When you’re trying to break free from porn and the shame that goes with it, having an accountability partner can make all the difference in your success or failure. Your partner doesn’t need to be your pastor or someone in your church, but if you can find one there, that’s great! But you can also go online and find a community of people who are going through the same thing as you. And really, these are your friends, so make sure you choose people who will care about your struggles and not hold them against you.
An Overview Of Accountability Partners For Porn Addiction
Being a person who is accountable means that you stay true to what you said you would do. This is a way of life that will likely lead you to great results in whatever you’re doing. This sounds really nice and dandy, to stay accountable means to get results, awesome! Unfortunately, it's not quite that simple. Staying accountable to just yourself is not something I believe is wise, especially when it comes to porn addiction.
This is where accountability partners come into play. Ideally, they help point out blind spots in your life that need attention. Their job is to encourage you, support you and sharpen you as you share your thoughts and emotions and pursue your recovery and life goals. A good accountability partner is there to offer practical advice and hold you accountable, but even more, they’re there to be safe, compassionate, curious, and unconditionally loving at all times.
The Benefits Of Christian Accountability Partners For Porn Recovery
I have heard it said that you’re 66% more likely to hit your goals when you run with like-minded people. That's a substantial increase in the likelihood that you will recover from your addiction to porn! With this said, the benefit of having a good accountability partner is that you will be more much likely to hit your goals and break free from bondage. Even more than this stat, there's a famous saying out there that says “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, its connection”. This profound statement means that the very essence of your sobriety will be in how you connect with other people in your life.
I like to think of your accountability partner as a vital connection as you recover from porn because they’re going to be one of your first touches when you need someone to talk to. Now, it's crucial that this person feels unconditionally in their love, even when they challenge you, you must still feel loved. The benefit here is that you will reach out when in need rather than sink into isolation wondering if they’re really there for you. Imagine, in your deepest pain and ugliest struggle, having someone you can call knowing 100% that they will be safe, loving, and supportive no matter what has happened.
How To Ask For An Accountability Partner For Pornography Addiction
The classic way of finding accountability partners is to join a pornography addiction recovery support group, ask a close friend/family member, or get it through an app of some sort (covenant eyes, or Relay as examples). There's nothing wrong with any of these approaches, however, wisdom is required to ensure you connect with people that will truly hold you accountable in ways that are actually helpful.
Wisdom is required to ensure you connect with people that will truly hold you accountable in ways that are actually helpful.
One of the first things to consider is how you would ask someone to be in a relationship with you. Would you tell some sob story or some “woe is me” tale? Probably not… I'm sure you would find common ground, interests, and desires and make a connection based on those things, right? This is a simple mindset shift that can make all the difference when looking for a good accountability partner. The main idea I want to explain here is that the sob story approach is more about pity. Someone feels sorry for you so they offer their support, however, they feel burdened by the task and may not know how to help.
The other option is to share about your life, goals, and vision and how it relates to the person. This approach is much more about giving someone an exciting opportunity to be a part of your life, your journey, and your redemption. This in my opinion is asking someone to live out the great commission that Jesus Christ asked us to be obedient in. Doesn't that sound so much better than just asking someone to hold you accountable? The goal here is to invite someone into the very fabric of your life, to become friends, to be on purpose together for the Glory of God.
What not to say to a potential accountability partner:
“Hey Joe, I'm struggling with porn and really need some help. Would you mind checking in with me every day and seeing how I'm doing? Maybe we can get together for coffee weekly to help me stay motivated? What do you say?”
What to say to potential Christian accountability partners for porn recovery :
“Hey Joe, I have noticed a few things about you that I really admire - you’re an amazing husband, you are really healthy and I see that you care a lot about discipleship. I know it's important to surround myself with people that can sharpen me and when thinking about who that could be, I thought about you. Right now, I am on a journey to becoming a Godly man and part of that includes getting free from porn.
I really want to renew my mind, grow closer to God, and rebuild trust with my wife. I was wondering if you would be open to pursuing Christ together and becoming healthy men of God side by side? This would ideally look like some weekly touch points to check in and stay accountable to our word and a weekly coffee to dig into some areas that we need sharpening. What do you think?
