90What is Erectile Dysfunction?
Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is the inability to get or keep an erection. In most cases, the penis receives a weak signal from the brain, resulting in erectile impotence. Not every man who has the odd weak erection is going to have “erectile dysfunction”. However, if you are dealing with erectile problems on a weekly basis, I would certainly consider this more than a random reaction to a stressful day.
The 2 types of erectile dysfunction:
#1: Porn-induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED):
Research is proving that pornography affects the brain. Porn-Induced ED is a by-product of things such as chemical imbalances, neurobiology, and emotional stressors. When looking deeper into the effects of a “porn addiction” we literally see the brain being rewired, creating what some call an “intimacy disorder”. When I mentor men struggling with any area of sexual brokenness, my approach is to get to the root of the issue. However, with PIED, there is an urgency to set up helpful tools to eliminate the viewing of pornography so the brain can begin to recalibrate.
For help directly focused on PIED, you can read my blog “how to cure porn-induced erectile dysfunction”
#2: Erectile Dysfunction (ED) aka. Psychological Impotence:
When erectile problems reside in the mind, the recovery process is more straightforward than for PIED. If you are in this place, you have likely gone a considerable amount of time without using pornography. As a result, your brain has had some time to recalibrate. However, despite the brain’s adjustments, there is still an inability to get erect. This is where we get the term “impotence”. When ED is rooted in your mind the struggle continues through the power of internal and external stressors. To give a few examples, your deeper root problem may be with pressure, sexpectations, shame, being distracted, lying, fear, or all of the above.
When I work with men with their deep-rooted emotional stressors, it has become clear to me that we are all living the only way we know how to live. Adam Young brings such compassion to this when he says, “Your body is not malfunctioning, it’s functioning the only way it knows how to”. For this reason, you need someone to help you see what you cannot see.
2 hidden causes of ED you likely didn’t know about
#1: Faulty core beliefs rooted in your past experiences
When looking at your life, are there things you do without understanding why? If so, getting to the very root of the issue will be the solution to making sense of it all. The roots can be traced to and found in your core beliefs. One of the hardest parts about understanding your core beliefs is that they are normal to you. Therefore, knowing what is faulty can be challenging. This is what I meant when I said you will need help seeing what you cannot see. Core beliefs are formed all throughout your life. They are “what we hold as absolute truth deep down”. These “absolute truths” form in the very beginnings of your childhood, in moments as a teenager, and up until today. In other words, what you see, hear, and experience tells you what to believe. For example, you see your father react to life’s challenges with powerlessness, anger, or withdrawal. As a result, you adopt this style of relating and subconsciously form a faulty core belief. In other words, the very fabric of our life is formed from even the most subtle of situations.
Examples of faulty core beliefs:
- “I can never get it right”
#2: Negative thought life
Everything in your life flows from what’s inside your mind. Erectile dysfunction is no different. It is simply an outcome that is directly correlated to your thoughts. Your core beliefs form your thoughts, then your thoughts form how you live. In my years of working in the field, it has become apparent to me that the loudest message is for you to fix behaviors rather than renew your mind. Consequently, when behavior management doesn’t work, shame kicks in, leading to further problems.
Have you heard of the term performance anxiety? The very fabric of this issue is a faulty core belief about one’s identity and a negative thought about inadequacy. This is to say that it is only when we begin to deal with the deeper problems are we able to fix what is actually broken.
Examples of negative thoughts:
- “If I don’t get an erection I’ll fail my wife”
- “I have to get an erection to be manly”
- “My partner will be so mad at me if I don’t get an erection”
- “Real men get erect without any problems”
For more insight, this video gives an in-depth look at transforming your thought life
5 common myths about ED
#1: ED is a penis problem:
Erectile dysfunction can certainly be diagnosed as a physical problem. However, with years of personal experience working with men and researching this issue, I have yet to come across someone who had a physical penis problem. These findings have led me to believe that the large majority of erectile problems reside in the mind.
#2: ED happens to older men:
With study after study proving that men in their 20’s are struggling with erectile dysfunction, it’s becoming clear that this is affecting men of all ages. The lesson we can learn here is that all men, no matter what, share one thing – Emotional stressors
#3: I should take a pill:
The pill route does not get to the heart of the problem. It focuses on the penis and not the brain. If the brain is sending weak signals to the penis, it’s the brain that needs attention.
