my heart and my beliefs than my behaviors.
Let's look at what it took from the perspective of the heart... aka, the Limbic System*
Understanding My Wife's Pain
* I gave her reasons to trust me - I know it would be hard to deal with... A spouse that is freaking out because they now know the deep dark truth. I was blessed to have a supportive Wife but things I did and would absolutely recommend would be to take ownership and realize that if she is angry, sad, or avoiding, she has every right to do so. This shouldn't stop you from showing her/him you are committed! I personally started reading, joining groups, seeking the Lord, and showing her my love and was blessed with a positive response in rebuilding trust.
* I realized that feelings follow actions - When she was angry, sad, or avoiding me, I decided to put into practice one challenging quote I had heard before "Feelings follow actions". So what does that mean? It means that I would be kind, I would help, I would love, I would do whatever my emotions didn't really want to do... Amazingly, I always felt better and I know it was vital in her to see me truly change and rebuilding trust.
How to start rebuilding trust after pornography addiction
* I stopped making excuses - I knew I had messed up... Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it. I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be... but man oh man is it ever rewarding!
* I started to see what porn was doing to my life as a whole - To see from a bird's eye view the damage that porn had done in my life... My marriage, self-image, confidence, relationships, views, lies, wounds, and so on and so on, was terrifying. To think as a young punk that porn is fun and would one day be unnecessary and replaced by sex is a lie! I began to journal, read, reflect, ask questions, and speak to myself with positive self-talk while getting help from Secret Habit. These all made me even more aware of how deeply I was wounded.
There is something called "self-care" in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and all. Self-care is often left out because one may feel as if they don't "deserve" it. Or maybe they feel they don't need it...
How did I rely on God?
* "I don't want to mess up and miss out on Gods blessings"- I started thinking about how much He wanted to bless me. But like any good Father, you don't enable your Kid's by supplying them the best of the best if they disobey with complete knowledge of what they are doing!
* "He has already forgiven me, He must really love me" - Since turning 22 and turning my life over to Christ I really didn't understand this forgiveness thing... It took me up until getting free from porn to start feeling an overwhelming sense of gratefulness that started to, in the healthiest way, consume me. I was bubbly, joyful and full of life every time I thought about the work Christ did and was doing in me and it's still an ongoing work He has done with me
Everyone has a different story but I truly believe these can be put into practice by anyone!
Please realize this is not impossible to overcome if you have the right guidance. You can lear more about how I can help you and navigate you right here: Porn Addiction Coach
-Take ownership today for your struggle
-Start taking the small steps right now to rebuild relationships
Do you want to know the real reason why you struggle with erectile dysfunction?
Are you ready to take the steps that truly work so you restore your sexual integrity?
Getting the right help for erectile dysfunction online does not have to be a struggle. I know what it’s like to have “tried everything”... It’s easy to feel hopeless when you don’t know what else to do. If you are dealing with ED, PIED, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, and/or off and on weak/non-existent erections, this blog is for you! It's time for you to learn what actually works, know what doesn’t, and most importantly, find out the best steps to take so you can move towards real true healing.
As someone who knows this journey, I want you to know that I am here for you. Firstly, I am here to offer you my mind and my experience. Secondly, I am here to offer you my services. I want this to be an opportunity for you to receive practical encouragement, life-giving hope, and the chance to restore your sexual integrity. Ultimately, I want to ensure you get the right help for erectile dysfunction online.
I know what it’s like to have “tried everything”... It’s easy to feel hopeless when you don’t know what else to do. If you are dealing with ED, PIED, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, and/or off and on weak/non-existent erections, this blog is for you!
90What is Erectile Dysfunction?
Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is the inability to get or keep an erection. In most cases, the penis receives a weak signal from the brain, resulting in erectile impotence. Not every man who has the odd weak erection is going to have “erectile dysfunction”. However, if you are dealing with erectile problems on a weekly basis, I would certainly consider this more than a random reaction to a stressful day.