How To Choose An Accountability Partner For Porn Recovery
Simply put, a good accountability partner has fruit on the tree. This means that you will want to seek out people (of the same gender) who have some things that you want - ideally, character traits and quality relationships. This may sound like a narrow lens on how you may choose someone to hold you accountable… I get it. However, I do want to widen the lens a bit and say that if someone is in their own recovery from porn addiction they’re not disqualified. If this is the case, I believe it's crucial that they are bearing good fruit along the way so iron is still sharpening iron.
You will want to seek out people (of the same gender) who have some things that you want – ideally, character traits and quality relationships
When thinking about how to choose a good accountability partner, what you’re really asking is “who” do I choose? Ultimately, it comes down to safety. Who do you feel safe with? or who are you willing to get to know to see how safe you feel? This is at the core of choosing the right accountability partner. If you don't feel safe, you won't reach out. And if you don't reach out, you won't experience the love, support, and sharpening that you need while quitting porn.
Safety, in its essence, is feeling as if you are protected by love and mercy even when you make mistakes. These are the type of relationships we all need. The ones that resemble Jesus Christ and the love He has for us at all times.
Is My Family Member A Good Choice As An Accountability Partner For Pornography Addiction?
Family members are typically a place of familiarity, making them seem like a good place to start for accountability. They can seem better than a close friend simply because of proximity. However, I want to explain why I disagree with this notion in most cases. To keep this clean, the concept of family members needs to break down into 2 roles: parents and siblings.
Parents:
Parents often want the “best” for their kids. They will offer practical advice when you share your thoughts rather than offering safety, compassion, curiosity, and the help you really need. Now, this is not in all cases, but I have seen it happen more times than not. Parents naturally have a position of authority that can make this dynamic very challenging. They may not know how to respond in any other way than the “parent”.
This will make it challenging to consider them helpful as accountability partners as you look to get free from porn. If you happen to have parents who you think can play the role of accountability partner, then I would encourage you to consider how you feel during and after the interaction. It's vital to reflect and ensure you’re feeling loved rather than “fixed” all the way throughout.
Siblings:
Finding accountability in siblings can happen because of shared experiences. This means that you can talk about how certain aspects of your childhood may have impacted your life today. This can be a great benefit if you feel safe and supported by them along the way. It's important to note that a lot of siblings are just not close enough to feel safe and secure to talk about such deep topics.
If that's the case, that is ok. But if you do happen to have a sibling you can talk to and be held accountable, it's again important to recognize how you feel during and after the interaction.
What To Do When You've Made Progress And Become Accountable By Yourself
Progress feels amazing, there's no denying it. It can be the motivator behind our success. However, there comes a point where pride seeps in and our downfall becomes evident. Self-sufficiency doesn't work in the Kingdom of Heaven. Any addiction recovery, especially porn addiction recovery requires connection, relationship, and accountability that goes beyond just you, and even just you and God. Scripture shows us that we are to seek wise counsel, confess to another, and make disciples.
These are all signs that we cannot do life alone. Not because God says we can't, but because we wither when we isolate. One of the greatest challenges of “lone wolves” is that they eventually stagnate and develop severe blind spots. When it comes to quitting porn, too many guys quit the behavior, but never find freedom in their minds. This is a massive problem… When someone tells me they’re free from porn when they clearly only have sobriety and fight every day to keep it. This is a warning sign that this dude needs some good-quality accountability.
How To Tell If A Christian Accountability Partner For Porn Recovery Is Lying To You Or Dishonest About Their Sexual History And Current Behaviours
The Holy Spirit is the great "convictor". He nudges the heart even when it seems as if there are no red flags to be seen. When you develop a relationship with your accountability partner, you will begin to do life together. You will get to know each other on a level that should clear out any “BS”. What I mean by that is you should be able to sense if something is off - by sound, sight, or sense.
It's so important for us to “trust our gut” aka. Listen to the Holy Spirit. Some signs I would look out for would be a lack of eye contact, a change in personality, a change in communication style, boasting, over-spiritualizing, and/or focusing on behavior modification rather than true heart change. There would be many more potential signs but these can be some very common ones to be aware of. My hope for you is that the safety you two have developed would cause your relationship to be focused on sharpening one another.
This would mean that you feel comfortable sharing your concerns if there are any. This is the true mark of a healthy relationship - conflict resolution! Scripture tells us that we are to confront people who are in sin and to be able to do this with love, grace, and curiosity will go a long way.