For more details, Gary Wilson speaks directly to this in his presentation
#4: Watching porn can help with ED:
Pornography deteriorates the brain and rewires the mind. If this is taking place behind the scenes, you will eventually find yourself worse off than someone struggling with just ED. To use porn as a way to get “turned on” goes against all logic when we know what it does to the brain.
#5: Low libido causes ED:
If ED is a by-product of a faulty belief system and thought life, then I believe the same about “low libido”. I am not denying that some people have lower sex drives. However, I would argue that the natural differences are much more minuscule than most believe. Therefore, reiterating my points thus far, emotional stressors are at the heart of these issues. In other words, I believe low libido is a symptom, not an identity.
2 things you need to stop doing right now:
#1: Pushing through the stress:
Imagine you’re skating down the ice in a hockey game, you get checked hard against the boards, and snap! You break your leg. Sure, you could be the hulk and try and keep going, but really, who would you be kidding? With sex, there’s always a sign that something is off. The problem is, most men think they can push through, and sadly, this leads to stress for both parties. When you push through the stress, you’re choosing to perform rather than connect… this is a huge problem when sex is all about connection.
#2: Covering up the truth:
When your mind gets caught up thinking it must perform, I’m guessing that you become a perfectionist. I know for me, when I was thinking about something other than sex, my wife, or the moment itself, I felt guilty and embarrassed. Why? Because I thought I was failing as a man and lover”. But really, this was not true. Sadly, time and time again, this led me to lie to my wife and cover up what was really happening in my head. I’ve noticed almost all men are like this… they lie when they feel ashamed of the truth. This may be something you do when you are distracted by work, a smell, a memory of something unrelated, etc… In the end, all lies divide us. Dr. Kevin Skinner says it best when he said “where secrets are present, intimacy is absent”.
3 proven steps to overcome erectile dysfunction:
#1: Renewing your thought life
You have already learned that the 2 hidden causes of ED are found in your thoughts and beliefs. Now, it’s time to learn the necessary steps to uncover what has been hidden so you find real lasting healing. I want to explain a practice that I dig deeper into with my clients called “the thought model”. This simple and effective exercise has been the catalyst to my clients experiencing the beauty of Godly belief and thought.
Breaking down the thought model:
From a bird’s eye view, this seems like a very simple exercise. Despite the simplicity, the challenge can be found in doing it effectively. As I work with clients, it has become very apparent to me that they need guidance in how to do this well. For example, I will have clients “check the box” to get their journalling done, rather than “check their hearts” to experience real change. Because this habit is more of a lifestyle than a task, it must be done correctly. To demonstrate, here is a breakdown of each step with 2 common examples (one negative and one positive).
Circumstances, which are not in our control, happen all day, every day. Sometimes they are positive and sometimes they flat out suck… When they happen, we have a choice to respond or react with what we think about them.
Example of a circumstance: A work project that you had worked so hard on ends up getting overlooked by your boss
When something out of your control occurs, you have 2 choices: You can either react, or you can respond. When you choose to react, consequently, the mind is flooded with negative thoughts. On the other hand, when you choose to respond, the mind is flooded with helpful and truth-based thoughts. Despite most day-to-day choices being unconscious, a subconscious choice is just as, if not even more important to recognize than a conscious one.
Example of a reactive thought: “Nothing ever works out for me”
Example of a responsive thought: “I am so glad I put my all into that project. I know God is pleased with me.”
Feelings, which can be felt emotionally and physically, are a by-product of your thoughts. Therefore, whatever your thoughts are, your feelings will be also.
Examples of negative feelings: Anger, fear, tight shoulders, anxiety, entitlement
Examples of positive feelings: Content, peaceful, relaxed shoulders, grateful
When you have the power of thoughts and feelings working together, your actions will align with whatever they happen to be.
Examples of a negative action: Avoiding your boss; slandering your boss; going home to watch porn
Examples of a positive action: Calling a friend to pray together; Having a further conversation with your boss; Pursuing emotional intimacy with your partner
Last but not least, after the action, you are left with an outcome. Ultimately, your outcome will directly reflect a faulty or sturdy foundation. In other words, your thoughts literally predict your outcome.