The 2 types of erectile dysfunction:
#1: Porn-induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED):
Research is proving that pornography affects the brain. Porn-Induced ED is a by-product of things such as chemical imbalances, neurobiology, and emotional stressors. When looking deeper into the effects of a “porn addiction” we literally see the brain being rewired, creating what some call an “intimacy disorder”. When I mentor men struggling with any area of sexual brokenness, my approach is to get to the root of the issue. However, with PIED, there is an urgency to set up helpful tools to eliminate the viewing of pornography so the brain can begin to recalibrate.
When erectile problems reside in the mind, the recovery process is more straightforward than for PIED. If you are in this place, you have likely gone a considerable amount of time without using pornography. As a result, your brain has had some time to recalibrate. However, despite the brain's adjustments, there is still an inability to get erect. This is where we get the term “impotence”. When ED is rooted in your mind the struggle continues through the power of internal and external stressors. To give a few examples, your deeper root problem may be with pressure, sexpectations, shame, being distracted, lying, fear, or all of the above.
When I work with men with their deep-rooted emotional stressors, it has become clear to me that we are all living the only way we know how to live. Adam Young brings such compassion to this when he says, “Your body is not malfunctioning, it's functioning the only way it knows how to”. For this reason, you need someone to help you see what you cannot see.
2 hidden causes of ED you likely didn’t know about
#1: Faulty core beliefs rooted in your past experiences
When looking at your life, are there things you do without understanding why? If so, getting to the very root of the issue will be the solution to making sense of it all. The roots can be traced to and found in your core beliefs. One of the hardest parts about understanding your core beliefs is that they are normal to you. Therefore, knowing what is faulty can be challenging. This is what I meant when I said you will need help seeing what you cannot see. Core beliefs are formed all throughout your life. They are “what we hold as absolute truth deep down”. These “absolute truths” form in the very beginnings of your childhood, in moments as a teenager, and up until today. In other words, what you see, hear, and experience tells you what to believe. For example, you see your father react to life's challenges with powerlessness, anger, or withdrawal. As a result, you adopt this style of relating and subconsciously form a faulty core belief. In other words, the very fabric of our life is formed from even the most subtle of situations.
Examples of faulty core beliefs:
“I’m not good enough”
“It's all my fault”
“I am flawed”
“I can never get it right”
#2: Negative thought life
Everything in your life flows from what’s inside your mind. Erectile dysfunction is no different. It is simply an outcome that is directly correlated to your thoughts. Your core beliefs form your thoughts, then your thoughts form how you live. In my years of working in the field, it has become apparent to me that the loudest message is for you to fix behaviors rather than renew your mind. Consequently, when behavior management doesn't work, shame kicks in, leading to further problems.
Have you heard of the term performance anxiety? The very fabric of this issue is a faulty core belief about one’s identity and a negative thought about inadequacy. This is to say that it is only when we begin to deal with the deeper problems are we able to fix what is actually broken.
Examples of negative thoughts:
“If I don't get an erection I’ll fail my wife”
“I have to get an erection to be manly”
“My partner will be so mad at me if I don't get an erection”
Erectile dysfunction can certainly be diagnosed as a physical problem. However, with years of personal experience working with men and researching this issue, I have yet to come across someone who had a physical penis problem. These findings have led me to believe that the large majority of erectile problems reside in the mind.
#2: ED happens to older men:
With study after study proving that men in their 20’s are struggling with erectile dysfunction, it’s becoming clear that this is affecting men of all ages. The lesson we can learn here is that all men, no matter what, share one thing - Emotional stressors
#3: I should take a pill:
The pill route does not get to the heart of the problem. It focuses on the penis and not the brain. If the brain is sending weak signals to the penis, it’s the brain that needs attention.
Pornography deteriorates the brain and rewires the mind. If this is taking place behind the scenes, you will eventually find yourself worse off than someone struggling with just ED. To use porn as a way to get “turned on” goes against all logic when we know what it does to the brain.
