by Shawn Bonneteau | Apr 28, 2020 | Porn Addiction
Victory over porn addiction amidst a challenging season
Are you struggling from a recent loss due to COVID-19? I imagine you have lost something in one way or another, and I know it can be a tough pill to swallow. If you are one of the many who are without a job and without a regular income right now, I want to speak directly to you, but this information is relevant to anyone who has experienced a loss.
A loss often leads to grief… When something completely overturns our expectations and changes normal everyday living, it can cause us to live in fear and scarcity. I know for myself, I rely on an income to get me by because I have bills to pay… I don't think you are any different. If you have lost your job and are experiencing some of the repercussions of that, I want to encourage you to keep your mind and heart above the darkness. In times likes these, we get to choose to become a victim or a victor, and we get to decide whether we will fall into addictions or if we will step into opportunities…
Why is it so hard to experience victory over porn addiction?
In times like these, it can be so hard to think like a victor and step into opportunities, I know firsthand… The challenge often comes from a mindset of “I deserve”, “Why me?”, ’that’s not fair”, and so on… Sure, we all believe we deserve a fair outcome, but really, life is not a respecter of people, and with this, we can get dealt a hand that we may not like. This can lead someone into feeling emotions such as grief, depression, rage, fear, boredom, loneliness, anxiety, and resentment. When emotions such as these are felt, it's because our thoughts are revolved around being the victim. When life is hard and we react negatively as a victim, it becomes nearly impossible to think positively, to act kindly, and to be the person you know you want to be. This becomes a recipe in one's life and it's the unfailing recipe that leads to addictions…
Touching on pornography for a second, as that's our focus with Secret Habit, we see that most addicts to porn are stuck in a cycle of playing victim, they resent a certain circumstance, they begin hating others and hating themselves, and they are stuck feeling they deserve something, so they watch porn and masturbate to “get” what they thought they “needed”.
What is a victor?
A victor is someone who chooses to “see the glass half full”, or one who chooses to see the opportunity rather than the present circumstance. This is nothing more than a mindset, and its only when we choose to think differently about our circumstances will we be able to adopt this “victor” life stance.
But, what if I am addicted to porn right now?
Well, a victor is someone who chooses to see that this addiction is doing more damage than they had originally anticipated. When porn becomes a daily/weekly thing, it will, of course, harm you, but it will also begin to harm those around you. A victor decides to get out of denial, see the issue for what it truly is, and make the decision to say NO MORE. Fighting the battle is the beginning to winning the battle, and in my eyes, the victor is not just the one who has the victory in the end, it’s also the one who makes the right choice, to start the journey to victory today!
A victor is someone who chooses to “see the glass half full”, or one who chooses to see the opportunity rather than the present circumstance. This is nothing more than a mindset, and its only when we choose to think differently about our circumstances will we be able to adopt this “victor” life stance.
5 tips to experience victory over pornography addiction:
#1: Choose to be a victor, not a victim
As you have already read, there are some changes that need to be made to go from victim to victor… It is a mentality switch and it begins with you making the decision. Yes, you may think, “I have made this decision before, but it didn’t work for me” Well, most people make decisions, but have no plan in place to follow through with. What I am recommending you to do is:
– Make the decision
– Create a game-plan (Use Secret Habit as a resource, we are here to help)
– Refocus your thoughts
– Work the game-plan
#2: Focus on what you can do
It’s amazing how so many people go through life without purpose, without joy, and without an idea of why they do what they do… Well, if you have some extra time right now, like most of us do, why don’t you begin to ask some of the BIG questions in life?
-“What do I enjoy doing so much that I could help other people by doing it?”
-“What am I gifted in that I could turn into a vocation?”
-“What can I do today that if I do it, it will help me take the next step tomorrow?”
Questions like these are SO helpful! In this season right now, questions like these may be the key to you finding out how you can make some money and support yourself… I know that would be a game-changer for most of you! This is also a fantastic time to start learning something new, which could definitely be a part of you becoming an expert in the field of your passion. Take the time to get excited about learning! To learn something of purpose is one of the most fulfilling things on this earth.