Examples of a negative outcome: Disconnected from your partner; Erectile Dysfunction; Go to bed tired and full of shame
Example of a positive outcome: Clarity from your boss; intimacy with your partner; Quality sleep
As shown above, the thought model has the power to be a powerful predictor and/or a reflector for your life. Therefore, choosing to use it at the beginning of and at the end of your day is an incredible way to renew your thought life.
#2: Embracing Vulnerability
When you’re struggling with erectile dysfunction, vulnerability seems impossible… I completely understand the dilemma. Despite the challenge, staying stuck in the 2 things I mentioned you need to stop doing is not going to be a better option. For this reason, taking small steps towards vulnerability, no matter how hard it may seem, is the pathway to your success. When I say vulnerability, I am talking about being honest, real, upfront, and willing. Thus, a step in being vulnerable is to courageously share what is actually going on in your mind and body. To illustrate, here’s a situation between my wife and me that had me at a crossroad with a choice to make:
I was so excited for my wife to open her gift. It was Christmas morning, and a very nice necklace was sitting under the tree. Despite my excitement, I felt a sudden frustration when she tried it on and it did not sit well. In addition to my frustration, I was angry that we had to go to the store on boxing day and return it. As a result, I kept to myself and let my thoughts and feelings fester. Consequently, later that day, I struggled with keeping an erection when trying to have sex. Even though my wife was so gracious with what happened, all I could think about was my “bad purchase” and maneuvering through the busy mall the next day. Thus, at that moment, I had a choice to make. Would I keep silent and let shame dictate my erectile functioning? or would I choose courageous vulnerability and connect with my wife? I chose to tell my wife that I needed her to take the necklace off. I told her that it was distracting me, that I felt bad about the purchase, and the idea of returning it was overwhelming. She was gracious, willing, and loving. She took the necklace off and we continued as if it were no big deal. I am so glad I chose courageous vulnerability. As a result, within seconds, I got an erection and we had restorative, redemptive sex together.
I hope this story is an encouragement to you. I share it because I know how hard it is to do what I did here. I know how embarrassing it can feel to share what’s truly going on in your mind. However, I share all of this as someone who knows how much better it is to choose vulnerability over silence. In addition, I share it as someone who knows how rewarding it is to share your true self. To be seen, loved, and wanted for all that you are. Even though this may seem scary, will you try it? It may be the very thing that not only helps with erectile dysfunction but changes your entire life. In brief, you now know that the choice to wield the power of vulnerability is in your hands, I challenge you to make the right choice.
For some extra inspiration and help: “The power of vulnerability” by Brene Brown
#3: Intentional Communication
“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity” – Nat Turner
To piggyback off of that quote, it has become quite clear to me that most couples unconsciously drift through life rather than consciously build a life. This is not to say that these are lazy people. On the contrary, they’re often the people with the most potential, but for one reason or another, they become comfortable with the drift. There is no secret sauce to good communication, it takes effort and intentionality. However, a secret weapon that has blessed my wife and me, as well as many clients is creating a “sexual template”.
What is a “sexual template”?
A sexual template is a sort of “rule of life” for your sex life. This template is about you and your partner alone. This is not about what others do or what others say. Ultimately, this is an opportunity to discuss how your sex life can become a bridge that honors God and serves one another. As a result, the goal of the sexual template is to create safety, vulnerability, purpose, freedom, trust, and fulfillment. The creation of this template, of course, starts with communication. Most importantly, it is a time to focus on and discuss things that you have likely longed to share with or hear from your partner. For example, the communication is often focused on these themes:
- Discussing the purpose of your sex life together
- Opening up about your struggles, expectations, fears, etc
- Affirming one another and expressing your love
- Sharing your sexual wants and needs
- Agreeing on healthy sexpectations, wants, needs
- Finding areas of growth together and extending grace
How to create your own sexual template:
- Sexual Goals/Purpose:
- Foundational truths:
- Likes, Wants, Needs:
- Healthy expectations:
- Where to extend grace:
The practice of creating a sexual template is very personal. When I help my clients with this, I play the role of a guide. For example, step one is me walking them through the necessary steps to make time, take time and effectively have these deep conversations with their partner. After that, I act as a thermostat. In other words, I help the couple move towards a healthy and realistic sexual template based on truth. For instance, I want to ensure that everything necessary is on the table, the template is practical for them to live out and most importantly, they agree to invest 100%/100% in the commitment to each other. Ultimately, this template is about God, you, and your partner. Therefore, you may choose to work on this between yourselves, or you may decide to reach out and get proven support. Whichever you choose, I want you to know that you and your partner will be one step closer to intentional communication that impacts every part of your life.