#5: Low libido causes ED:
If ED is a by-product of a faulty belief system and thought life, then I believe the same about “low libido”. I am not denying that some people have lower sex drives. However, I would argue that the natural differences are much more minuscule than most believe. Therefore, reiterating my points thus far, emotional stressors are at the heart of these issues. In other words, I believe low libido is a symptom, not an identity.
2 things you need to stop doing right now:
#1: Pushing through the stress:
Imagine you’re skating down the ice in a hockey game, you get checked hard against the boards, and snap! You break your leg. Sure, you could be the hulk and try and keep going, but really, who would you be kidding? With sex, there’s always a sign that something is off. The problem is, most men think they can push through, and sadly, this leads to stress for both parties. When you push through the stress, you’re choosing to perform rather than connect… this is a huge problem when sex is all about connection.
#2: Covering up the truth:
When your mind gets caught up thinking it must perform, I'm guessing that you become a perfectionist. I know for me, when I was thinking about something other than sex, my wife, or the moment itself, I felt guilty and embarrassed. Why? Because I thought I was failing as a man and lover”. But really, this was not true. Sadly, time and time again, this led me to lie to my wife and cover up what was really happening in my head. I've noticed almost all men are like this… they lie when they feel ashamed of the truth. This may be something you do when you are distracted by work, a smell, a memory of something unrelated, etc… In the end, all lies divide us. Dr. Kevin Skinner says it best when he said “where secrets are present, intimacy is absent”.
3 proven steps to overcome erectile dysfunction:
#1: Renewing your thought life
You have already learned that the 2 hidden causes of ED are found in your thoughts and beliefs. Now, it's time to learn the necessary steps to uncover what has been hidden so you find real lasting healing. I want to explain a practice that I dig deeper into with my clients called “the thought model”. This simple and effective exercise has been the catalyst to my clients experiencing the beauty of Godly belief and thought.
Breaking down the thought model:
From a bird's eye view, this seems like a very simple exercise. Despite the simplicity, the challenge can be found in doing it effectively. As I work with clients, it has become very apparent to me that they need guidance in how to do this well. For example, I will have clients “check the box” to get their journalling done, rather than “check their hearts” to experience real change. Because this habit is more of a lifestyle than a task, it must be done correctly. To demonstrate, here is a breakdown of each step with 2 common examples (one negative and one positive).
Circumstances, which are not in our control, happen all day, every day. Sometimes they are positive and sometimes they flat out suck… When they happen, we have a choice to respond or react with what we think about them.
Example of a circumstance: A work project that you had worked so hard on ends up getting overlooked by your boss
When something out of your control occurs, you have 2 choices: You can either react, or you can respond. When you choose to react, consequently, the mind is flooded with negative thoughts. On the other hand, when you choose to respond, the mind is flooded with helpful and truth-based thoughts. Despite most day-to-day choices being unconscious, a subconscious choice is just as, if not even more important to recognize than a conscious one.
Example of a reactive thought: “Nothing ever works out for me”
Example of a responsive thought: “I am so glad I put my all into that project. I know God is pleased with me.”
Feelings, which can be felt emotionally and physically, are a by-product of your thoughts. Therefore, whatever your thoughts are, your feelings will be also.
Examples of negative feelings: Anger, fear, tight shoulders, anxiety, entitlement
Examples of positive feelings: Content, peaceful, relaxed shoulders, grateful
When you have the power of thoughts and feelings working together, your actions will align with whatever they happen to be.
Examples of a negative action: Avoiding your boss; slandering your boss; going home to watch porn
Examples of a positive action: Calling a friend to pray together; Having a further conversation with your boss; Pursuing emotional intimacy with your partner
Last but not least, after the action, you are left with an outcome. Ultimately, your outcome will directly reflect a faulty or sturdy foundation. In other words, your thoughts literally predict your outcome.