A quick story to share what happened with me: When I started Secret Habit, I knew I wanted to help people, I knew I had a story of freedom from porn, and I knew that not many people were helping in the area of porn addiction. It would NEVER have been my first choice of “what I wanted to do” but what I realized really quickly is that when I worked on Secret Habit, I was more fulfilled than any other time… I challenge you, in this season of uncertainty, to step into something that you were made to do!
#3: Be a light in the darkness
You have something to share, everyone does… I never thought that I did while growing up, but obviously, if you are reading this blog, you believe I do. What if you wrote a blog, did a livestream, wrote a song, played an instrument, started a Facebook group? There are so many ways you can be a light in this time where people are stuck at home, afraid, and unsure of what to do. So again, its a good time to ask the questions that need to be asked and unleash the passion and gifts inside of you.
When you begin to work in an area of purpose, its incredible how you will almost automatically become a victor! Its true time and time again, when someone has purpose in life, they will start to become free from the shackles in their life, and this is how people quit things such as pornography… If something such as a purpose begins to serve you and fill that hole in your heart, the things that you previously used to numb the hole actually become unnecessary, and you outgrow the need for them.
#4: Be aware of what triggers you
When we are in a place of emotional strain, we will begin to be triggered by circumstances going on in our lives. The circumstance of you losing your job is only a circumstance, but what it does to you may be destructive…. Be aware of what is going on inside your mind before it traps you in the cycle of negativity, leading to falling into the victim role. It would be wise to take some time to write the triggers that send you into an emotional tailspin. Sure, some of them may be tough circumstances that seem justifiable, and some may have past trauma getting brought back up, but some may simply be revealing that you have an unhealthy outlook on life… Its so important to do this so you can live proactively, rather than living in reaction.
To identify a trigger, you may need to look back at the last couple of days and think to yourself, “What caused me to feel rage?”; “What was I feeling the last time I relapsed?”; “Who in my life makes me feel stressed?”, etc… There are so many revealing questions you can ask, so begin asking… You will be surprised at how much gets revealed in such a short period of time and will experience victory over porn addiction.
#5: Stay Connected
You are likely feeling isolated, regardless if you have COVID-19 or not, being forced into isolation is a challenge. This season can lead to a lack of connection, but sadly, if we’re not proactive, it may lead to a new habit of being disconnected.… As humans, we were created for connection and without it, our hearts grow weary… Ask yourself “What are some things I can do today to start getting connected?”
Here are a few examples that come to mind:
– Plan a video call with a friend
– Join or start a Reddit, Facebook, or online forum group
– Get some friends to play an online video game
– Find a language app and trade your English expertise for someone else’s first language expertise
– Learn some new games, or read a book as a group with those who you live with
To conclude:
As you may see, our take on helping someone experience victory over porn addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about helping someone change their lifestyle and seek what is good, rather than constantly avoid what is bad… If you knew how amazing life is without porn, then you would be doing whatever it took to get free from it – This is why Secret Habit exists and I hope you have found this blog on "experience victory over porn addiction" helpful… we truly care and that’s why we do what we do
We are here to help you experience victory over porn addiction:
At Secret Habit, we want to add value in this season to anyone going through a hard time. Learn more about how we can help you through this: porn addiction help
Extra resources that we have found helpful:
- “Finish” Give yourself the gift of done - Because perfectionism often kills all good things, this book must be recommended
- The Gifts of Imperfection - This book was a huge part of my own personal healing journey and can help one get on the right track to being their best perfectly imperfect self
- Consider before consuming podcast - Its a unique time to really consider what we do before we do, and this podcast will be a big help in that process.
- Your brain on porn - A great resource to help you understand what happens to a pornified brain, and to guide you to make an informed decision.
by Shawn Bonneteau | Mar 24, 2020 | Porn Addiction
Porn and Stress: What's Happening?
It’s hard to escape the constant intake of COVID-19 updates, government decisions, and precautions we are supposed to take… TV, Social Media, News apps, Radio, etc, all offer us what we do need to know, but they also offer us negativity that we don’t need to be taking in. The constant intake of hysteria, chaos, fear, lockdowns, number of infected people, and whatever else we see, is causing our bodies damage, and we must take note of this truth. Porn is a side effect of stress.