In Conclusion
Having yourself a couple of good accountability partners as you recover from porn addiction is going to be the game changer you need to break free. By following the principles laid out here and seeking what it means to have true accountability in a healthy relationship, you will be well on your way to finding the connection that we believe leads to sobriety and freedom from porn.
If you’re addicted to porn and masturbation, then you may not be able to enjoy sex with your partner as you used to before you became addicted. Perhaps your sex drive isn’t very strong and you can’t get an erection, or maybe your preoccupation with porn and masturbating has led to trouble in other areas of your life, including your relationship with your wife.
But what exactly happens in the brain when you become addicted to porn? How do you know if porn addiction has affected your mind? And how can that change be dealt with?
Secret Habit Podcast: How Porn Destroys Sexual Health
What happens in the brain/body when you become addicted to masturbating and porn?
This amazing computer system built into every human is incredibly malleable, for good and for bad. With an addiction to porn, it's for the bad… For men, porn atrophies the part of the brain that is vital in helping you get and stay erect (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction). This has much to do with your dopamine receptors and how they shrink with porn consumption. When they shrink, you need more dopamine to get the same effect. And this means that real sex just won't cut it for your pornified brain. Of course, women have the same dopamine issues, but I was talking strictly about erection issues.
Now let's look at an issue that affects men and women alike. This one happens if you’re addicted to masturbation (which 99% of the time goes hand and hand with watching porn). If you struggle with porn and masturbation together, you will likely experience one of two things: Sensitization or desensitization. Basically, your body gets used to your way of pleasuring yourself and this can cause you to experience Delayed Ejaculation and Premature Ejaculation as a result. This means that you will struggle to last longer than 30 seconds or orgasm never seems to come.
How do you know if having an addiction to porn has affected your mind?
Porn has a way of causing us to adopt thought patterns that are toxic and harmful to ourselves and others. A common one I hear is a “less than” pattern. When we see ourselves as less than the actors in porn due to penis size, sexual longevity, or size of breasts, our confidence will drop and our sexual health will suffer. When we see others as less than in value, in looks, or in whatever else while compared to porn, it's easy to begin treating others like objects.
If your mind adopts toxic and harmful thought patterns, your brain and body will begin to respond to what your mind is feeding them. This is one of the biggest reasons people end up going down the road of the hookup culture, prostitution, and even human trafficking. The mind is a powerhouse that must be tamed… We are called to “take every thought captive” and to do that, we must begin realizing how porn has formed expectations, judgments, and even fears.
If your mind adopts toxic and harmful thought patterns, your brain and body will begin to respond to what your mind is feeding them
When your addiction to porn grows, these sexual issues and thought patterns can cause tremendous strife between couples. We have seen so many couples in devastation over their failing sex life, and sadly, just a few years ago, we were there too.
Thank God that He made our sexuality to be so good, and from that, He made sex to be something beautiful and satisfying. This gave us hope as we were healing and we hope it can offer you hope too.
However, we can't deny just how much porn is destroying so many Christian's abilities to experience God's love, grace, and purpose. And when this happens, their ability to live in sexual health is hindered.
Why can’t I find a solution to my addiction to porn and masturbating?
1. Men and women who have an addiction to porn often suffer in silence.
Yes, there's a deeper problem here with the silence of the church (ill rant on that another time), but for now, we need to see that porn goes against God's design and naturally creates shame inside of us as a consequence. We can see right back in Genesis when Adam and Eve covered themselves with leaves out of shame… It's not that God didn't want them to enjoy the natural beauty of sex… It says they were “naked and unashamed” earlier in the text. But when we do something against God's will, aka. sin, we often want to hide from God. And this is where shame grows and festers. And this is the very tragedy of why so many Christians don't know the love of God but stay stuck seeing Him as an angry dictator.
2. We don't understand God designed sex to be beautiful, fun, satisfying, and good.
I have heard it said that God is way more sexual than we think, and that porn is trash compared to what God intended sex to be. If we look into the Song of Songs, we will see a true love story, full of anticipation, romance, and sexual pleasure. When we look at porn, we see aggression, coercion, fake bodies, and degradation. Comparing the two, I think we would all agree God's design wins. We need to start trading our lies in for truth and seeking the God who created all things that are good, and that starts with His design for sex. RETHINKING SEXUALITY: GOD'S DESIGN AND WHY IT MATTERS, By Dr. Juli Slattery
3. We confuse identity with action.
Someone who is sexually immoral, in the Bible, will not inherit Eternal life. Well, I believe the word is saying that this person must be someone whose in full agreeance with their sexual immorality and sees it as part of who they are… The person who is trying to follow Jesus but struggles with an addiction to porn and maybe even an addiction to masturbation is in a totally different boat… Same actions, different identities.