Examples of a negative outcome: Disconnected from your partner; Erectile Dysfunction; Go to bed tired and full of shame
Example of a positive outcome: Clarity from your boss; intimacy with your partner; Quality sleep
As shown above, the thought model has the power to be a powerful predictor and/or a reflector for your life. Therefore, choosing to use it at the beginning of and at the end of your day is an incredible way to renew your thought life.
#2: Embracing Vulnerability
When you’re struggling with erectile dysfunction, vulnerability seems impossible… I completely understand the dilemma. Despite the challenge, staying stuck in the 2 things I mentioned you need to stop doing is not going to be a better option. For this reason, taking small steps towards vulnerability, no matter how hard it may seem, is the pathway to your success. When I say vulnerability, I am talking about being honest, real, upfront, and willing. Thus, a step in being vulnerable is to courageously share what is actually going on in your mind and body. To illustrate, here’s a situation between my wife and me that had me at a crossroad with a choice to make:
I was so excited for my wife to open her gift. It was Christmas morning, and a very nice necklace was sitting under the tree. Despite my excitement, I felt a sudden frustration when she tried it on and it did not sit well. In addition to my frustration, I was angry that we had to go to the store on boxing day and return it. As a result, I kept to myself and let my thoughts and feelings fester. Consequently, later that day, I struggled with keeping an erection when trying to have sex. Even though my wife was so gracious with what happened, all I could think about was my “bad purchase” and maneuvering through the busy mall the next day. Thus, at that moment, I had a choice to make. Would I keep silent and let shame dictate my erectile functioning? or would I choose courageous vulnerability and connect with my wife? I chose to tell my wife that I needed her to take the necklace off. I told her that it was distracting me, that I felt bad about the purchase, and the idea of returning it was overwhelming. She was gracious, willing, and loving. She took the necklace off and we continued as if it were no big deal. I am so glad I chose courageous vulnerability. As a result, within seconds, I got an erection and we had restorative, redemptive sex together.
I hope this story is an encouragement to you. I share it because I know how hard it is to do what I did here. I know how embarrassing it can feel to share what's truly going on in your mind. However, I share all of this as someone who knows how much better it is to choose vulnerability over silence. In addition, I share it as someone who knows how rewarding it is to share your true self. To be seen, loved, and wanted for all that you are. Even though this may seem scary, will you try it? It may be the very thing that not only helps with erectile dysfunction but changes your entire life. In brief, you now know that the choice to wield the power of vulnerability is in your hands, I challenge you to make the right choice.
“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity” - Nat Turner
To piggyback off of that quote, it has become quite clear to me that most couples unconsciously drift through life rather than consciously build a life. This is not to say that these are lazy people. On the contrary, they’re often the people with the most potential, but for one reason or another, they become comfortable with the drift. There is no secret sauce to good communication, it takes effort and intentionality. However, a secret weapon that has blessed my wife and me, as well as many clients is creating a “sexual template”.
What is a “sexual template”?
A sexual template is a sort of “rule of life” for your sex life. This template is about you and your partner alone. This is not about what others do or what others say. Ultimately, this is an opportunity to discuss how your sex life can become a bridge that honors God and serves one another. As a result, the goal of the sexual template is to create safety, vulnerability, purpose, freedom, trust, and fulfillment. The creation of this template, of course, starts with communication. Most importantly, it is a time to focus on and discuss things that you have likely longed to share with or hear from your partner. For example, the communication is often focused on these themes:
Discussing the purpose of your sex life together
Opening up about your struggles, expectations, fears, etc
Affirming one another and expressing your love
Sharing your sexual wants and needs
Agreeing on healthy sexpectations, wants, needs
Finding areas of growth together and extending grace
How to create your own sexual template:
Sexual Goals/Purpose:
Foundational truths:
Likes, Wants, Needs:
Healthy expectations:
Where to extend grace:
The practice of creating a sexual template is very personal. When I help my clients with this, I play the role of a guide. For example, step one is me walking them through the necessary steps to make time, take time and effectively have these deep conversations with their partner. After that, I act as a thermostat. In other words, I help the couple move towards a healthy and realistic sexual template based on truth. For instance, I want to ensure that everything necessary is on the table, the template is practical for them to live out and most importantly, they agree to invest 100%/100% in the commitment to each other. Ultimately, this template is about God, you, and your partner. Therefore, you may choose to work on this between yourselves, or you may decide to reach out and get proven support. Whichever you choose, I want you to know that you and your partner will be one step closer to intentional communication that impacts every part of your life.