This pandemic is a lot more than just a virus that we either need to avoid or one that we must ensure we don’t spread… We need to be aware that this pandemic can also be a breeding ground for addiction, mental health issues, and a wide variety of painful physical symptoms. You have likely heard the old saying “stress kills”? Well, because of the constant stress most of us are currently living in, the thoughts, the feelings, the actions, and the lives we are living may seem out of our control… When we begin to feel this way, the very feeling of being out of control may drive us to feel even more stress.
3 types of stress:
When we begin to live a life that seems out of control, some of the main emotions we may feel are anger, fear, and anxiety. These 3 emotions are major catalysts to the stressors we deal with each and every day. In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, because there is an obvious heightening of emotions, it's easy to feel even more out of control than ever before. The way one reacts to such emotions is a key factor in how healthy they are able to be. If someone is a naturally fearful person, the stress they would be going through in this time may be astronomical… If you are the kind of person who always imagines the worst-case scenario, always wants to control the situation, can’t rest until they know all the details, and whatever else comes with living in fear, then you are probably struggling a lot with this current season of life. If our whole day revolves around “what if”, we will be living in constant stress, and this very stress is what can cause damage to our bodies much worse than the COVID-19 virus.
Stress causes us to live in a negative spiral:
Porn is a side effect of stress! When the mind is sick, meaning, it naturally thinks negative thoughts, it gives into negative emotions, and it acts out of pain/reaction, it will inevitably lead to a sick body. When I say “body”, this includes the brain, and when I say “mind” I am talking about the workings of the brain. If you took a second and evaluated yourself since COVID-19 hit the news, is it possible that you have more tension in your neck? Are you are sleeping less? Maybe you have had headaches? Or maybe you find yourself relapsing into addiction again and again? This is what happens when the mind is stressed and the body begins to react. There is a lot to be said about how the body reacts to stress… I won’t get into all of that in this short blog, but make sure you check into the resources I offer at the end. Gabor Mate is an expert in this field, and one of his main findings is that the childhood trauma we carry into our adult lives is a key factor as to why we live stressfully, bogged down lives. Its situations such as COVID-19 that re-trigger the trauma and cause us to feel the pain, but in ways unlike before.
I have had my fair share of physical symptoms in my lifetime that we're able to be traced back to being 100% psychological and stress-related. I used to have such debilitating Carpal Tunnel (or so I was told) that I wore braces most of the day, couldn’t do my own dishes, and had trouble sleeping… I used to wear glasses, orthotics, knee braces, and I struggled to wear a necktie to work because the tightness around my neck would cause me so much pain I could not bear it… These, and many more painful symptoms caused me grief, but to make a long story short, I wanted to share with you that I have lived a life of subconscious stress, and it was miserable… yes, I still have stress, and it does lead to different types of physical pain at times, but I now realize that it’s my body’s way of telling me something is wrong internally and that it is not an injury or a problem that needs physical attention.
I know some of this can be touchy, but it's clear when reading from people like Gabor Mate and Dr. Sarno (Founder of “TMS”) that this is all very real. Not only does stress affect our bodies, but it can begin to affect our minds as well because porn is a side effect of stress. If you’re in constant pain from different stressors, not only is your life ruled by this stress, but your body is now working in a deficit… Sadly, the pain you will feel physically will lead to you feeling it emotionally. This can lead to depression, isolation, self-hatred, restlessness, and much more. There has been an influx of mental health issues over the years, and I wonder if a pandemic such as right now will be a catalyst for more cases than ever? These are the types of questions we have to be asking because when we ask, we can shed light that there are answers and things can make sense.
Is porn a side effect of stress or other way around?
What is the connection between Porn and Stress?