One IS sexually immoral due to their agreement with sexual immorality, while the other is struggling with sexual immorality while confessing and repenting every time they act out with it. Sadly, the second person here is the one who suffers the most. They question their salvation, they wonder if God loves them and they live in fear due to misreading scripture. This keeps so many good men and women so far away from the love of God that wants all to confess, repent and come back to His loving embrace every time they fall short of His glory.
They question their salvation, they wonder if God loves them and they live in fear due to misreading scripture
As you can see from these 3 ideas, there are some deep lies many Christians believe. What are these for you? It's important to begin to pinpoint the lies, the thought patterns, and the ways you’re living apart from God's truth that is hindering your ability to live in a direct relationship with Him. Take heart, my friend, His grace is there to draw you back to Him so you can experience all that He has for you and your sexual health.
How can the negative change to my sexual health be dealt with?
We believe that satisfying and fulfilling sex is holistic - mind, body, and spirit. This is exactly why pornography destroys your sexual health. Porn only focuses on the physical aspect of sex and completely misses the mark on the elements that make sex truly satisfying. On a neuro, physiological and spiritual level, porn not only misses the mark but also causes incredible damage to the very fabric of what makes sex holistic and fulfilling.
If you are addicted to masturbating and pornography, I highly recommend listening to our podcast and reading this next article: Can You Recover From Addiction To Porn?
We love guiding people to find sexual healing and freedom from addiction to porn and masturbating. You can read here more about the steps of healing or chat with Shawn here: Porn Addiction
Conclusion
It's becoming mainstream knowledge that an addiction to porn is harmful. However, one of the greatest harms that often goes undetected is the deterioration of your sexual health.
Pornography, at its core, is fake sex. It's the spoiling of what was made to be beautiful and special… It is something that was once good made bad. Sadly, this means that the most common educator of sex in today's day and age is promoting a false reality. And what that means for the men and women of today is that their ability to have healthy and satisfying sex is hindered due to the very idea of what they think sex is. Read about the 8 Benefits Of Quitting Porn to see the contrast of what can happen when we no longer pursue fake sex,
In closing, I think it's vital to go to the source of how porn destroys sexual health. Going straight to the Creator's design to see how porn is contrary to what He made is going to be one simple solution to debunking all the porn myths out there. However, for those who need to see further evidence of how porn affects the mind, brain, and body, I hope this has offered you some important insight to help you see that this isn't some moral religious problem, but one of great significance that affects your whole life - mind, body, and spirit.
You will learn about Shawn's story - one of addiction to porn, sex, and masturbation, ultimately the pursuit of acceptance, or so he thought. Through his story of failure and success, you can learn how to stop porn addiction from having an effect on your life. He found all he was longing for in a place he never expected. This fulfillment has been the foundation of the life he has today with his Helena. Life of sexual integrity, a marriage that is thriving, and faith in Jesus Christ is constantly growing deeper.
Are you wondering what porn addiction recovery looks like?
In the podcast, Shawn goes in-depth about how he stops his porn addiction and how you can recover from it too:
#1 - Actually surrendering to God
#2 - Helpful community and a guide in recovery from porn
#3 - Transformation of a trauma story through God looks like
LISTEN NOW: Secret Habit Episode: How does porn addiction recovery look like?
I was a 25-year-old trying to prove himself as a man… doing network marketing, serving my buns off at church, and putting on an image that made it seem like I had it all together. Sadly, I was a mess…. I struggled with defeatism, hopelessness, anger, resentment, impure thoughts, lying and so much more. All of these things made me want to escape life, so I did through porn. But here I am, 5 years later, amazed at how much changed in my life year to year after quitting porn in 2017.
What is truly amazing is that after only 3 months of sobriety, I felt like a new man! I’ll never forget how everything seemed so much clearer. My life already felt radically different. Then, month after month, year after year, life has continually been brighter, more blessed and more satisfying. There are a few important steps I took to get to where I am at today. I Became open and honest about my struggles with trusted people. Hired porn addiction coaches and sought out mentors. Committed to doing daily self-awareness practices and weekly recovery work. Got into like-minded communities that helped me grow. Spent my time focused on what I can do rather than what I can’t do. Sold out to the vision of being a man who was free from porn.