The nature of overcoming erectile dysfunction is not perfection, but an increased awareness. As you have learned thus far, the pathway to greater sexual integrity is found deeper than you may have thought. As a result, you have the opportunity to experience rewards greater than you have ever imagined.
Restored sexual integrity
To have your sexuality restored sounds much bigger than just overcoming erectile dysfunction. And that's because it is! When you transform your very being, you're going to become the truest version of yourself. In addition, you're going to be able to discern and live out God's purpose for your life. As an illustration, using my own life, since quitting pornography and overcoming ED, I have a sense of dignity, confidence, and sexual strength. I can embrace and enjoy the beauty around me, I am more focused on my vocation and I am a much healthier person. And most importantly, in most cases, I am able to pursue God's plan for sexuality, which for me, is the greatest form of integrity one can have. Ultimately, this is not about perfection, but about awareness, and to grow in awareness is to grow in integrity.
When your partner sees you transforming from the inside out, seeking to be more vulnerable, and intentionally communicating, great things begin to happen. In other words, when a woman watches her man grow, develop and take the lead, it's a huge turn-on. If you take the steps in this blog seriously, they offer the opportunity to reap a bountiful harvest in your relationship. For example, a greater quality of sex, quantity of sex, laughter and playfulness, fulfillment and purpose, and so much more. Ultimately, when the sexual fulfillment of your relationship changes, everything changes.
How to get the right help for erectile dysfunction online
1 on 1 virtual mentoring
As per the Barna study, sexual addiction mentoring has become one of the most effective ways to help one's recovery. In other words, 1 on 1 mentoring for erectile dysfunction is seen as very effective. Most importantly, in my personal 1 on 1 work with clients, the rate of recovery has been tremendous. By working with a mentor such as myself, you not only have someone to guide your steps, you will have someone who has virtually walked the same steps. In addition to my experience, you will work through a proven program, vetted resources, and weekly assignments. Ultimately, if you are struggling with erectile dysfunction then there is a lot on the line. For this reason, I would advocate for 1 on 1 mentoring. In my own life, I have experienced the return on investment is worth every penny and I know you will too.
In conclusion: You can overcome erectile dysfunction!
There's a famous quote I heard somewhere that says, “The best things are the hardest things”. This quote has a ton of truth to it. However, you must understand that it's just as hard, if not harder, to live in dysfunction. For example, the quote could actually say “The worst things are the hardest things” and ring just as true. When you realize that it's not about what is “hard”, but what matters. Ultimately, you are going to have to choose if you want to deal with the pain of regret or the pain of change. To choose the pain of change is the choice that will reap great rewards. While it won't be easy, it will definitely be worth it!
One of my clients chose to change, here's what he said:
“Before joining Secret Habit, I felt controlled by my emotions and susceptible to temptations like pornography. I was stuck in a pattern of bondage that I didn't want anymore. When I heard about Secret Habit, I took a leap of faith by admitting to myself that I needed help in order to change. Through mentoring, which lasted over a 5 month period and lots of arduous work to discover the meaning behind my emotional suffering, I was able to break free. Today, my emotions do not govern my unwanted behavior. I have been equipped with an understanding of my past and tools to work through each situation. I am excited to share my good news by letting others know that we do not have to resign ourselves to being controlled in this way. There is freedom in understanding why we fall into temptation. Every aspect of my life is stronger because of Secret Habit.”