I want to take a moment and tie this into how all of this can lead people into beginning, or furthering their addictions such as pornography. Simply put, porn, and other addictions, are actually nothing more than symptoms and porn is a side effect of stress. One may watch porn because they long for something more than the stress, anger, fear, or defeatism they feel… In such emotional states, porn becomes the coping mechanism to numb the longing for more because one likely has no idea how to find this so-called “more” they need. Bringing this full circle to COVID-19, one may feel the stress of the situation, internalize these stressors, long for relief, but seek it in the wrong places such as pornography. I know it's a big idea, but if you think about it, it truly does make sense…
Let’s go back to the “stress kills” quote for a quick second – Do you believe this is true? If so, then this all makes sense, if not, pick up a book or a resource recommended below and my guess is that you may think otherwise. Remember, the word “kill” doesn’t have to mean sudden death, it can mean slow deterioration of things that are good and healthy… This my friends are exactly what’s happening.
If you're in constant pain from different stressors, not only is your life ruled by this stress, but your body is now working in a deficit… Sadly, the pain you will feel physically will lead to you feeling it emotionally. This can lead to depression, isolation, self hatred, restlessness, and much more.
5 tips on becoming more aware of the stress in your life:
#1: Journal out the negative and replace it with truth:
When you write out the thoughts and feelings on paper, you get to see them for what they are, lies. Make it a practice to write out your thoughts and feelings each morning, and each evening so that you can see how things shift throughout the day. The second piece to this exercise is to counter the lies you are thinking/feeling with truth. Ask yourself, “What is something true that I can believe today?” – You may write down a scripture, a motivational quote, an encouraging word someone once gave you. Whatever it is, ensure that it is believable, positive, and true, and you will start to fill your mind with what’s right and dilute what is wrong.
For a more in-depth look at journaling, I go deeper into a concept called “the thought model” here
#2: Assess yourself:
Something that is so important to do is to evaluate and assess. Heres the reality – Something has to happen for us to have an injury and feel REAL physical pain, and if we are dealing with emotional pain, we can actually trace it back to where it may have come from. If you feel some pain, some depression, something at all today, stop and ask yourself “Where could this be coming from?”… Maybe your back started hurting in the morning because you went to bed angry? Maybe your knee has been hurting but you didn’t do anything to hurt it? Or maybe you have some sort of issue but Doctors have said: “There’s nothing else we can do”? All our pains and problems are to be assessed so that we can live a healthy life of truth and exit the life of stress and lies.
#3: Speak to yourself, rather than listen:
When you listen to yourself, you are listening to all the negativity of your subconscious mind. To take control of your life and live in a healthy state during this COVID-19 pandemic, and for the rest of your life, you need to begin talking to yourself. Tell yourself how and what you want to think – This is referred to as “thought coaching” and it is crucial to you getting out of the routine you may stuck in. Combine this with your journaling and you will be well on your way to starting the day and ending the day on a healthy note.
Further read: We all have an inner critic, but we don’t have to let it control us
#4: Actually take care of yourself:
When the body speaks, it is doing so for a reason. It may speak through painful physical or emotional symptoms as I had already explained, or it may speak in the opposite way, through healthy and affirming symptoms. I want to encourage you to begin taking care of yourself, and to do that, you need to understand what that even means! Check out this blog I wrote for some more depth to this subject… For now, lets talk about what to do:
You need to learn what is actually fulfilling to you, what is actually pleasuring to you, and what is actually something you like, but never do for yourself… This does not have to invoice money, going places, live entertainment or whatever else your mind may initially think of. The world we live in has made sex, food, and mental stimulation our “go-to” for pleasure, but honestly, ask yourself, is it pleasure? Do you feel better after? Its time to find a handful of things you love to do, and give yourself the grace to do them when you need a break, earned a reward, or have a day off. Give your mind and body the pleasure it deserves!
For further info on the step of self-care, check out a blog I wrote all about this
#5: Get yourself connected:
I know, it seems hard to connect right now due to COVID-19… But hey, the online world is loaded with places to connect! You can use forums, group chats, video calls, and so much more to stay connected. In your situation, it will be worth getting connected to the right communities, ones that are beneficial to your specific situation. If your body and/or mind are full of pain, an example of a fantastic forum would be the TMS Wiki Forum which is linked below. This is a place where you can read amazing stories of healing, get better informed on the practices, and post whatever you want to get yourself involved in the community. There are Facebook groups, Reddit groups, Church live streams, etc to get involved with, you just need to take the first step and say hi ?