I love being free and I love the God story of my life… I am truly blessed ?
Conclusion
Shawn Bonneteau is the co-founder of Secret Habit Life Coaching and the co-host of the Secret Habit podcast. He is a Certified Coach with Husband Material and a Certified Mentor through Bravehearts and is on a mission to help Christian men experience sexual integrity. He is a firm believer that God's design for sexuality is better than we imagine and is on a mission to help men become sexually healthy and all they were created to be. Shawn has a deep passion to help men not only quit pornography but outgrow porn! This is done by helping them become men of character, faith, and integrity which leads to a life of holistic health... Ultimately it leads to a life where there is freedom from things like sexual addiction, shame, and dysfunction and it opens the door to a life of freedom for God's purpose and healthy relationships.
If you are looking to learn about How to stop porn and shame from affecting your life, you can read this article: here
How to stop porn from affecting my life, when my core beliefs are rotten?
Faulty Core Beliefs are like the roots of a tree that produces rotten fruit... The roots dictate the quality of fruit. Sadly, our belief system is developed in our formative years of life, meaning, when we're young... yet, they have a lifelong impact that can keep us in bondage.
In our recent podcast episode, we dig into what core beliefs are, why they matter to us learning to stop watchingporn and what we can do to make them new. This is all built on the fact that in Jesus we are all given the power to be renewed, redeemed and transformed! We believe His power is our only hope when it comes to the deep seeded roots that need His healing touch.
In this jam-packed episode, we talk about:
- The difference between thoughts and beliefs
- The difference between shame and guilt
- The most common faulty core beliefs we hear from the clients we work with
- How to define the lies, beliefs and influences in your life
- The 6 step prayer to help you pinpoint, uproot and renew your belief system
- Agreeing with truth on a regular basis
- How this all ties into unwanted sexual behaviours, betrayal trauma and how to stop watchingporn
LISTEN TO THE PODCAST EPISODE: How to stop porn from affecting my life?
That's why this is so important, because when we get to the root and renew it and heal, it then allows it to produce good fruit, like our life is a tree, and we then produce fruit from that tree that is good. But when our negative core beliefs are unhealthy, ungodly, the root is rotten and it actually produces rotten fruit.
Transcribed Podcast unpacking how understanding our core beliefs make a huge difference to stopping porn and relieving shame we might feel:
Shawn: Right now there are a lot of people, including us, who are just going through a tough season with the world that we're living in. And that's why we want to talk today about faulty core beliefs, which could also be called ungodly core beliefs. And this was inspired by many sessions that I've been doing with clients lately on that lesson in my coaching, but specifically a free call I offered to a guy last week, we hopped on for 30 minutes and I brought him through the lesson that I bring guys through on basically removing negative core beliefs and renewing them through the power of God's word, the remnant God's word. And it was so powerful what happened in that 30 minutes that he even said that he wished when he hired a coach last year that he knew about me. And that wasn't about me, that was about the power of Christ. And I've just been given some awesome tools to facilitate guys through that. And actually it was from a retreat hunt and I went to a couple of years ago. But that's what we're talking about today. We're talking about faulty core beliefs and how to get a new core belief system because that is what gets irritated or triggered so often when we go through hard things.
So what do you think about that, honey? You're excited about this topic?
Helena:
I'm so excited because, you know, when trauma that are in just really huge pain right now that are going through difficult marriage issues, this is a big topic as well. And so I think this just can relate to anybody and everybody because there are lies and beliefs that we really need to become aware of and grow an awareness too. And so I'm really excited to talk about this today because Sean and I actually in the midst of just kind of wondering what are our hours right now? What is really going on beneath the surface and that is really influencing our walk today, to have clarity, to have calmness and peace and understanding of where we are going. So yeah, this is just relatable to anybody and everybody, I think. But especially if you're going through heart season, I'm really looking forward to talk about this and bring some clarity into helping you navigate the season of you might be in.