Disclaimer:
Shawn Bonneteau is a Certified Professional Mentor and a Coach, not a licensed counselor. Shawn is not making medical claims in his writings, rather, he shares his personal findings and opinions.
When watching a movie that is narrated (here, we will refer to a negative narrator as an inner critic), sometimes the narration is of what’s going on inside the main character’s head. When this happens, we get two different experiences at the same time.
The main character in 1st person
The main character in 3rd person (the thoughts inside his/her head)
When we get to hear what goes on inside someone’s head, we get an inside scoop into the inner thoughts life of humanity. This is pretty powerful, considering we all have voices in our heads that dictate our life.
When I think of narration, I think of Morgan Freeman. He seems to narrate all the movies I watch lol. However, by taking a good look at your own life and the narration happening day after day, how would you answer the question “Who is narrating my life?”
Unfortunately, I doubt it’s Morgan Freeman. No matter how epic that would be… And sadly, even if you can’t believe it right now, it’s doubtful that’s even you. In other words, you may think you control your thought life, but more times than not, it’s subconscious patterns that take over, aka, an inner critic.
Who and what is my inner critic?
You must understand what’s happening inside your head. Your inner critic may be named many things, such as:
Anger
Fear
Bitterness
Entitlement
Pride
Trauma
Wounds
The majority of our mind is made up of what we adopt from childhood influence. For example, someone with a severe family of origin wounding may have a narrator and inner critic that is telling them they are worthless, alone, and unlovable. While many people blame themselves for the way they are, the truth of the matter is that their narration often ties back to things like,
Childhood Abusive
Neglect
Conditional love
Bullying
Labels
However, by taking a good look at your own life and the narration happening day after day, how would you answer the question “Who is narrating my life?”
You can change your narrator:
No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can choose to name the inner critic and change who is narrating in your life. In doing this, you will be able to begin living from healthy truth. Now, this is not an easy practice, but it sure is rewarding. Ultimately, it’s your core beliefs that lay the foundation for your life. Therefore, what you believe must be investigated and offered curiosity and kindness.
The act of naming your inner critic and narrator will help you trace back to where it originated. Doing so will offer great insight and fresh opportunities. Ultimately, this is only the first step, but it’s a giant step that leads you down a better path.
Getting the right help with your core beliefs and thought life is key. At Secret Habit, we offer story healing, sexual discipleship, and thought coaching. Furthermore, we work with you to help restore sexual integrity. Why Seek Freedom Over Just Sobriety? Read this: Seek Freedom From Porn
2 things you can do to change your inner critic right now
1: Be curious about your story
Take some time and reflect on what’s true. This is hard work, but it is worthy of your time and energy. Here are 4 questions to get the ball rolling:
“Who is narrating my life and why do I let them?”
“Where did I learn this narration from? Who influenced me to believe this?”
“Am I allowing this inner critic into my life out of pain, or out of love? Why?”
“Do I believe I am worthy of having a new, healthy narrator that tells a beautiful story? Why, or why not?”
In this step, I want you to begin thinking about, and writing down what you would want your future to be like. This is a time to imagine, dream, think bigger. For example, if your narrator is fear, you may decide that you want fear to be replaced with truth. Ultimately, you will have to decide what you want and where you will get it from.
The idea of finding truth may sound nebulous, but it’s really not. For example, you can find firm truth in what the Bible says, or through factual information from honest sources.
To summarize:
The good news, your inner critic and narrator can be changed. Past influences in your life can be removed of their power with the right posture towards your story. In closing, I want to encourage you that this takes time, patience, and compassion, but every ounce of effort you put in will reap that much of a harvest. In conclusion, you are not a victim any longer.
We know this can be challenging to work on alone. We have been through the ups and downs of story healing and have helped many others. Furthermore, we offer coaching, help, and support for porn addiction.
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