Secret Habit is here to help you with porn and stress
Porn is a side effect of stress. We want to add value in this season to anyone going through a hard time. Check out our Porn Addiction Help Page and see how we can help you on your journey to victory.
Extra Resources and people that have helped me in these findings
Gabor Mate – When the body says no
Dr Sarno – The Mind body prescription
TMS Wiki
Psychology Today
Unwanted – How sexual brokenness reveals our way to healing
Your brain on porn
Disclaimer: I am not an expert, simply someone with a story, a passion, and a desire to educate. I am sharing knowledge that I have taken from others such as Gabor Mate and Dr Sarno and I hope that you would seek them out as well. I want to note that not everything is psychological… It may sound like I am pinpointing that in my writing but I am certainly not. You must get checked by a doctor if you think something could be more severe, but keep in mind, doctors are in the business of selling drugs and making money too… That is why this is groundbreaking because our bodies can often tell us much more than a doctor.
by Shawn Bonneteau | Aug 30, 2019 | Porn Addiction
Freedom from porn is so much more than just sobriety...
There is a major difference between one who has “sobriety” and one who is experiencing health and freedom from porn.
Example #1: The “Dry Drunk” is the one who has recovered because he found sobriety:
This person may have been sober for say 20 years BUT still calls himself an “addict”. Let’s use an alcoholic for an example here – The reason they would still say “I am an addict” is that the moment they get a drop of alcohol on their tongue they would be right back to their destructive drinking habits. The reason for this is they have deeper problems than just drinking alcohol. The problem goes as deep as our root wounds and sometimes that is much deeper than we may want to go…
Example #2: “healthy” is the one who seeks total internal and external freedom from porn:
This person would be the one who was willing to do the deep work to get into their root wounds and heal from the inside out. They move past avoiding the habit and move into finding out why they seek the habit in the first place. This is what builds the foundation to becoming a healthy, aware, and forward-focused individually who is on their way to total health and freedom from porn, not just sobriety.
Understanding root wounds:
It may not be the most obvious example but onions are a great comparison here: Like onions, humans have many layers to their emotional self. You may think that our physical porn habit is the problem when truthfully, the issue may be that your Father never said “I love you” and was always working. Deep issues such as this can lead you to feel unloved, abandoned and even worthless. These are the very emotions and incidents that would drive someone to seek porn and other addictions. When this is the case, you need to get “beneath the layers” and work on what’s really bothering you and causing you to act out… Because if you dont, you will simply be left to avoid the habit and find sobriety when total health and freedom are 100% available to you!
3 tips to move from sobriety to experiencing health and freedom from porn
#1: Making intentional time for “self-care”
Check out this blog I wrote on self-care to help you begin to implement it in your recovery disciplines. This will certainly be a game-changer and something that can single handily lead to greater clarity and healing on your journey to freedom.
2 – Learn how to get into your heart, not just your head:
To be able to truly heal, you need to learn how to get into what is driving your addiction and desires to numb. Ask yourself questions such as:
- What am I running from right now?
- What am I trying to numb with porn?
- What am I feeling that causes me to clock out?
These answers will lead you to a place of awareness, which then leads you to a decision to make… Do you want to truly heal? Because if you do, then then the work you are going to have to do will require some depth. It’s time to take this to the next notch and begin asking questions that get below the surface, into the difficult times of your life.
To use the same brain that got you into your addiction to try and get out of it seems a bit crazy does it not? Well, it is… It’s actually a paraphrased definition of insanity
A Mentor is someone much greater than an accountability partner. Having someone to truly guide you to where they have been is going to be key to this journey to total health and freedom. To have someone who knows the common emotional issues, the practical steps, the twists and turns, and most of all, the result that you are seeking will be the exact piece to this puzzle that you need.
A mentor can be someone you know through your Church, a local organization, or even a friend that you look up to – Just make sure they have walked the walk and can help you through your journey.
Secret Habit is here to help you find freedom from porn:
We offer All in One coaching for porn addiction. We know what it’s like to not know where to go for help. If you don’t have a mentor or a guide in your life, consider reaching out to us, we would love to help you get to where you want to go - experiencing health and freedom from porn!