Shawn
Yeah, absolutely. So in terms of where this comes from and why it's important, it comes from a retreat that Helen and I went to two years ago and that dug really deep into pinpointing negative core beliefs, faulty core beliefs, and renewing them through the Lord's power and word. And we're really inspired by that. And that's been something that I've done with clients ever since because it was so powerful. Why it matters is because at the root of everything, of our thought life and everything that we do as people is actually our core belief system. And really, if we don't have a core belief system that is built on truth, the truth of God, then every day we're going to be fighting and battling our posture of our heart and our mind with Christ. The goal of renewing our core belief system is to actually have a posture that is already open to Christ, that is already firm on standing on truth. Of course, it doesn't mean it's always perfect. And I'll share a little bit about how that's played out in my life and why this season has been specifically challenging and what negative core beliefs are bumping up against the truth.
But that's why this is so important, because when we get to the root and renew it and heal, it then allows it to produce good fruit, like our life is a tree, and we then produce fruit from that tree that is good. But when our negative core beliefs are unhealthy, ungodly, the root is rotten and it actually produces rotten fruit. And Helen, you're a big believer in advocate of our thought life, thought coaching. So how do you see this playing into how we deal with our thoughts? Through things like journaling and thought coaching?
Helena:
Yeah, I think I'm just going to explain this a little bit. I think people ask the question, what are the differences between thoughts and beliefs? So a thought is just a sentence that is playing out in your head, I believe is just a thought that you've repeated over and over and over again. So it really digs deep into the memorizing and it just goes into the core of our understanding, our values or everything because we just repeat it. So imagine that you're rehearsing something. As soon as you're going to rehearse something for the longest song, you are going to see it everywhere. You're going to think it everywhere and just feel it everywhere because you've rehearsed something, you've repeated something. So this is just a little bit of an overview of what is the difference between thought and I believe. So imagine you have a sentence in your mind that you're rehearsing over and over again. Obviously, there are core beliefs that are beautiful, they're Godgiven, they're from the Lord, the core beliefs. And the sentence in our head that is not God given, that is not and is usually from the enemy or is from the influence of this world that is unhelpful to us, doesn't produce and is not helpful to our life.
And it's like Shaun is saying, you can most times see the negative core belief within the way it produces fruit. It's rotten. And so if it's a rotten core belief, it's going to have it's going to feel that way as well.
Shawn:
Can I give a quick example?
I'll get a little bit more into this after, but just so it makes a lot of sense as they're listening, because what you're saying is so good, like a negative core belief, a faulty core belief for me is that I am unsuccessful. So that is an identity I am statement, which is what our belief system is made up of. And then the thought that really became something that I rehearsed and agreed with over time was, nothing I do ever works. And when that thought runs through my head, it's so easy to go into defeat mode. I just thought maybe that could be helpful for your example. Just, oh, wow, I guess that's how it looks. What you're saying is so good.
Helena
Well, I appreciate that, babe. That was a really great add in. And just an example, and I was just wondering about what, when it comes to a thought and a belief.
How do I know that it is a belief? 100%? How does it look like? Can you maybe point out an example?
Shawn:
Yeah. So what I talked to my clients about, and this is really what has worked for me as I've wrestled with this, prayed over it and looked at what other guys are going through, is I talk about our thoughts are much easier to pinpoint and figure out, but ultimately our thoughts are more of a description of our negative core beliefs or faulty core beliefs. So, as an example, someone might say I'll just use mine as an example. Nothing I ever do ever works. That could very well be thought of as a negative core belief, but ultimately that is describing a negative core belief, because negative core beliefs go deep into our belief system, which has to do with our identity. When we talk about our identity, in most cases they're going to be I am statements and that's where the enemy hits us hard, because Shame says that I am a failure. God's Grace says that you did something wrong, you made a mistake. They're totally different. So that lie, that thought is nothing I ever do works. That for me, boils down to I am a failure or I am unsuccessful. That might be a different trigger word depending on the person, but that's really how I decipher the two.
And I really talk to guys. Usually there's like two to five really heavy core beliefs that men struggle with and then there can be an array of 20 to 30, literally to 50 different thoughts that describe those negative core beliefs and it's really using the thoughts to boil them down to what is that I am statement there? Because I've had guys list off ten thoughts that are all different but they all boil down to I am flawed, I am damaged, I am a failure. And that's at the heart of these core beliefs. Because if your core belief is I am a failure, then everything you do in your life is going to be trying to prove that that's not true or living in the fact that that's true. And that's why we need to pinpoint them so that we can break the..............