For a deeper dive into all of this, check out this podcast I was on with Husband Material
The rewards of overcoming ED
The nature of overcoming erectile dysfunction is not perfection, but an increased awareness. As you have learned thus far, the pathway to greater sexual integrity is found deeper than you may have thought. As a result, you have the opportunity to experience rewards greater than you have ever imagined.
Restored sexual integrity
To have your sexuality restored sounds much bigger than just overcoming erectile dysfunction. And that’s because it is! When you transform your very being, you’re going to become the truest version of yourself. In addition, you’re going to be able to discern and live out God’s purpose for your life. As an illustration, using my own life, since quitting pornography and overcoming ED, I have a sense of dignity, confidence, and sexual strength. I can embrace and enjoy the beauty around me, I am more focused on my vocation and I am a much healthier person. And most importantly, in most cases, I am able to pursue God’s plan for sexuality, which for me, is the greatest form of integrity one can have. Ultimately, this is not about perfection, but about awareness, and to grow in awareness is to grow in integrity.
For some hands-on behavioral approaches – “5 tips for restoring sexual integrity”
Restored sexual unity
When your partner sees you transforming from the inside out, seeking to be more vulnerable, and intentionally communicating, great things begin to happen. In other words, when a woman watches her man grow, develop and take the lead, it’s a huge turn-on. If you take the steps in this blog seriously, they offer the opportunity to reap a bountiful harvest in your relationship. For example, a greater quality of sex, quantity of sex, laughter and playfulness, fulfillment and purpose, and so much more. Ultimately, when the sexual fulfillment of your relationship changes, everything changes.
To hear my wife and I speak more on this: “Imagine your marriage without porn”
How to get the right help for erectile dysfunction online
1 on 1 virtual mentoring
As per the Barna study, sexual addiction mentoring has become one of the most effective ways to help one’s recovery. In other words, 1 on 1 mentoring for erectile dysfunction is seen as very effective. Most importantly, in my personal 1 on 1 work with clients, the rate of recovery has been tremendous. By working with a mentor such as myself, you not only have someone to guide your steps, you will have someone who has virtually walked the same steps. In addition to my experience, you will work through a proven program, vetted resources, and weekly assignments. Ultimately, if you are struggling with erectile dysfunction then there is a lot on the line. For this reason, I would advocate for 1 on 1 mentoring. In my own life, I have experienced the return on investment is worth every penny and I know you will too.
In conclusion: You can overcome erectile dysfunction!
There’s a famous quote I heard somewhere that says, “The best things are the hardest things”. This quote has a ton of truth to it. However, you must understand that it’s just as hard, if not harder, to live in dysfunction. For example, the quote could actually say “The worst things are the hardest things” and ring just as true. When you realize that it’s not about what is “hard”, but what matters. Ultimately, you are going to have to choose if you want to deal with the pain of regret or the pain of change. To choose the pain of change is the choice that will reap great rewards. While it won’t be easy, it will definitely be worth it!
One of my clients chose to change, here’s what he said:
“Before joining Secret Habit, I felt controlled by my emotions and susceptible to temptations like pornography. I was stuck in a pattern of bondage that I didn’t want anymore. When I heard about Secret Habit, I took a leap of faith by admitting to myself that I needed help in order to change. Through mentoring, which lasted over a 5 month period and lots of arduous work to discover the meaning behind my emotional suffering, I was able to break free. Today, my emotions do not govern my unwanted behavior. I have been equipped with an understanding of my past and tools to work through each situation. I am excited to share my good news by letting others know that we do not have to resign ourselves to being controlled in this way. There is freedom in understanding why we fall into temptation. Every aspect of my life is stronger because of Secret Habit.”
Disclaimer:
Shawn Bonneteau is a Certified Professional Mentor and a Coach, not a licensed counselor. Shawn is not making medical claims in his writings, rather, he shares his personal findings and opinions.