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FINNISH THE PODCAST BY LISTENING HOW TO STOPWATCHING PORN HERE:
The good news, your unhealthy core beliefs can be changed. Past influences in your life can be removed from their power with the right posture toward your story. In closing, I want to encourage you that this takes time, patience, and compassion, but every ounce of effort you put in will reap that much of a harvest. In conclusion, you are not a victim any longer.
Credit to Restoring The Foundation Ministries where we learned the concept of unhealthy core beliefs and renewing of our minds with God-given beautiful beliefs.
We know this can be challenging to work on alone. We have been through the ups and downs of story healing and have helped many others. Furthermore, we offer coaching, help, and support for porn addiction.
Are there some people in your life that you have really hurt by what you have done because of your porn addiction? Do you want to get to the bottom of understanding your wife's pain through my experience?
Are you feeling like you let your spouse down? God down? and even yourself down?
Well, I was there and I can relate if you are in that spot right now. I know the feeling and it can be devastating...
For me, It was a deep shame that I had let my Wife down and had also led her into a world of future pain. To know that this affected my Wife, my God, and myself was something I was finally not ok with... The crazy thing about it is the small steps proved to be the greatest of steps.
I spent so many years trying to quit porn, to then relapse with even more porn, to then try new strategies to quit porn and rebuilding trust all over again, to then only have them fail and bring me back to the start. This cycle had me so frustrated!
Have you ever been in this cycle? It sucks!
So I started to change my heart and mind towards quitting porn and rebuilding trust. I realized this was a battle that had more to do with my heart and my beliefs than my behaviors.
Let's look at what it took from the perspective of the heart... aka, the Limbic System*
Understanding My Wife's Pain
* I gave her reasons to trust me - I know it would be hard to deal with... A spouse that is freaking out because they now know the deep dark truth. I was blessed to have a supportive Wife but things I did and would absolutely recommend would be to take ownership and realize that if she is angry, sad, or avoiding, she has every right to do so. This shouldn't stop you from showing her/him you are committed! I personally started reading, joining groups, seeking the Lord, and showing her my love and was blessed with a positive response in rebuilding trust.
* I realized that feelings follow actions - When she was angry, sad, or avoiding me, I decided to put into practice one challenging quote I had heard before "Feelings follow actions". So what does that mean? It means that I would be kind, I would help, I would love, I would do whatever my emotions didn't really want to do... Amazingly, I always felt better and I know it was vital in her to see me truly change and rebuilding trust.
How to start rebuilding trust after pornography addiction
* I stopped making excuses - I knew I had messed up... Obviously. I had to take full ownership and admit it was 100% my problem and my job to fix it. I committed myself to be accountable, reliable, and consistent while on the path to freedom. This was not easy, nor should it be... but man oh man is it ever rewarding!
* I started to see what porn was doing to my life as a whole - To see from a bird's eye view the damage that porn had done in my life... My marriage, self-image, confidence, relationships, views, lies, wounds, and so on and so on, was terrifying. To think as a young punk that porn is fun and would one day be unnecessary and replaced by sex is a lie! I began to journal, read, reflect, ask questions, and speak to myself with positive self-talk while getting help from Secret Habit. These all made me even more aware of how deeply I was wounded.
There is something called "self-care" in the world of recovery and it may very well be the thing keeping you from giving recovery your all and all. Self-care is often left out because one may feel as if they don't "deserve" it. Or maybe they feel they don't need it...
How did I rely on God?
* "I don't want to mess up and miss out on Gods blessings"- I started thinking about how much He wanted to bless me. But like any good Father, you don't enable your Kid's by supplying them the best of the best if they disobey with complete knowledge of what they are doing!
* "He has already forgiven me, He must really love me" - Since turning 22 and turning my life over to Christ I really didn't understand this forgiveness thing... It took me up until getting free from porn to start feeling an overwhelming sense of gratefulness that started to, in the healthiest way, consume me. I was bubbly, joyful and full of life every time I thought about the work Christ did and was doing in me and it's still an ongoing work He has done with me
Everyone has a different story but I truly believe these can be put into practice by anyone!
Please realize this is not impossible to overcome if you have the right guidance. You can lear more about how I can help you and navigate you right here: Porn Addiction Coach
-Take ownership today for your struggle
-Start taking the small steps right now to rebuild relationships
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